By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Cindy here. On behalf of the whole Ruthless advice team, I’d like to thank you, our wonderful Ruthless community, for your very kind words of support for Karen (and for me) in the comment section of our last column. I am no less grateful for your excellent snack suggestions, as snacks are very important to us. We hope to be taste-testing all of them in the coming months. One of my personal snack favorites hails from when I was a young child home with strep throat or the flu. My mother would make me Ritz Cracker and butter sandwiches. That’s butter between two things that are mostly butter. Delicious! Nowadays, I love a good potato chip. I’m especially fond of Trader Joe’s Ridged Chips. When they open me up after I die to take out the organs I hope to donate (is this too morbid?) I’m thinking that’s all they’ll find. Potato chips. Anyhoo, I love you and thank you all. You are, as Karen says, the best.
Dear Ruthless,
Let me set the scene: my friend and I, both widows in our eighties, were walking down Columbus Avenue one summer afternoon when we ran into a gentleman acquaintance of my friend’s. He was our age, nice looking, and well turned out in a dapper linen suit. As we shook hands he leaned towards me slightly and said in a quiet voice, “I’m taken.” I’m taken? Had anyone asked? I certainly hadn’t. I was shocked into silence at the time, but now I wish I had answered. I’d love to hear suggestions for an appropriate retort.
Signed,
Definitely Not Looking
Dear Definitely,
CINDY: Omg, men.
OTIS: Srsly.
CINDY: How about: “WHAT?” (All caps mean I want you to yell.) “WHAT? YOU’RE TAKEN? WHAT? NOOOOO!”
OTIS: And then you fall into a dead faint. I’ve seen friends of mine do this on the Tonight Show, and it’s hilarious. Just try not to break a hip.
CINDY: Or this: “But I’ve already picked out our china pattern!”
OTIS: More like: “I’ve already bought our side by side plots.”
CINDY: Or: “It’s okay, I still drive.”
OTIS: I don’t get that one.
CINDY: Old women mostly only need old men at that time in their lives if the men still drive.
Dear Ruthless,
We were around the holiday dinner table at my grandmother’s apartment and she made a pretty mild comment about a current political situation. My father, her son-in-law, who is usually pretty placid at these events, though not without snark, lost his mind. He screamed at my very old grandmother and probably terrified her. I know he has strong feelings about this particularly political situation, but he was so out of line. I haven’t spoken to him in months. My mother is really upset with me. Why is it my fault?
Signed,
Silent Son
Dear Silent,
OTIS: May I suggest a shock collar?
CINDY: I’m wondering if your father has apologized to his mother-in-law? If not, that’s where I’d start, and let you mother know that’s your first line in the sand. After that, the rest of the family deserves an apology. We do not have to put up with unkindness or incivility from either strangers OR family. As to your mother, I have a thing about people getting mad at someone because that someone is justifiably mad at someone else. If you understood that, you are my people.
Dear Ruthless,
Now that people are staring at their phones all the time, they often don’t seem to notice when an old or pregnant person, or a person with a disability gets on the train. As a very pregnant person myself, and shy, I’d like to know how to ask for a seat without sounding like a whiner.
Signed,
Pregnant Non-whiner
Dear Pregnant,
OTIS: When I want or need to sit, I just do it. I don’t care who is already there. I think this should be your strategy. Just start sitting on someone’s lap. Chances are they’ll get up. If they object, say, “I’m sorry, I’m so pregnant I didn’t see you sitting there.”
CINDY: This happened recently when I was on the subway with my mother. No one offered her a seat. No one even looked up at her. She’s pretty sturdy but was still dismayed by the lack of situational awareness. Either fake/accidentally kick or bump someone and hope they tear their eyes away from the screen, although I feel like we just don’t have that kind of time anymore. Otis has the right idea. Almost. Be direct, but try using your words first, and it doesn’t need to sound whiny. “Hi, I’m elderly/pregnant/on crutches, so what are we thinking here?”
Dear Ruthless,
I’m part of a small artist’s group. We get together once a week to paint and talk about our work, and, after many years, our lives. Last week, one of our members was coughing. A lot. Deep, bronchial, phlegmy hacks. We remarked on it, but she insisted it was dust from a cleaning house session or allergies or the end of something. Now she writes to us all, apologetically, I’ll add, that she is sick. Still, shouldn’t she have been smarter about that? Or should we have cancelled the session when she coughed her first cough, even though she demurred?
Signed,
Art Plague
Dear Art,
CINDY: I honestly think this error in judgment can be chalked up to wishful thinking. Who wants to cancel something they enjoy when they aren’t convinced they are sick? (As opposed to getting sick and canceling something you don’t want to do, ie, me, Thanksgiving 2022, the Poconos with the husband’s extended family. Thank you, Covid!) Your friend might have assumed, given how our world has changed since 2020, that a hacking, phlegmy cough is not the best look. On the other hand, you could have masked up or left. No one is forcing you to make art in a tuberculosis sanitorium.
OTIS: As someone who is constantly being pulled away from drinking puddles full of giardia or some other horror, I am grateful that I can count on my community to keep me safe. I certainly can’t do it myself. Who can? Also, I don’t know what the word demurred means, but I’ll say this. If it coughs like a duck, it’s a duck.
Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan are the co-creators of The Ruthless Comedy Hour, a comedy variety show for grownups with brains. In its 12th year, it features top stand-up comedians musicians and celebrity interviews, and addresses social, political, and local concerns by making brutal fun of them. Bergreen is a veteran stand-up comedian and author of two acclaimed novels. Kaplan tours extensively with her comedy rock band, The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal, and is the author of two just as acclaimed collections of humorous essays.
Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Ruthless at info@westsiderag.com.
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