By Liza Cooper
As a love and dating coach serving singles across the country, I was surprised to learn that in our own Upper West Side neighborhood, with a population nearing 227,000, about 53 percent of residents, roughly 120,000 people, identify as single, divorced, or widowed, compared to about 47 percent, roughly 107,000 people, who identify as married, according to data provided by the 2022 Census Reporter.
Who are these singles and couples and how are they doing? I wondered. So, over the past week, I asked Upper West Siders I knew casually, as well as strangers in Riverside Park and in front of Westside Market on 97th and Broadway, about their dating and love lives, and their enduring relationships.
While some passersby quickened their pace when they saw my giant sign that read “Talk to me about…love, dating, relationships” many were eager to speak to a dating coach about their struggles seeking romance, as well as their issues within long-term relationships. They also talked movingly about the joy that comes with good partnerships.
Here’s a sampling of what I heard from the Upper West Siders I spoke with. Some names have been changed to protect privacy
Alessandra, Single, Age 34
The dating process until meeting my boyfriend was basically a tragedy. Forget sparks, there wouldn’t even be a click around conversation with the guys I would meet. I never tried dating apps, because that seems like the last frontier and just another job. My partner and I met watching the sunset near the 72nd Street boathouse. It started off as a friendship and we would meet for coffee, a drink, or to play pool in the neighborhood. It was obvious from early on that he was different and special, and I felt comfortable with him right away.
Alan, Single, Age 55
Dating can be fun, but it can also be a chore. It’s like a conveyor belt – another date, another dinner. I’m looking for someone who gets me, who is curious about their inner and outer worlds, where we laugh, and I look forward to spending time with them. It’s hard to find! Since I work from home, I don’t have a lot of time to randomly meet people, so swiping on dating apps is all I’ve got – the fast food of relationships. If I lived in a small town, there might be only a few options, but in NYC there are so many choices that you think there could be someone else who is better.
Leora, Married, Age 48
We met at synagogue. He was cute, but his sense of humor was the big draw. Laughter and hard work have gotten us through more than twenty years, including some very challenging times. Both of us came into marriage skeptical – my parents divorced early, and my husband’s parents had a great deal of discord. Conflict is part of relationships, but we work hard to repair when we fight, by owning our bad behavior and honoring the other person’s soft spots and traumatic experiences of marital conflict. We’ve come so far in our time together.
Ella, Single, Age 45
It’s likely one day that I will want to date again, but after a complicated divorce and now raising an 8-year-old, romance is not something I think much about. Right now, I am in control of how things go and I don’t need to check in with another person about any decisions. Also, I’ve discovered that I hated breaking up with people – because I didn’t want to hurt them – so I stayed in unhappy relationships for a very long time, instead. Fortunately, I have a group of single friends who happen to all be amazing. That is not the worst club to be a member of.
Marck and Diana, Age 18
Diana: This is our second time hanging out. We talk and text a lot though. Today we spent the day in Central Park in a cute little spot eating frozen yogurt and just talking, because we have so much in common, like watching the show Dexter. I like him [Marck] a lot.
Marck: I slid into her DMs on Instagram because she was going to the gym and so was I. It sparked a conversation. We have those little things that connect us that others might think are insignificant. I like her a lot too, but we are just enjoying each other’s company, and seeing where things go naturally.
Andy, Married, Age 42
Eleven years ago, I met a man on match.com. He visited my West 87th Street apartment early on and never left. To be honest, I knew within minutes of meeting him that I wanted to marry him; I proposed under the Eiffel Tower. Lee was the opposite of everyone I had met before, and in some ways the opposite of me. I have big feelings; he is grounded. I can be grumpy; he is always cheerful. We both have loving families, though. Although we left the Upper West Side recently, we miss it dearly, and can’t wait to go to Metro Theater when it reopens. Today we are best friends and partners with a lot of gray hair.
