By Carol Zeavin and Rhona Silverbush
We often assume that toddlers know and understand more than they do.
The addition of a younger sibling to a toddler’s family is a perfect example. When we say “GREAT news! We’re getting a new baby!” we assume they understand that means in addition to them. But do they? All they know is that up until now, they’ve been your baby! They have no understanding of family structures yet. When you say “new baby” they may think: “But where will I go? And who will be my new Mommy and Daddy?” Grief, terror, anger, and dread may fill your toddler. And even those who don’t think they’re being kicked to the curb do wonder if you’ll still love them, cuddle them – in short, if they’ll still get to be your baby.
Alas, toddlers don’t yet have the language skills to fill us in about all their inner turmoil, nor have they developed the self-regulation to manage it. All we see is that they’re falling apart more often about such matters as getting their milk in the green sippy cup instead of the yellow one. And we don’t connect the dots in those moments back to this new enormous development they’re actually fretting about.
What can we do to help them make sense of and handle this massive upset to their world order? That’s what we address in our book meant for toddlers and their parents, New Baby!
For one thing, while you’re surely keen to tell the world your great news, it’s still best to postpone telling your toddler for as long as possible. Waiting until Mommy’s tummy’s pretty big before introducing the fact of a new sibling means less time for your toddler’s busy mind to worry. Keep the info simple (and use “toddler time” to help them understand when the baby’s arriving – “when it gets warm outside again,” for example). When the date nears even more, relate these facts to your toddler so they know what to expect and can feel reassured, as Kai’s daddy does in New Baby!
Once the baby has arrived, your toddler may love the baby aggressively…or just be aggressive…or both inside a span of ten minutes. Giving your toddler a safe outlet will help (“I can’t let you hit the baby, but you can throw this pillow over here.”) Toddlers love being helpful – you can give your toddler ways to feel great, as Kai’s daddy does in New Baby!:
And if/when you see regression, remember that your toddler needs reassurance that they are still your baby, as Kai seeks from his mommy:
One of the best things you can do is dedicate one-on-one time to them. Until their baby sibling arrived, that’s what they had with you, and they’ll be craving times when they have your full attention, as they had before they became the big sibling.
Finally, as we have emphasized in all of our articles, validating their feelings is vital. They will love their new sibling…AND… It’s very important that they hear from you that their feelings are all OK, and that your love will remain unwavering through this major new development and through their up-and-down feelings about it.
Thoughts? Questions? Please write us at info@westsiderag.com, and we’ll answer as many as we can in an upcoming column.
Carol Zeavin and Rhona Silverbush are the authors of the Terrific Toddler series. Read about them and the other article in this series here.
