Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

Boy, January sure is a hard slap of climate reality in the face! We’re sending all our love and support to our poor fellow humans in California, we’re preparing here for the coming polar vortex, and we’re watching Tik Tok videos (while we still can) of houses being moved inland on giant sleds. OOF! Well, let’s look at the bright side, which is that most of our problems are really not so problematic. Nevertheless, they are ours, and they don’t care about polar vortexes, so here are some answers. And, hey, February, we see you coming, and you can just BACK OFF!

Dear Ruthless,

How do you know when it’s time to end therapy?

Signed,

Big Talker

Dear Big Talker,

CINDY: When you’re bored.

KAREN: When you’re dead.

Dear Ruthless,

I gave my two-year-old a birthday party, inviting about ten of his little friends and their moms/dads. I wrote “no presents” on the invitation, because what two-year-old needs more plastic crap? He got a few things anyway, but one person left a card for our son that just said, “Your mommy is mean.” I think I know who it’s from. Should I say something?

Signed,

Insulted Mom

Dear Insulted,

CINDY: You ARE a mean mommy. But you are a good global citizen. One day, when your son learns what you did to save the planet you are leaving his generation, he will still not forgive you.

KAREN: Let’s hope that your kid isn’t like every other kid in NYC, a gifted reader at 18 months.  I would hire a private detective to identify the card’s author so you can remove her from your friendship circle.

Dear Ruthless,

Over the holidays my sister showed up with a blazing cold, sneezing and coughing all over everyone and everything. My husband and daughter got sick after she left. I’m so mad. How do you tell someone to stay home or actually GO home, when they show up to a gathering sick?

Signed,

Angry Germaphobe

Dear Angry,

CINDY: A contagious person should keep their contagion, whatever it may be, to themselves. Especially if there are elders or babies in attendance. I would tell your sister she has a choice between a KN95 mask and a bottle of antibacterial gel or taxi fare.

KAREN: If there was ever a time to tell someone you had a very new strain of smallpox that only targets people with colds, this would be it.

Dear Ruthless,

I hate it when people tell me to “chillax.” What’s a good rejoinder for this idiotic instruction?

Signed,

Unchillaxed

Dear Unchillaxed,

CINDY: According to my daughter, “YOU chillax!” works well.

KAREN : I say, “I’ll chillax when you stop channoying me.”

Dear Ruthless,

What do you do about people who are always putting you on the phone with people you’ve never met? My brother does this. He calls me or I call him, and he starts telling me something and then says, “So and So knows more about it than I do. Here, talk to him.” Or “Can you tell So and So about that place you stayed in London that you loved?” and then he puts me on the phone with that person. Whom I’ve never met. Often it happens when I’m running out or have limited time. I don’t want to talk to these people with no warning.

Signed,

Oy

Dear Oy,

CINDY: I get tired just being on the phone with the original person. I literally don’t have the strength to speak to their friends and colleagues. Unless it’s a medical issue, I tell them to give the friend my email or use the postal service, while it still exists.

KAREN: I don’t believe honesty is the best policy here. Your brother wants everyone in his life to know and love each other. This is adorable and irritating at the same time. Try the following: just as he’s about to pass the phone, say, “Oh my gosh, I think we are about to be discon——” and then press END CALL.

Dear Ruthless,

My mother is Marie Kondo-ing her closets and offering me lots of stuff I don’t want, including fur coats, insisting they are valuable and that I must take them. I DON’T WANT THEM. I’d be happy to drop them in the trash. What do I tell her? She is so easily insulted these days.

Signed,

Happily Joyless

Dear Joyless,

KAREN:  You could take them to Goodwill and get a tax deduction.

CINDY: Tell her you’ll only do a swap. She has to take the milk crate of record albums you have in the storage unit, your VCR and all attendant tapes, and some Gunny Sacks dresses you saved from high school because who knows? BTW, if you have any Gunny Sack dresses lying around, let me know. I’d totally wear one.

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