By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
As we know, our beloved Upper West Side is home to many authors, journalists, actors, playwrights, dancers, musicians, and advice columnists. We share your dismay over the recent assault by the new administration on the arts and the press, and we urge you to take to heart that prescient poem that began: “First they came for the Kennedy Center, and I did nothing.”
Fear not, we will not be cowed. We will continue to give good advice, and if, at any point, we are ordered to give bad advice, we will resign our posts in protest, rather than submit.
Dear Ruthless,
My friend is dating a jerk. Help! I want to give her advice, but my sister says I shouldn’t.
Signed,
Busybody
Dear Busy,
KAREN: Say nothing but be there in the aftermath to pick up the pieces.
CINDY: Watch reruns of Sex in the City with her. Those gals go through so many jerks on that show that maybe she’ll recognize her new boyfriend and rethink.
Dear Ruthless,
I am a proud consumer of the New York City bus line. Every so often I encounter a passenger who doesn’t honor the seat outline provided by the MTA. I often have to stand, while I longingly stare at a tote bag occupying a coveted seat. Do I speak up?
Signed,
Tired of Standing
Dear Tired,
CINDY: I’ll start with a gentle “Excuse me,” but if they ignore that, I will loudly ask them if their bag paid its own fare.
KAREN: Ask the bag directly. If it doesn’t respond, move it.
Dear Ruthless,
I’m not ready to watch the news yet, because it is so upsetting. My friends, though, insist on talking about all the scary stuff when we’re together. I’m not hiding my head in the sand, but there is literally nothing to be done. They kind of bully me about it. How do I get them to respect my wishes? They are supposed to be my friends.
Signed,
Head in the Sand Sandy
Dear Sand Sandy,
KAREN: I understand why you don’t want to know. It’s like checking the portal for biopsy results, but you eventually look because you want to move forward. That doesn’t mean planting yourself in front of MSNBC all day, just a quick check in. As for your friends, say that they can only discuss problems for which there is an approach to a solution. Ask them about the 5 Calls App and the AMA YouTube Channel.
CINDY: Just as you need to NOT talk about the news, your friends may need to. A little give and take seems to be in order. You might discuss parameters and time limits. Also, come to get-togethers armed with apolitical discussable subjects, like Hollywood plastic surgery successes and failures and the latest streaming British police procedurals.
Dear Ruthless,
I’m obsessed with the Hugh Jackman-Sutton Foster romance. I know he divorced his wife. Does this make me a bad person?
Signed,
Theater Head
Dear Head,
CINDY: Listen, stuff happens in people’s marriages, and unfortunately for famous people, everyone in the world knows about it. That said, I’m obsessed, too. Let me know what you hear.
KAREN: I think you’re okay, but if you happen to see the ex on the street, don’t scream “Aren’t you excited as I am about this romance?”
Dear Ruthless,
I found a hundred dollar bill on the street. Is it unethical for me to pocket it?
Signed,
Guilty Mind
Dear Guilty,
KAREN: I understand your quandary and in order to ease your mind, I suggest that you mail it to Karen and Cindy, c/o West Side Rag.
CINDY: Take a moment to stand where you found it, in case someone runs back and starts looking around frantically. If no one appears, pocket that baby.
Dear Ruthless,
I have a pushy decorator friend who volunteered suggestions on how I should decorate my apartment. We moved my furniture around until it suited her. Not long after, I moved it all back. Now she is coming over, and I’m worried she’ll be insulted. How can I explain it?
Signed,
Not Martha Stewart
Dear Not Martha,
KAREN: As I often suggest when there are no easy solutions to a problem, blame it on allergies. Or you could let your friend experience the disappointment we all feel when someone doesn’t like our ideas. That’s life.
CINDY: Tell her your blind mother had memorized where all your furniture was.
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These two really are pretty funny. Nice addition to the Rag.
Love it!! I keep hoping I’ll overhear you guys talking in a local UWS cafe.
You can always see us talking to each at our monthly comedy show, The Ruthless Comedy Hour. We might even talk to you!
Jenny! No need to hope you’ll overhear them in a cafe on the UWS!!! Come see them this coming Tuesday, 2/25 at 7:30pm at New York Comedy Club 236 W 78th St. Big guests this month!: John Fugelsang and Janeane Garofalo.
Love the ” ruthless advice” columns!
Enjoyed reading this. Thank you.
Lol, brilliant as ever. I especially love the blind mother excuse. Very Larry David.
What I want to know is: What did you do with Ruth? I remember when this column was called Ruthful Advice.
Re: found money.
It you don’t need it. Donate it to your favorite charity or put it in the loose change coffee cup of your neighborhood guy. If you need it, buy a few dozen eggs. They keep for a couple of months?
I’ve found wallets (when wallets were phones)and called the grateful owners (got a reward once). The largest bill I’ve picked up is a $20 in a busy cafe downtown and thought about asking if anyone dropped it 😕 Then I thought about the joke we told as kids- Did anyone lose a bundle of money rolled up in a rubber band? Someone will say yes, I lost it. Then you say, “I found your rubber band”.
I’ve not come across any bags of money falling out of moving vehicles, though I’ve heard of people returning those. Not sure what I would do if it’s unclear who it belongs to.
I found a wallet last week and returned it with all money in tact and was offered a reward!
Your column is a nice little mid-week pick-me-up! 🙂
Even at my hungriest, I’ve never consumed an MTA bus!
LOVE this column! Keep ’em coming, please!
Hey Not Martha, What is wrong with you??? The second your “friend” wanted to move your furniture, instead of helping her, you should have helped her to the door!!! That is not a friend, that is a self-important idiot. You can find much better people to have friendships with!
The advice for the person who found a $100 bill is certainly ruthless but also unfortunately illegal, and can theoretically result in up to a six month prison sentence. For amounts of found property worth more than $20, the proper procedure is to deposit it with the police department, which will give you a receipt for it. Depending on the property’s value, if no one claims it you can be considered the legitimate owner between three months and three years later.
after the NYPD has already spent it, of course…. 😉
So, I’ve never actually found a $100 bill, but if I do, I will follow these wise instructions. No criming for us!
If you find money in the street without being able to identify the owner, you are technically required to bring it to a police station. After about 7 months you can reclaim the money. at 1 PP.
We found some in a cab, turned it in since it was a considerable amount and the driver denied owning it. We were able to reclaim the full amount easily.
This column is a delicious breath of good-natured nastiness. Keep it up.
We have never felt more seen. Thank you!
The world would be a better place if everyone just listened to Karen and Cindy.