By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Hello Advisees! This week, we have a question for YOU. What the heck’s with that cold snap last week? We don’t want to be wearing wool sweaters and hats in May. Or shivering under umbrellas. Like, what’s up with the endless rain? Well, we here at Ruthless believe that the weather is upset and is acting out. As non-readers of the DSM 5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition), we highly recommend the weather seek therapy immediately or at the very least reach out to us. As always, we’re here to help.
Dear Ruthless,
I have a friend who always talks about the same issue every time we chat on the phone or get together and it’s starting to grate on my nerves. I can’t come up with any more advice. I’m all adviced out.
Signed,
Bored Friend
Dear Bored:
KAREN: The first rule of friendship is listening to your friend tell the same story over and over again. If you are a woman you know that she may just want a sympathetic ear. If you are a guy, resist offering a solution unless she asks for one specifically. If she ignores your advice, don’t hold it against her.
CINDY: I agree with Karen, but as an actor, I would add nodding kindly while working on Shakespeare monologues in your head.
Dear Ruthless,
My husband gave me a gift certificate for a makeover at a fancy makeup store. I don’t wear makeup. Doesn’t he know me by now? (Thirty years!) Should I be insulted? Because I am.
Signed,
Happy as I Am
Dear Happy,
KAREN: Unless you really hate the idea of makeup, get the makeover. Maybe your husband likes the way you look all dolled up. And then give him a gift certificate for your favorite jewelry store.
CINDY: Don’t be insulted, be creative. There are lots of things in the makeup department of a store that you can buy. Get yourself perfume or kid gloves or sunglasses or a nice purse.
Dear Ruthless,
I sat in my doctor’s office the other day for an hour and a half. No one spoke to me and no one apologized. I’m so mad and want to say something to them but feel I can’t.
Signed,
Waiting Room Aficionado
Dear Waiting,
KAREN: I once had a doctor who would keep me for at least an hour, most of which was spent in the examining room wearing the patient costume with the air conditioning blasting. I asked him what the best strategy was to avoid this and he said to take the first appointment of the day. After showing up at 7 a.m. and being ignored for an hour on several occasions, I found a new doctor. If the doctor is the only one in the field who can save your life, bring a book. Otherwise, get a referral from a friend.
CINDY: One of the most annoying things is the abject refusal to acknowledge the time you’ve been kept waiting and to apologize. Tell them your co-pay will go to yourself, to make up for the time you’ve lost at work. And when the doctor finally calls you in, tell them you’ll be right with them. I know none of us will ever do any of that, but a girl can dream.
Dear Ruthless,
I have a friend who cancels about 80 percent of our plans. She’s actually a completely lovely and supportive friend, so I don’t want to dump her. What is the best way to handle this?
Signed,
Flummoxed and Alone
Dear Flummoxed,
KAREN: I have a number of plan cancelers in my friend group. I often overlook it because a canceled plan is often a gift. For the particularly egregious ones, I put the plan in my calendar but leave myself open to make other plans. That way, I don’t resent anyone.
CINDY: I finally had to explain to a friend how her frequent cancelling with me and the kids at the last minute made me feel. More particularly, how it made my kids feel, because they were now out a playdate. She took the note. I think some kinds of honesty (not all) can be good for a friendship.
Dear Ruthless,
There is a man who smokes his cigar just outside our building entry every morning. He just stands there and the stink wafts through our window. It’s awful. How can we approach him?
Signed,
Grossed Out
Dear Grossed,
CINDY: I would walk up to him and with great courtesy tell him the truth. Maybe throw in some asthma for good measure. Ask him if he would be so kind as to walk to a non-residential part of the sidewalk for his smoke. If he is not courteous in return, or remains unresponsive, I’d move on to water balloons.
KAREN: I think we live on the same street. I always cough excessively when I walk past my cigar guy, but, truth be told, he doesn’t pick up on it. There’s no law against smoking on the street, and if hasn’t murdered his family with second hand smoke, they’ve probably banished him from his dwelling while he enjoys his little activity. I think your best bet is to cross the street, curse him under your breath and write to your city council member.
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Thanks ladies for the laughs! You’ve got an extra special show coming this Thursday 5/29 @ 7:30pm New York Comedy Club W 78th st! Comedy icon and legend of SNL fame and so much more Alan Zweibel, Broadway darling Amanda Green and stand up from Nick Griffin!!! All in one show and you’ll still be home by 9:15pm!!!
Yes, thank you, Biggest Fan! We have an awesome show tomorrow night!
I have a new saying: April showers bring May showers.
I had a babysitter whose clothes stunk from cigar smoke. When I asked if her Dad smoked cigars she told me when she opened her locker at school all the kids around her held their noses. Second hand cigar smoke is awful.
Re: Doctors who make you wait an inordinate amount of time; I leave after an hour, after telling the receptionist. Then, if it happens again I change doctors.
I had a doctor who constantly overbooked, leaving patients sitting in the waiting room for hours. After the third time I sent him an invoice for my time on my business letterhead, charging him my usual hourly consultation fee. The invoice was never paid but the point must have been made: after several weeks he actually called me and apologized. By that time, however, I had found another doctor.
I’m so proud of you!
This is not meant to excuse doctors who leave you waiting for an hour or more, because that’s appalling, but I do think some doctors overbook because of the number of patients who cancel at the very last minute or just don’t bother to show up.
Doctors & patients: please be considerate of everyone’s time and do not do these things. The appointment system only works when everyone acts like responsible adults.
Of course both patients and doctors should be considerate of each other’s time. But the doctors have ways of insuring that they get the best returns for their time: patients don’t. Many medical practices now charge a hefty fee for no-shows and late cancellations, whether or not there is a valid reason. And then there are the confirmation attempts — for a recent mammogram, I received a text, an email and a robo-phonecall to be sure I was coming. And then I waited for an hour. I understand the practices’ need to make the best use of their office hours and maximize their income. But I don’t think it’s an excuse for over-booking.
Just an additional note… It can be very hard for doctors to be on time because of long-winded patients, or patients who bring up other symptoms and conditions that weren’t mentioned when the appointment was originally scheduled, requiring the doctor to either dismiss this patient’s concerns, or give them additional time that hadn’t been built into the schedule. Doctors who truly listen and spend time addressing their patients’ concerns are few and far between, so when I’m kept waiting for my doctors, as long as they aren’t rushing me and not listening to me, I assume that they’re granting me the same good care that they were giving to others. So, I always expect to wait a bit to see any of my doctors as I know they’re very thorough. If your doctor, or the office, is completely rude about the time and doesn’t acknowledging you were kept waiting, despite you checking to see how the timing is coming along, then that’s a different story.