Funny Comment T-Shirt Contest Winners, and Another Chance to Win One!

We said make them funny and you did.

By Carol Tannenhauser

National Humor Month started — when else? — on April Fool’s Day, coinciding with our “funniest-comments-of-the-week contest,” in which we asked commenters to be funny, in exchange for a WSR T-shirt. There were supposed to be five winners, but things happened.

Jokester says:
This contest is going to be sooo easy – I’ll definitely win one in a day.

Not Entering the Contest says:
Don’t count your chickens before they cross the road.

Ivy says:
Those chicks can cross West 103rd Street.

Immediately, the judges made a decision. Jokester, Not Entering the Contest, and Ivy will all get T-shirts, leaving only two more to give away — unless you count each thread as one, which is what we decided to do. In some cases, the thread was edited to include only the funniest entries.

With regard to 200 Amsterdam:

jms says:
Although the pro-development zealots are no doubt cheering the news, I was sorry to hear of the latest setback in the fight to reduce overgrown sore-thumb 200 Amsterdam Ave. to its proper height. That thing *really* sticks out, and not in a good way. If the Court of Appeals ultimately rules out truncating the top 20 floors, perhaps activists could try a new tack — pressuring the developer to sink the bottom 20 floors below the ground. This would have the added benefit of reducing the area the building takes up, allowing for a larger public plaza and more sunlight.

Brandon says:
Come on, is this a serious suggestion?

Bob says:
Of course. You just dig a hole and nudge the building into it. What’s so hard about that?

JerryV says:
I think that sinking the building 20 stories into the ground is unrealistic, as it will go below the water table. The 20 stories should come off the middle.

Paul says:
Why not? Almost every tall building has had its 13th floor removed at some point, so the technology is definitely there.

jms, Brandon, Bob, JerryV, and Paul will each get a T-shirt.

The next batch went to Jeff and Linda E., one each.

Jeff says:
This makes me think the West Side Rag needs to start selling merch. You could have a tote (West Side bag), a pennant (West Side flag), a baseball t-shirt (West Side raglan), various pet products (West Side wag) and more. Call the online store (and giveaways like this) West Side Swag.

Linda E. says:
Dear Jeff,
Your suggestion that the West Side Rag consider making merchandise like a tote (bag), pennant (flag), and pet products (wag) is great, but don’t you think they also need to make something like a kitchen towel, because that would be, ya know, a West Side…Rag. 🙂

Next, came the best individual performances. We narrowed it down to these.

John Williams says:
Poetry Rag
The funniest thing I ever read
In the West Side Rag is best left unsaid
There are so many funny stories there
That to publish mine here is a bit of a dare

The Rag is so erudite, full of wisdom and knowledge
That to live on the Upper West Side is a color-blind privilege
I live in the Bloomingdale district close to the park
You know, the one you won’t venture into after it’s dark

So be it for the nonce … I may never write again
Great works of art can sometimes cause pain
I wear double X size T shirts in case nobody knows
And I’ll pick up my winnings next time I go to T Joe’s

Besides prose the Rag ought to send out a pome or two
Of UWS poets there are more than a few
A contest for best, funniest, worst or saddest of pomes
Ought to keep some folks busy while locked up in their homes

I’m posting this thing on my WordPress webpage
In case the Rag don’t include it on their Poetry Page
I’m not much of a wise man and was never a sage
But Old Timer’s Poetry and Theater is now all the rage
Copyright John Crawford 2021

With regard to the Neighborhood Trumpeter:

BWC says:
The trumpeter’s triumphant tremolo transcends our tragedy. Through turbulent times, the toots tire not; nor tarry. And thus – the trumpet trumps trump.

With regard to Zabar’s selling Vans:

nemo paradise says:
Next: Harry’s starts selling lox and cream cheese.

With regard to Hoptimist opening:

Kbulv says:
Another tip: they’re opening an exterminator shop next door……..Pestimist

With regard to curtailing Coupon Circulars:

Kim says:
Great job! You went right to the source and didn’t take the circular route!!!

