By Carol Tannenhauser

National Humor Month started — when else? — on April Fool’s Day, coinciding with our “funniest-comments-of-the-week contest,” in which we asked commenters to be funny, in exchange for a WSR T-shirt. There were supposed to be five winners, but things happened.

Jokester says:
This contest is going to be sooo easy – I’ll definitely win one in a day.

Not Entering the Contest says:
Don’t count your chickens before they cross the road.

Ivy says:
Those chicks can cross West 103rd Street.

Immediately, the judges made a decision. Jokester, Not Entering the Contest, and Ivy will all get T-shirts, leaving only two more to give away — unless you count each thread as one, which is what we decided to do. In some cases, the thread was edited to include only the funniest entries.

With regard to 200 Amsterdam:

jms says:
Although the pro-development zealots are no doubt cheering the news, I was sorry to hear of the latest setback in the fight to reduce overgrown sore-thumb 200 Amsterdam Ave. to its proper height. That thing *really* sticks out, and not in a good way. If the Court of Appeals ultimately rules out truncating the top 20 floors, perhaps activists could try a new tack — pressuring the developer to sink the bottom 20 floors below the ground. This would have the added benefit of reducing the area the building takes up, allowing for a larger public plaza and more sunlight.

Brandon says:
Come on, is this a serious suggestion?

Bob says:
Of course. You just dig a hole and nudge the building into it. What’s so hard about that?

JerryV says:
I think that sinking the building 20 stories into the ground is unrealistic, as it will go below the water table. The 20 stories should come off the middle.

Paul says:
Why not? Almost every tall building has had its 13th floor removed at some point, so the technology is definitely there.

jms, Brandon, Bob, JerryV, and Paul will each get a T-shirt.

The next batch went to Jeff and Linda E., one each.

Jeff says:
This makes me think the West Side Rag needs to start selling merch. You could have a tote (West Side bag), a pennant (West Side flag), a baseball t-shirt (West Side raglan), various pet products (West Side wag) and more. Call the online store (and giveaways like this) West Side Swag.

Linda E. says:
Dear Jeff,
Your suggestion that the West Side Rag consider making merchandise like a tote (bag), pennant (flag), and pet products (wag) is great, but don’t you think they also need to make something like a kitchen towel, because that would be, ya know, a West Side…Rag. 🙂

Next, came the best individual performances. We narrowed it down to these.

John Williams says:
Poetry Rag
The funniest thing I ever read
In the West Side Rag is best left unsaid
There are so many funny stories there
That to publish mine here is a bit of a dare

The Rag is so erudite, full of wisdom and knowledge
That to live on the Upper West Side is a color-blind privilege
I live in the Bloomingdale district close to the park
You know, the one you won’t venture into after it’s dark

So be it for the nonce … I may never write again
Great works of art can sometimes cause pain
I wear double X size T shirts in case nobody knows
And I’ll pick up my winnings next time I go to T Joe’s

Besides prose the Rag ought to send out a pome or two
Of UWS poets there are more than a few
A contest for best, funniest, worst or saddest of pomes
Ought to keep some folks busy while locked up in their homes

I’m posting this thing on my WordPress webpage
In case the Rag don’t include it on their Poetry Page
I’m not much of a wise man and was never a sage
But Old Timer’s Poetry and Theater is now all the rage
Copyright John Crawford 2021

With regard to the Neighborhood Trumpeter:

BWC says:
The trumpeter’s triumphant tremolo transcends our tragedy. Through turbulent times, the toots tire not; nor tarry. And thus – the trumpet trumps trump.

With regard to Zabar’s selling Vans:

nemo paradise says:
Next: Harry’s starts selling lox and cream cheese.

With regard to Hoptimist opening:

Kbulv says:
Another tip: they’re opening an exterminator shop next door……..Pestimist

With regard to curtailing Coupon Circulars:

Kim says:
Great job! You went right to the source and didn’t take the circular route!!!

That’s a total of 15 shirts, not bad when you consider all the clever quips we had to pass up. John Williams, writer of Rag Poetry above, offered a good suggestion for remedying that: another contest, this one featuring poetry — any form from haiku to limericks. Put them in the comments this week on this or any other article, and our favorite five (or so) will win WSR T-shirts.

On that note, maybe we’ll give out one more this round, also with regard to curtailing Coupon Circulars.

David says:
There once was a woman named Tina /
She wanted her building to be cleana /
She soon found a fix, said “We need less than six!” /
And now there’s no mess to be seen-a!

Winners, please send a note to westsiderag@gmail.com and we’ll tell you how  and where to collect your prizes.

Calling all poets.