Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

Editor’s note: This month, comedian Cory Kahaney is filling in for Karen Bergreen, who is on hiatus.

Passover and Easter approach! Whether you are planning on hosting an event with unleavened bread (constipating) or one with a large spiral ham (dehydrating), it is time to start planning. We here at Ruthless have three recommendations for you. 1) Invite some friends into the mix. Nothing is more holiday-friendly than diluting the family dynamic with outsiders. Everyone will be on their best behavior, and the conversation will be varied. For example, the debate on whose hernia surgery was worse, Uncle Saul’s or Uncle Leo’s, will keep until Shavuot, which almost no one celebrates, so problem solved. 2) You don’t have to stick to the same old agenda. Sure, the yearly retelling of holiday stories is highly scintillating, but perhaps consider how their lessons resonate in our complex and precarious present day and discuss how we can meet the new season with not just good intentions but bold actions. For Haggadah readers, you can read something else out loud. That’s what we do. 3) Save hard boiled eggs for egg salad sandwiches. ALL holiday celebrants should be served chocolate eggs.

Dear Ruthless,

My husband, while capable of completing many complicated endeavors with assurance and proficiency, seems utterly incapable of doing the most basic house work, or if he does it, he doesn’t do it well. Even the simplest tasks confound him, which he thinks is charming and I find ridiculous and infuriating. Help me, please!

Signed

Married to an Idiot

Dear Married to,

CINDY: Early in my marriage, my husband did the laundry, put his clothes away, and left mine folded on the bed. I asked him what gives. With a look that implied he wanted credit for the folding, he told me he didn’t know where they went. I said to him, “You have an MBA from one of the top schools in the country. Open a drawer and look.” You see, many men refuse to do tasks they think are beneath their rarefied skill set. Anything that isn’t as important as their “work” does not merit their full attention or effort. Do not waver in your resolve to let your husband know exactly what you think of his charm.

CORY: Believe it or not it could be worse. You could be married to the man who THINKS he’s good at household tasks. One time I came home to wet clothes hanging all over our apartment. According to him, every dryer was broken. Found out that he just didn’t know you had to hit “start” after you put money in the machine. I guess the way I cope is by remembering that without him I’d have no charging cords for all our devices, I’d have no retirement savings, and I’d probably run out of ketchup.

Dear Ruthless,

Next month I’m attending a memorial for an old friend. I have invited an out-of-town friend, who was part of our college group and whom I like very much, to stay with me. She called the other day and asked if I could house another person who wishes to attend. The problem is, this other person was and still is not a nice person. She was particularly awful to our dead friend, and I have no idea why she wants to come. She is definitely not someone I want to share my grief with. I feel very put on the spot. What do I say to my friend?

Signed,

Reluctant Host

Dear Reluctant,

CORY: It sounds like the person asking is tone deaf or looking to use your friend’s memorial for some other purpose. Either way, you’re grieving and don’t need that right now. As to what to say? How about “No”? If it were me and I was pressed on the matter I’d say we can host you but if you’re bringing Backstab Betty, I think you’ll need to get an AirBnB.

CINDY: I’d tell her you’d rather house Laura Loomer.

Dear Ruthless,

Can I/should I correct my children’s grammar in public?

Signed,

Stickler Mom

Dear Stickler,

CINDY: Yes, if you do not want me to call child services on you. Look, I know that there are colloquialisms and cultural differences that lead to all manner of grammatical flair. Nevertheless, every time I hear some friend or random person or podcaster or news anchor or actor on a SCRIPTED show, say, “They passed the information along to Tom and I,” a little piece of me dies.

CORY: I can’t think of why not, unless this contradicts your idea of gentle parenting or something. I think it’s okay to say, “It’s ‘I’d like a cupcake,’ not, ‘Me want a cupcake.’” My grandson was eating cotton candy I’d bought him at the fair, and a little girl came up to him and said, “My mommy said I can’t have cotton candy.” My grandson, with perfect grammar, replied, “Then you should ask your dad.” I have never been more proud.

Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan are the co-creators of The Ruthless Comedy Hour, a comedy variety show for grownups with brains. In its 11th year, it features top stand-up comedians (including this month’s guest columnist Cory Kahaney), musicians and celebrity interviews, and addresses social, political, and local concerns by making brutal fun of them. Bergreen is a veteran stand-up comedian and author of two acclaimed novels. Kaplan tours extensively with her comedy rock band, The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal, and is the author of two just as acclaimed collections of humorous essays.

Cory Kahaney has appeared on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and The Late Show with David Letterman. Other television appearances include CONAN, This Week at the Comedy Cellar, the View and she was a regular on The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Cory was also a grand finalist on NBC’s Last Comic Standing and a semi finalist on America’s Got Talent, and she has had specials on Comedy Central and HBO. Cory recently presented a Tedx talk called “The Joke that Saved My Life” addressing her journey to escape domestic abuse.

Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Ruthless at info@westsiderag.com.

Read all Ruthless Advice columns here.

Subscribe to West Side Rag’s FREE email newsletter here. And you can Support the Rag here.