That’s a total of 15 shirts, not bad when you consider all the clever quips we had to pass up. John Williams, writer of Rag Poetry above, offered a good suggestion for remedying that: another contest, this one featuring poetry — any form from haiku to limericks. Put them in the comments this week on this or any other article, and our favorite five (or so) will win WSR T-shirts.

On that note, maybe we’ll give out one more this round, also with regard to curtailing Coupon Circulars.

David says:
There once was a woman named Tina /
She wanted her building to be cleana /
She soon found a fix, said “We need less than six!” /
And now there’s no mess to be seen-a!

Winners, please send a note to westsiderag@gmail.com and we’ll tell you how  and where to collect your prizes.

Calling all poets.

ABSURDITY | 23 comments | permalink
    1. My Haiku for you…

      Bird in Flight

      soft light sweeps the gull

      swoops and soars in windy chase

      spirit sings aloft

    2. Shirtless And Shivering says:

      I can’t stress this enough: PLEASE sell these shirts! For charity! For web hosting costs! For paying contributors! For covering the cost of the shirts! I *almost* don’t care where my money goes or how much you want, I NEED this shirt!!

      • davidaron60 says:

        Then write something funny.

        • Shirtless And Shivering says:

          I guess I can play by the rules, that seems like my best chance! So here are 3 (!) lovely poems:

          1. “Fair is Fair”
          There once was a t-shirt I needed,
          so to the comments section I pleaded:
          “I’m cold and I’m styleless!”
          But other commenters are witty and guileless,
          So this shoddy limmerick’s proof I’ve not cheated

          2.
          West Side Rag t-shirt,
          Object of my desire
          I’d wear you to shreds

          3. Ode on the West Side Rag

          Thou still unpulitzer’d site of newsiness,
          Thou local-source of updates and good times,
          Manhattan historian, who canst thus express
          An opening or closing more succinctly than your rhymes:
          What lox-fring’d bagel haunts about the mouths
          Of locals or tourists, or of both,
          In Temptee or with slivers of onions?
          What tastes or flavors are these? What novel fish?
          What Starbucks closed? What dirtbike was not chased?
          What’s spotted in the park? What wild animals?

          Heard breaking news is sweet, but that unheard
          is sweeter; therefore, ye headlines, post on;
          Not to the sensual ear, but, more to read,
          Post to the eyes headlines of no tone:
          Fair scribe, down on the street, thou canst not leave
          Thy news, nor ever can those streets be bare;
          Bold newsboy, never, never canst thou hawk,
          Though standing with the paper yet, do not grieve;
          it cannot fade, though thou hast not thy coin,
          For ever wilt thou hawk, and it be news!

          Your cloth, nor ever bid the sleeves adieu;
          For ever typing comments for ever new;
          More West Side Rag! more West Side Rag!
          For ever update’d and fresh to be enjoy’d,
          For ever posting, and for ever news;
          All writing Manhattan stories far above,
          That leaves a reader aware and inform’d
          A burning thought, and a NIMBY tongue.

          Who are these coming to the comments?
          To what black text, O mysterious poet,
          Write’st thou that poem gunning for the shirts,
          And all its silken tags with laundr’ing notes?
          What western street by Hudson or park side,
          Or corner-built with peaceful co-op board,
          Is emptied of this folk, this Monday morn?
          And, western side, thy streets for evermore
          Will posting be; and not a soul to tell
          Why thou art posting, can e’er reply.

          O west side rag! Fair newsly blog! with text
          Of HTML and links to be clicked,
          With comment chains and sponsored ads;
          Thou, digital form, dost tease us out of thought
          As doth eternity: scroll past or else!
          When old age shall this generation meet,
          Thou shalt remain, in midst of other blogs
          Than ours, a friend to all, to whom thou say’st,
          “West Side Rag t-shirt is beauty,—that is all
          Ye know in Manhattan, and all ye need to know.”

      • Elizabeth Schiff says:

        I agree. The West Sad Rag is guilty of unhumorism.Those of us who are not funny or clever should be able to get a t-shirt, too!

