By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Editor’s note: This month, actor, comedian and longtime UWSer Brad Zimmerman is filling in for Karen Bergreen, who is on hiatus.
This weekend marks another Memorial Day, and we, your Ruthless advisors, offer their profound gratitude to those of you who have served or continue to serve our country. It is our fervent wish that one day this service will be obsolete, that we can all just go about our lives in safety and freedom, and that any ruthlessness that survives in the world will be reserved solely for this column.
Dear Ruthless,
My apartment mate acquired a cat while I was out of town. We’ve been living together for eight months, and he knows I’m allergic. He claims he can keep the cat in his room. He can’t.
Signed,
Wheezing
Dear Wheezing,
BRAD: I have very strong feelings about cats. I lived with two cats for over 10 years, and the best thing about the cats was that they reinforced just how much I love dogs. But enough about me. I am a bit bothered by the fact that he didn’t tell you that he was going to get a cat. I think with all the people who are allergic to cats, it would have been the right thing to ask you or at least tell you he planned to get a cat. And if he said he would keep the cat in the bedroom and fails to live up to that promise, well, we are not dealing with an understanding person. The bottom line really is who owns the apartment, or whose name is on the lease. If it’s him, you might find yourself spending more time in your bedroom.
CINDY: Bringing an animal into a shared environment without asking you was extremely bad form and disqualifies your apartment mate as a person with whom you, or anyone, should live. What other inconsiderate thing is he going to do next? You can bet there will be something—he’ll give drum lessons or host a Riverdance-themed party. If you have the lease, this could be cause to eject the guy and his (frankly, blameless) cat. If not, and you can’t afford to move out, may I suggest you borrow/rent a hypoallergenic Airedale for a week or two and let it loll about on the couch.
Dear Ruthless,
We just moved into a brownstone and share a back yard with one other family. There is nothing in it right now besides a trellis and a small patio. We’d love to be able to use it and will be reaching out to our neighbors. We are happy to buy a table and chairs and share them. Even plant some flowers. The day we moved in we put our old outdoor bench in it, really just for convenience, and immediately heard from the landlord that we cannot “claim” the space. Does this put the kibosh on our plans?
Signed,
Community Gardeners
Dear Community,
CINDY: Write your landlord a note explaining your lovely plans and drop it by with a plate of homemade cookies. If you don’t bake, buy something nice. You want to get off on the right foot with the landlord, even if he’s a jerk. Kill them with kindness, I always say. Now, I assume the back garden is included in your lease and your neighbor’s lease. With agreement from them you have every right to use it as you wish. Brad and I look forward to an invitation to your first BBQ.
BRAD: The landlord is making an assumption. Assure him that you want everyone to be able to use the patio. In addition, you might poll the other tenants to gauge their interest in your generous offer. You might even ask them if they want to pool money to purchase a barbecue grill. That would be really cool. Maybe share with the landlord your idea for a communal patio and how this could really turn into a very lovely meeting place for tenants and their friends and family. Cindy and I will be right over.
Dear Ruthless,
I started using one of those subscription clothing plans, where you pay a fee and every month you get six new things. I’m using it as an opportunity to reinvent a bit, rev up my style quotient. My partner won’t stop making jokey comments about some of the outfits, and it’s really hurting my feelings. I’d like to say something but I hate feeling defensive.
Signed,
New Me, Old You
Dear New Me,
BRAD: I like the premise of your idea. This is your chance to get creative. If you are interested in a makeover of sorts, not everyone is going to love your choices. If you’re in a relationship with this person, it seems a little harsh on their part to be so critical. Are we to assume that your partner likes your present wardrobe? You could ask them what colors they fancy and choose items accordingly. This is a wonderful opportunity, but it really boils down to one thing. You are trying to please you, not your partner. Their approval is icing on the cake.
CINDY: Sometimes our friends or partners feel discombobulated or even threatened by a new you. The old you is what they signed up for. But to paraphrase the late, great Patrick Swayze, nobody puts Baby in a corner. This is your time to shine. And I have every confidence you can ice your own cake.
Dear Ruthless,
Why do people throw chicken bones on the sidewalk? It’s so dangerous for dogs! They can choke or cut themselves on splintered bones. How do we stop this practice?
Signed,
What is Wrong with Some People?
Dear What,
BRAD: I have to confess I am no expert when it comes to spotting chicken bones on a sidewalk. In all my years I have never spotted one and if I have I didn’t make much of it. My gut tells me you’re alone in this matter. I would tell you to bring it up with your congressman, but that might be overreacting.
CINDY: Excuse me, Brad of the two cats! As a dog owner myself, I can tell you that What is Wrong with Some People is NOT alone in this matter. Who are these people with their strolling al fresco chicken? A chicken leg is not an ice cream cone. Even composting is not fully safe unless you boil the bones or grind them down first. And that’s to protect the raccoons and the rats. Unless you are eating the bag when you are finished with your chicken, put the bones in the bag and the bag in the garbage. Otis cosigns.
Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan are the co-creators of The Ruthless Comedy Hour, a comedy variety show for grownups with brains. In its 11th year, it features top stand-up comedians (including this month’s guest columnist Cory Kahaney), musicians and celebrity interviews, and addresses social, political, and local concerns by making brutal fun of them. Bergreen is a veteran stand-up comedian and author of two acclaimed novels. Kaplan tours extensively with her comedy rock band, The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal, and is the author of two just as acclaimed collections of humorous essays.
Brad Zimmerman is an actor, comedian, and longtime Upper Westsider. As a comedian he has worked with some of the legends of comedy, such as George Carlin and Joan Rivers. He has headlined all over the country in casinos, theaters, and clubs. His hit one man show “My Son the Waiter, a Jewish Tragedy” played off-Broadway for well over a year, and as an actor he played Johnny Sack’s lawyer on the award-winning HBO show “The Sopranos.”
Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Ruthless at info@westsiderag.com.
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