Maddie, Widowed, Age 89
I had two wonderful marriages. After the passing of my first husband, a friend pointed a man out to me at church and said, “That will be your second husband.” He was, and absolutely adored me and my children. I have fifteen grandchildren, and I tell them that the best relationships are when each partner believes they are the one giving 70 percent. When my husband would say something insensitive, I would respond, “I think you meant to say…” He would tell me that I was editing him, and then we would burst out laughing! My best advice for relationships is to always spoil someone you love, because it’s wonderful to be spoiled. No more romance for me though…I’m 89!
Kara, Single, Age 58
I always thought that if I put my mind to something, worked hard at it, had a positive attitude, that I would see the outcomes I hoped for. But I have done all of that in dating and still haven’t met someone. I have tried every dating app, sat with my laptop in cafes, met with matchmakers. But the thing that boggles my mind the most is that I have many extraordinary friends who care deeply about me, and none of them know anyone great and available to introduce me to. How is that possible? I’m financially independent, warm, open; I have stopped trying to find love, but I’ll never give up hope.
Barbara, Married, Age, 57
At a singles square dancing event on West 100th Street, I met a man who told me, “The Having Kids Ship has passed me by.” Since I was in the process of adopting a little girl from Russia, I knew I was going to pass this guy by, too. But then he asked for my number. For me, he had a lot of red flags – in his 50s and never married, no interest in kids, and lived for 30 years in a studio apartment a block from his parents. But throughout and since the adoption of my daughter, I saw that he was meant to be a father. Things are not always easy, but I was accustomed to partners who didn’t prioritize me. He’s the opposite, and he is also very funny. Where I once saw all red flags, now I see all green.
Udochi and Natalie, Single, Ages 23
Udochi: Last summer, I had a brief romance, and it was the best time of my life. I have never experienced that before. He was quiet, gentlemanly, put me first, and let me shine. I felt seen and loved, but he had to go back to his country and I sabotaged it saying it will never work. We stayed in touch over the past year, though. He’s coming back soon for a few months, and I’m hoping we can continue where we left off.
Natalie: I am disgustingly single and haven’t dated since high school. There hasn’t been anyone I’ve wanted to go out with, and I always download and then delete all the dating apps. It’s hard for me to make space for someone, because I like being alone and I’m used to it. I’m shy, and Udochi is an extrovert, so we make great best friends.
Liza Cooper is a Love & Dating Coach. Her winning Moth story about finding love after divorce went viral on social media earlier this year, while an article about her amicable marital split was featured in The New York Times in April.
If you have questions for Liza or thoughts to share, put them in the comments.
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You are not perfect. Expect nothing, accept everything. You will be happier, less confused, and with someone appropriate shortly.
Lovely advice. Certainly none of us are perfect. Sounds like you have some important life wisdom to share!
Sounds like there should be UWS events welcome to all singles who are interested in meeting others! Or possibly simply meeting event designations to do the same — such as a particular block of a street fair!
I hope to start singles events in the neighborhood and absolutely agree that this is so needed in our hood and by so many singles in the community. The WSR would be a great place to notify folks of these events.
The big problem on the UWS is that a lot of the Jewish singles only prefer other Jews. Hard if you are a non Jew trying to meet people, see someone attractive who is Jewish then being rejected over that.
This is not a “problem” of any size. My parents actually walked toward one another because each thought the other was of their own ethnic/religious background; their love for each other transcended, and enriched, their individual identities; they’ve been together for decades. Two friends converted to Judaism because they fell in love with someone, and then the religious teachings that helped to make them the incredible human beings they are. And if a certain kind of love doesn’t come from meeting someone new, maybe friendship will.
No one likes to be rejected for any reason. But everyone is different in whom they are seeking – for some, religion is important, but for others it doesn’t matter. Keep looking!
I also got rejected by an Armenian because I was Turkish right here on the UWS. I said nothing about the events in 1915 or what happened in Nagorno Karabakh, yet was told that it is taboo for them to talk to me.
