Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

What ho ho! It’s Chanukah and Christmas all at once! What a bounty! What a…oh, yeah, the election, almost forgot. Well, anyway, let’s celebrate while we can. Ring all the bells, light all the candles, sing all the songs, give some nice non-planet-destroying gifts, eat whatever crumbs the universe has left us in the wake of the Absolute Bagels closing. Hug your loved ones and your pets. Be kind to those neighbors you wish would move. Hey, you live on the Upper West Side! You’ve got it pretty good! Don’t get hung up on your problems. That’s OUR job! So merry everything to all, and to all a good…oh, wait, the election, well, anyway.

Dear Ruthless,  

We have a lovely Christmas dinner every year and one particular guest who always arrives with his dog, claiming the dog can’t be by herself even for a few hours. The dog is totally unmanageable. 

Signed,

Dinner Sans Dog

Dear Dinner Sans Dog,

CINDY: Of the guest and the dog, the guest seems the more unmanageable one. Does your guest bring the dog to restaurants and movie theaters? To the opera and the football stadium? I love dogs, Otis especially, but he’s not a great guest, so he stays at home. Also, he hates opera

KAREN: The guests have spoken: it’s between you and the dog, the dog will always win. You could always take a half a Valium- and leave the other half for the pup.

Dear Ruthless, 

My in-laws have us to stay for a few nights over Christmas and won’t let me bring my dog because they claim it throws their dogs off their routine. All the dogs actually get along. What’s the deal? 

Signed, 

Dog Party (in the dog house?)

Dear Dog Party,

KAREN: My dog is terrible with other dogs, and it was hard for me to accept. I want you to be honest with yourself about how well the dogs get along. If in fact they do, you might have to accept the fact that your in-laws hate your dog. 

CINDY: The dogs probably don’t give a poop about their routine. It’s the in-laws’ routine and good luck with that.

Dear Ruthless,

Everyone is always yammering on about their favorite Trader Joe’s foods, when it just seems like a regular grocery story but not as nice. What am I missing here?

Signed,

Trader No

Dear Trader No,

KAREN: You need a TJ sherpa. The store can be overwhelming. Go when you aren’t in a hurry so you can discover all of its delights. I, for example, am eating the Bamba puffed peanut and corn snacks as I type this. My staples include their jumbo blueberries, Zhoug sauce, fresh salmon,  frozen pigs in blankets, and chocolate covered orange peel. I’d be happy to accompany you on your first visit. 

CINDY: Where are you shopping for groceries, Tiffany? Trader Joe’s is immaculate, the staff are delightful and helpful, most of the bespoke items are delicious or at least tasty and comparatively inexpensive, and the produce moves so fast that by 6pm most of it is gone. Get a grip. 

Dear Ruthless, 

My niece and nephew want to stay with me for a week and it’s really an inconvenience but I feel too guilty to say no. Should I just bite the bullet and say yes?  

Signed,

Guilt-Ridden Loner

Dear Guilt-Ridden,

KAREN: Maybe you could ask them to help pay for expenses, and by expenses I mean the cost of your going to a hotel. But, if you really care about them, suck it up. Set as many ground rules as you need to get through the week. I’ll bet they’ll be very grateful.

CINDY: You know how one year is seven dog years? That’s how it is with me and unwanted guests. I would suggest a long weekend. That cuts it down to three dog years which, speaking as a dog owner, seems manageable. 

Dear Ruthless,

I am tired of birthdays. At a certain point they just become a reminder of how old I’m getting. At what age can I just cancel the whole birthday thing, and how can I get friends and family to go along with not acknowledging that I’m a year older?

Signed,

Feeling Old

Dear Old,

KAREN:  You always have the option of just planning a fun dinner, but your besties may not pick up the bill. At  the risk of sounding too sanctimonious, I suggest you shift your perspective. Getting old has its obvious drawbacks, but it’s a privilege. I don’t necessarily want you to think of your loved ones who died too young on your birthday, but they may remind you of how lucky you are to be treated to dinner by your pals.  

CINDY: Spend your birthday week home watching great movies and eating bonbons. Tell everyone you’ve gone to Mustique. Also, I’m anywhere between 45 and death, depending on my mood.

Subscribe to West Side Rag’s FREE email newsletter here. And you can Support the Rag here.