      • John Williams says:

        I’d give you the shirt off my back but I need it too so I’ll give you the beautiful rag I just won 🙂

    3. FedUpPedestrian says:

      Okay, here is my haiku titled Central Park.

      spandex clad bikers
      terrorizing everyone
      not a velodrome

    4. Matt Paris says:

      I want one of these so bad

    5. Jeff says:

      Thanks WSR, honored to be among the winners! And just now seeing Linda E’s reply to me about a literal West Side Rag kitchen towel, lol.

      Also the freebies are really working wonders for making the comments section more enjoyable, such a smart move.

    6. West 69er says:

      Here’s my limerick, dedicated to my beloved neighbors in the West 69th Street Block Association:

      There once was a neighborhood group
      Who shared coffee and stories on stoops

      They planted bulbs in autumn
      Which by spring grew to blossoms

      Together, they were a friendly troupe.

      There once was a gaggle of friends
      With Amsterdam and Central Park at its ends

      Their newsletter shared stories
      Of accomplishments, sorrows, joys, and worries

      And events that all could attend.

      There once was a block association so fine
      They all lived on West Sixty-Nine

      Fifty years this group’s gathered
      Meeting each other was what mattered

      They’ll gather again, post-pandemic, in due time.

    7. Christine E says:

      Haiku on the challenges of communicating and socializing in a pandemic:

      Mask hides emotions
      I bought an eyebrow pencil
      Hoping that will help

    8. Alicia says:

      I don’t know if this, risque limerick is okay to post, but I’m taking a chance.

      An Upper West Sider named Yates
      Sped around Central Park on his skates
      
On one of his falls

      He injured his b*lls
      Which then made him useless on dates.

    9. Laurel Gilbert says:

      You must sell those T-shirts. I need
      one large and one very small. WSR is a WS institution and needs to be celebrated. Name your price!

    10. UWSer says:

      I love it. We have clever neighbors. Thanks WSR!

    11. Senior’s Day
      Hear ye, hear ye, all ye who are able
      Whether healthy, strong, faint-hearted or feeble
      This you must hear if you will give me an ear
      Saturday, April 24 is Senior’s Day this year

      Now this is good reason to jump up and shout
      And for seniors from indoors to arise and come out
      We can start with a visit to a tulip garden display
      And do whatever we want for the rest of the day

      I, for my part, on this historic Senior’s Day
      Will be reading some poetry and then act in a play
      It’s all about the poor souls who in nursing homes died
      Lest the Empire State fall victim to a false sense of pride

      So come one and all, whether short, fat or tall
      And we’ll surely be having one heck of a ball
      Speaking of balls bring your Yoga ball and mat
      Or else we’ll just run around in the park we meet at

      On your face I’ve no doubt some may wear a big frown
      As you contemplate celebrating your age in this town
      If homebound in a wheelchair or crutches you need
      You are still welcome to join us and we wish you Godspeed

      Copyright John Crawford 2021 http://www.PoeticJustice.vip All Rights Reserved

    12. Josh P. says:

      This shirt is the ultimate Zizmorecore grail.
      https://www.thecut.com/article/zizmorcore-nyc-fashion-trend.html

    13. Rachelle Singer says:

      Hi…I’m a former UWS dweller who lives in exile since retiring. If there are any t-shirts left, have mercy and send me one. It is H*ll living in Pittsburgh, no matter what anyone tells you…Amazon understood, the rest of the world will catch up.

    14. Judy Robinson says:

      Yes, please make these shirts to sell to all of us — and in colors, please.

      One cherry-mango Italian Ice drip, and a white T-shirt’s career is over. I want one, and I want it to last.

    15. Michael H says:

      I felt inspired to write you a poem!

      The Sabbath was coming as I walked up Broadway,
      In search of a challah, I went to Fairway.
      I got there and found the crowd was bizarre,
      So I picked up my bags and I went to Zabars!

    16. Susan F says:

      Sign of the times ( Haiku)

      put your face mask on
      wash hands with soap and water
      daily mantras said