The more science proves the biological impact of trauma is passed down through generations, including trauma suffered by Armenians during the Armenian Genocide, if a descendant knew herself well enough to know she could not transcend that historical fact to bond with you, and while the rejection must have felt personal, I hope you found some comfort in hearing from her directly that it ultimately wasn’t, that it was “taboo” instead, due to unresolved historical and biological pain.
The Jews do not do this with Muslims or Christians even though Jews had horrible stuff done to them. The Greeks do not even do this to the Turks. But the Armenians, many of them automatically have a hatred of Turkish people despite them being nice people or born in the United States and have nothing to do with the history. I have seen this repeatedly.
This was great! Please write more!
Thank you for your kind comment! I certainly hope to!
Where do the single/widowed/divorced West Siders in 70’s and 80s meet? We are people in need of converstion and fun too!
What a wonderful statement, and so important. Many people want romantic companionship at any age. I hope to organize and host these types of events soon.
The Wechsler Center for Modern Aging at the JCC (76th & Amsterdam) sponsors quite a few social events, discussion groups, classes, etc. for older adults. Not dating programs per se, but you’re likely to meet people with similar interests. And no, you don’t have to be Jewish.
So great to read of others’ experiences. We can all learn so much from each other. Can’t wait to read more in your next piece!
Thank you for your lovely comment! It is powerful to hear about the struggles and joys of dating and love from different perspectives. I found it enlightening as I spoke with various people.
As a wannabe New Yorker, I read the NYT Modern Love column religiously. Now, I will add Liza’s column into my routine. Seeking genuine love, in whatever form, is such a vulnerable and human pursuit. We all have so much to learn from one another about it.
Thank you for your kind comment. Maybe some day you will indeed become a New Yorker!
I use Hinge to meet people on the UWS and met so many people that I would never have come across otherwise. I have made neighborhood friends on there and I am grateful for that. Although if you are a guy it is hard to find a meaningful connection on there if you are a guy who does not work in finance and earn $200,000 a year.
The bitterness of the last sentence is very offputting. If you look around the city, you’ll find that women date men of all economic stratas.
That is not true. Especially among Manhattan women and women who live in gentrified Brooklyn. There may be more women than men, but the women want the top 20% of men and will do anything for that, even accepting a situationship hoping it becomes more when it does not. You would be surprised at the amount of women that do not look kindly upon men who are not successful enough for them, are neurodiverse, plus a ton of other factors.
With inflation I would raise that to $270,000/year for 2024
It’s a great app, and so glad you have found it so meaningful!
Although most Hinge users are dying to find Mr. or Ms. Right on there. They put too much pressure that does not need to exist. There are plenty of friends to be made and career connections to be had that Bumble BFF is not good at providing, especially if you are a guy.
Such an enjoyable read! I am looking forward to the next article. 😊
Thank you for your kind comment!
Dear UWS Hinge User:
True! I am an UWS female 64 year-old (yes, really) self-supporting atheist. My clients make big bucks but my dates don’t have to.
Prefer diners to “fine dining”.
All artists/carpenters/ writers/ teachers/ techies/ health workers, and folks of faith welcome!
Do we have a match for this catch? Love if this comments section turns into an area where people fall in love.
How many WSR commenters are on the dating apps?
Interesting. Reminds me of the scene in Annie Hall where “Alvie Singer” (Woody Allen character) interviews couples on the street as h passes them. So many different stories..
This is a wonderful snapshot of love on the UPW. I’ve been classified in many ways in my years as an UWS. Single, partnered, married, in a relationship, just dating… so nice to hear from others who share that experience whether in love or looking for love.
Sounds like you have experienced a great deal and have wisdom to share. It’s a great point that at different points in our lives, we may experience being single or being coupled, and derive immense knowledge from each. Thank you for your lovely comment.
