Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

We’ve received two dozen queries as to what to do if you drive a Tesla. Listen, who knew, right? Well, besides all the people who work at Tesla and Twitter. They knew. Our advice is to spray paint “I regret it, believe me” on both sides of your vehicle, on the hood backwards so people can read it in their rearview mirrors, and on the top for helicopters, and then go about your business of doing the right thing re: climate change. Your heart is in the right place, unless you have one of those trucks that look like a three-year-old drew the blueprints, and then you might send a search party for your heart, because they are terrifying, dystopian eyesores. No offense.

Dear Ruthless,

I work in a casual office and have a friendly relationship with a young woman who sits next to me. We are in different departments and never work together. I recently noticed that she has a tattoo of a bunny on her arm. I asked her about it and she said some of her friends call her Bunny. I’ve always been fond of giving people nicknames, I find they often lead to a more personal relationship, so I started calling her Bunny. I asked her if she’s ok with that, and she said it’s fine. A female friend of mine (my age) thinks it’s not fine. What do you think?

Signed,

Bunny Curious

Dear Curious,

CINDY: No one cares what you are fond of doing with regard to people’s names, particularly a young woman in your office, who by the way, is not your “friend.” Women have been putting up with men calling them infantilizing and sexualizing nicknames since the dawn of time. I’m sure this wasn’t your intent, but no one cares about your intent, either. Except for H.R.

KAREN: Her saying, “it’s fine,” is code for “You’re giving me the Ick.”

Dear Ruthless,

I was invited to a wedding by the daughter of a dear old friend.  They registered for cash for their honeymoon, which I thought was a great idea, and I used the link that the registry provided. This was eight months ago. I didn’t receive a thank you from the couple.  I’m less concerned about the etiquette than I am about whether they received the gift.  Do I ask the parents? I don’t want to embarrass anyone and I really am not hung up on thank you notes.

Signed,

Out 500 dollars

Dear Out,

KAREN: I would tell the parents “I’m doing a research project to find out who among my friends has taught their kids about thank you notes.”

CINDY: If you truly don’t care about thank you notes, then you should have already checked your bank account or credit card statement or Venmo or Paypal to see if there is a record of the gift. So maybe you’re a little hung up? It’s okay to own it. My mother does.

Dear Ruthless,

My uncle, who is no toothpick himself, is often remarking on the size of female relatives at family get-togethers, including me, using derogatory names like Fatty and Mama Cass. What can I say to him to get him to stop? I really find it offensive.

Signed,

Fed Up

Dear Fed,

KAREN: Tell him that defining people by their size is cruel and that he’s no longer invited to your gatherings, but you’ll be happy to eat his portion.

CINDY: Despite the fact that I abhor name calling of any kind, sometimes a taste of one’s own medicine is called for. Come up with your own series of monikers and see how he likes it. I like Fudgy the Whale, Human Superdome, and that old standby, Hindenburg.

Dear Ruthless:

I started to watch White Lotus on the plane. I was on the aisle. First scene, a guy goes down on a gal. Alas, there were young kids around me. What would be my best course of action here?

P.S. I wimped out and changed the channel.

Signed,

Sex-Starved Aloft

Dear Starved,

KAREN: You absolutely did the right thing. Sometimes being considerate of others at the expense of our own personal liberties seems pathetic, but it’s part of the social contract. You can always fast forward through the naughty scenes or change the channel.

CINDY: I concur. Part of the pleasure of watching scenes like this is being alone while doing it. Why waste a perfectly good oral sex scene on a crowded plane? Save it for the hotel.

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