Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

Editor’s note: This month, Broadway lyricist Amanda Green is filling in for Karen Bergreen, who is on hiatus.

We love marches. LOVE them. Where else can you get your steps in without being expected to wear spandex and jog? Where else can you tap a stranger on the shoulder and say “great sign” and find out you went to the same summer camp 30 years apart? Where can you chant tunelessly and no one tells you to mouth the words like they did in middle school chorus during rehearsal for the holiday concert? Coloring with sharpies on posterboards and carrying them in a vast sea of like-minded humans is also an excellent opportunity to dip your toe into activism. It can be a gateway drug to political agency, which, along with their vote, is what every person who lives in a democracy deserves. We here at Ruthless don’t care what you believe (okay, we do) but we encourage you to participate. It is your right and a privilege and the price you pay to live in a free society. And if you occasionally feel like flipping the bird at the naysayers, that’s your right, too.

Dear Ruthless,

Can I send a gift registry  link to friends and family, even though my boyfriend and I are not getting married?  We don’t believe in it, as an institution. We’re also worried this or some future government will make it illegal again. But we just moved in together and could really use help putting together a household of necessities.

Signed,

Domestic God

Dear Domestic,

CINDY: Congratulations on your cohabitation! Depending on your age, you may or may not remember a Sex and the City episode in which Carrie wonders if even unmarried single people don’t deserve to throw themselves a party and ask for specific gifts (like Manolo Blahniks). I think you should absolutely send around an announcement with a request for contributions to your new family’s happiness and well-being. And if people don’t like it or get it, you just make a note for when they send around an announcement of their own.

AMANDA: Absolutely and mazel tov! I might suggest offering a nice wide price range of items so your friends/loved ones without a lot of coin can feel they’re contributing to your happiness and your friends/loved ones who are making bank can show you how much they care with a big splash.

Dear Ruthless,

Can I return a dress I wore once? If I left the tags on?

Signed,

Frugal Lady

Dear Frugal,

CINDY: When we buy clothing at a retail store there is a contractual agreement that we will not return it worn. I would not like to buy something new and have it smell like teen spirit. That’s for consignment buying, thrifting, or apps like Rent the Runway or Nuumy. And anyone who claims to have a friend of a friend who returned a used, 30-year-old frying pan that Nordstrom took back even though they never sold that brand can suck it. IT NEVER HAPPENED.

AMANDA: Did you sweat in it? Stain it? You know what, even if you didn’t, ew. No. Wait, Cindy didn’t you return that dress you wore to the gala?

CINDY: I did not return the dress. Well, I won’t now.

Dear Ruthless,

I read the galley of a memoir (left in my building library) in which some startling information about a neighbor was shared.  The person’s identity was disguised but the circumstances and people connections will be clear to a lot of people in our building. Should I warn my friend pre-publication or play dumb?

Signed,

Unwilling Reader

Dear Unwilling,

AMANDA: What’s a building library and do you need a library card? Who’s the person and what did they do? Details, please. As to the galley–what a sticky wicket! First of all, who was entrusted with a free yet-to-be-published galley print and relegated it to the building library? Cold. The fallout belongs to the author.  If  you bring the memoir up with your friend, you put yourself squarely in the middle of a situation in which you’re not involved. Not your monkey, not your circus. I would steer clear.

CINDY: A building library is an extra space, often in the basement, where residents leave their used books for other people to read. If you are very lucky, one or two residents will take it upon themselves to organize the books by genre and author name. I have to say building libraries  seem to be quite common on the Upper West Side, where most of the city’s great readers choose to settle. Now, to the question. As a kindness, I would take the galley back to your apartment and make a fresh bed for your hamster with the pages. After that, it’s out of your hands.

Dear Ruthless, 

We are going to my sister’s seder in Connecticut and spending the weekend at her family’s lovely home. In the past she and her husband have told us not to bring our (adorable!) dog, because once, years ago, our first dog pooped all over their fancy wall-to-wall white carpeting. We have always respected their request. But now their grown son is bringing his dog, Bagel. My question is twofold. Shouldn’t we be able to bring our dog now, and why would you name your dog Bagel?

Signed,

In The Dog House

Dear In the Dog,

AMANDA: I’m afraid  you’re still in “the dog house.” Especially if your sister and her family host you for the weekend–their carpet, their rules. I would find a friend to pet sit your adorable pup for the weekend. And give Bagel a little extra love. With a name like Bagel, he needs all he can get. I once met a chihuahua named Mr. President. It was hardly his fault.

CINDY: It is my opinion that Bagel is a perfectly delightful name for a Jewish dog. Mr. President is fine, too, or was. On the other point, I agree with Amanda: Your house, your dog rules. Not all poop is equal. Even in a constitutional democracy.

Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan are the co-creators of The Ruthless Comedy Hour, a comedy variety show for grownups with brains. In its 11th year, it features top stand-up comedians (including this month’s guest columnist Cory Kahaney), musicians and celebrity interviews, and addresses social, political, and local concerns by making brutal fun of them. Bergreen is a veteran stand-up comedian and author of two acclaimed novels. Kaplan tours extensively with her comedy rock band, The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal, and is the author of two just as acclaimed collections of humorous essays.