Funny, that one person who thought a single man living near his elderly parents was a red flag. I think it speaks highly of someone to look out for his elderly parents — as long as he lives independently and doesn’t depend on them financially. But aging is very hard and elderly need assistance. I broke my ankle this year and if it wasn’t for my close friends running chores for me, including helping me shower, I would have been in terrible shape. There is only so much I can ask doormen to do!
Single folks living with their parents should not be a dealbreaker. If it was more socially acceptable to live with one’s parents into adulthood and not live on your own or with roommates as a young person in the “correct” neighborhoods, housing costs on the UWS would be much lower. The COVID rental market proved that as so many left the city to move back with their parents or other family members and prices dropped like a rock. Otherwise if you keep these social expectations on younger people, the UWS is going to need to have a heart to heart conversation regarding historic district landmarking as there is not a hope in hell that there is enough housing for everyone who wants to live on the UWS or any other “correct” neighborhood for younger people.
This was great. I like the happy ones.
Funny how the “oh they’re X years old and have never been married” criticism comes from people who have failed at marriage. I could just as easily call that a much bigger red flag then choosing to stay single instead of marrying the wrong person.
Thank you so much for writing this! As a single, straight woman in her mid-30s in a neighborhood full of coupled people and families with children, I often feel like I am all alone. Like one of the interviewees said, I always wonder why none of my friends has found any of their single male friends suitable for me. I have tried dating apps, meet-ups and speed dating, but never found the experiences to be meaningful. I am still hoping to have a family one day, but I don’t want to rush into something that is only going to bring more headaches and heartaches.
This struggle is very real, and I so appreciate your honest and vulnerable post. Knowing you are not alone is key, but also finding ways to just do what you love, to travel solo, to find new hobbies and interests and develop them – find the things and the people that bring you joy.
While dating apps, dating events, and friends can lead you to love, it will be you ultimately who will find it when you are least lookin… but when you know what it means to enjoy life on your own. I assure you someone – likely multiple people – are searching for you already.
Many people on the UWS end up dating in other neighborhoods. The biggest problem with people in their 20s and 30s is that they have some of the most shallow deal breakers when it comes to dating, such as what neighborhood one lives in, whether they have to take a subway or bus or transfer to get to the other person’s area, whether they live with roommates, alone or with family, whether they have the right job and the right salary.
On another note, Sara Lind is a reflection of many young UWSers wants and desires.
I always guide my clients that if they can be flexible in these three areas: 1. Geographical distance 2. Age and 3. Your exact physical type…you open the doors to the most amazing partners.
You have many in Manhattan that will be flexible on race, but they will not be flexible on age. Many women insist on dating men older than them and do not want someone younger than them, even if the guy that is younger than them is mature for their age or an old soul. There are women in their late 30s that would rather date some guy in their 50s who is divorced or someone like Andrew Cuomo who has access to power and who was divorced than someone in their early 30s that is working hard and authentic.
There are plenty of beautiful women on the UWS, but they do not want me because I am not educated enough for them as a bus driver!
Kindness, support, respect….how a person makes you feel – as a dating coach, these are the qualities that matter most. While some might prioritize what you do and how far you went in school; others will find other qualities that matter most. Keep looking!
To M86 bus driver:
Appreciate all the crosstown buses and bus drivers!
But IMO the M66 riders are the most interesting and varied – hospital staff, Hunter College, zoo, Lincoln Center etc.
Maybe WSR could do an article about meeting people on the bus?
At minimum would be great PR for MTA buses and bus drivers.
Thank you for the shout out to the hard-working bus drivers across NYC!
Wonderful little snippets from people of all ages! I met a boyfriend in Central Park when I was studying for my comps in graduate school. Lying on a blanket in front of Turtle Pond. I was so absorbed that I didn’t notice him on a blanket near me until he said “Hey”. Well, we were together for a few years, and I went with him to visit his hometown in Szentesh Hungary.
Wonderful hopeful story of romance in NYC!
This was fun to read❤️