By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Editor’s note: This month, a guest columnist, Emmy-Award-winning comedian Judy Gold, is filling in for Karen Bergreen, who is on hiatus.
Well, January has certainly come in like a jerk and gone out like one, too. That’s just the way January is. It’s Siberia cold and this year, there’s so much snow! And ICE! We all know how dangerous ICE is. If you are one of those people saying, “Well, so much for climate change,” sometimes even with climate change there is ordinary winter weather. So we’ll have none of that. Our advice is to stay indoors whenever possible. Drink hot cocoa with whipped cream while the weather makes it okay for adults to do that. You might want to add tequila. Eat lots of pasta. A little extra fat for warmth is nobody’s business but your own. Seals put on winter fat, called blubber, and they couldn’t be happier about it. If you must go outside, march around vigorously with your neighbors, clapping and singing, and take plenty of videos of each other.
Dear Ruthless,
Someone who uses the gym in our building seems to be taking remote controls. First it was the one for the large TV in the yoga/stretching area. Then a remote for elliptical #2 disappeared. I’m pretty sure I know who is doing it. Do I confront him? Do I say something to the board or the building manager? I hate when people treat community items as if they own them.
Signed,
Annoyed Jock
Dear Annoyed,
JUDY: I’m also a jock and I’m annoyed the majority of the time. The best case scenario would be that the two of you are working out at the same time, and you ask, “Hey, have you seen the remote for the large TV? No? How about the one for elliptical #2? Well, I guess I’ll have to ask management to comb through the video recordings from the past week. Have a good workout!” Since that’s probably not going to happen, I would start with the building manager. But if you’re like me, you’re craving the confrontation, so go for it! But don’t expect him to help you bring up your Amazon packages.
CINDY: I’m a fan of signs. I put them up all the time–How hard is it to close a garbage bag properly? Nor’easters do not mean you can walk your dog in the stairwell, and Pls see Mom IMMEDIATELY. This doesn’t include the signs I’ve written for marches: NO KINGS; YAS QUEENS. Anyhoo, try: Dear Remote Snatcher, here’s the number for Verizon. Keep your sticky mitts off the gym remotes.
Dear Ruthless,
I was recently throwing my garbage down the chute when a neighbor garbage-shamed me with “Don’t you recycle?” Of course I recycle. She was looking at my garbage (which was in a clear plastic bread bag), telling me that all the plastic could be recycled. She said “Look at me,” as she put her plastic bags and wrappers in the recycle bin. I have checked the official NYC website and these items cannot be recycled with household recycling. I don’t know if our building staff separates out these items or if we send it to the department of sanitation incorrectly. What should I do? Hang out at the garbage chute until I see her again and yell at her?
Signed,
Reasonable Recycler
Dear Reasonable,
CINDY: My favorite reply for over-steppers of all kinds has always been the chorus Jack Black sings in one of the songs in “School of Rock”: STEP OFF! At least, I think that’s what he sings. You could either avoid her or try something gentle to start: You recycle your way, I’ll recycle mine. I also like: Thank you for your vote.
JUDY: You definitely don’t want to hang out at the garbage chute when you really need to clean out your sock drawer. If you’re not certain, then ask your super if you’re recycling correctly. (I also put my plastic bags and wrappers in the recycling bin, so I’m going to check that out.) Then, the next time you see her and she starts garbage-shaming you, tell her that you never knew she was so trashy.
Dear Ruthless,
I’ve now twice in the same week been run into, hard, by oblivious guys in wheelchairs! I’m talking black and blue marks! The first guy (in Orwasher’s) was pushed by an aide who sort of apologized. The second guy told me to f*** myself when I yelled in pain as he rammed me at a crosswalk (Amsterdam at 79th.) Short of pushing him into traffic, what to do?
Signed,
B and B on Broadway
Dear B and,
JUDY: Using a wheelchair doesn’t automatically make someone considerate, just like walking doesn’t. Everyone deserves patience and respect in shared spaces, and that includes Orwasher’s. Mobility challenges are real, but they don’t excuse rudeness. You have every right to call this person out. You don’t deserve to be bruised. Please contact me directly for a carefully curated list of extremely creative things you could say to this rude person.
CINDY: As for Orwasher’s, try the Ultimate Whole Wheat, toasted with butter. Look, not everyone is a vocal apologizer. I am, but I’m a vocal person, which is part of my Taurus personality. Practice grace. My prescription is arnica cream for the bruises and a Milky Way because you didn’t commit murder today. You are also perfectly free to swear at anyone who swears at you. I go to Judy for all my best invective.
Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan are the co-creators of The Ruthless Comedy Hour, a comedy variety show for grownups with brains. In its 10th year, it features top stand-up comedians (including this month’s guest columnist Judy Gold), musicians and celebrity interviews, and addresses social, political and local concerns by making brutal fun of them. Bergreen is a veteran stand-up comedian and author of two acclaimed novels. Kaplan tours extensively with her comedy rock band, The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal, and is the author of two just as acclaimed collections of humorous essays.
Judy Gold has hosted stand-up specials on HBO, Comedy Central, LOGO and Netflix. She is the author of Yes I Can Say That, When They Come For The Comedians We’re All In Trouble, a critically acclaimed book on free speech and cancel-culture. Judy has written and starred in three hit Off-Broadway one person shows, and has scores of TV, film and theater credits that span decades. Look for her in the upcoming Hulu series, Not Suitable For Work, or at a comedy club in your neighborhood. She is honored and humbled to be filling in for Karen this month.
Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Ruthless at info@westsiderag.com.
Read all Ruthless Advice columns here.
Put up a sign “Plastic Bags are NOT Recyclable”
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