By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Cindy here. On behalf of the whole Ruthless advice team, I’d like to thank you, our wonderful Ruthless community, for your very kind words of support for Karen (and for me) in the comment section of our last column. I am no less grateful for your excellent snack suggestions, as snacks are very important to us. We hope to be taste-testing all of them in the coming months. One of my personal snack favorites hails from when I was a young child home with strep throat or the flu. My mother would make me Ritz Cracker and butter sandwiches. That’s butter between two things that are mostly butter. Delicious! Nowadays, I love a good potato chip. I’m especially fond of Trader Joe’s Ridged Chips. When they open me up after I die to take out the organs I hope to donate (is this too morbid?) I’m thinking that’s all they’ll find. Potato chips. Anyhoo, I love you and thank you all. You are, as Karen says, the best.
Dear Ruthless,
Let me set the scene: my friend and I, both widows in our eighties, were walking down Columbus Avenue one summer afternoon when we ran into a gentleman acquaintance of my friend’s. He was our age, nice looking, and well turned out in a dapper linen suit. As we shook hands he leaned towards me slightly and said in a quiet voice, “I’m taken.” I’m taken? Had anyone asked? I certainly hadn’t. I was shocked into silence at the time, but now I wish I had answered. I’d love to hear suggestions for an appropriate retort.
Signed,
Definitely Not Looking
Dear Definitely,
CINDY: Omg, men.
OTIS: Srsly.
CINDY: How about: “WHAT?” (All caps mean I want you to yell.) “WHAT? YOU’RE TAKEN? WHAT? NOOOOO!”
OTIS: And then you fall into a dead faint. I’ve seen friends of mine do this on the Tonight Show, and it’s hilarious. Just try not to break a hip.
CINDY: Or this: “But I’ve already picked out our china pattern!”
OTIS: More like: “I’ve already bought our side by side plots.”
CINDY: Or: “It’s okay, I still drive.”
OTIS: I don’t get that one.
CINDY: Old women mostly only need old men at that time in their lives if the men still drive.
Dear Ruthless,
We were around the holiday dinner table at my grandmother’s apartment and she made a pretty mild comment about a current political situation. My father, her son-in-law, who is usually pretty placid at these events, though not without snark, lost his mind. He screamed at my very old grandmother and probably terrified her. I know he has strong feelings about this particularly political situation, but he was so out of line. I haven’t spoken to him in months. My mother is really upset with me. Why is it my fault?
Signed,
Silent Son
Dear Silent,
OTIS: May I suggest a shock collar?
CINDY: I’m wondering if your father has apologized to his mother-in-law? If not, that’s where I’d start, and let you mother know that’s your first line in the sand. After that, the rest of the family deserves an apology. We do not have to put up with unkindness or incivility from either strangers OR family. As to your mother, I have a thing about people getting mad at someone because that someone is justifiably mad at someone else. If you understood that, you are my people.
Dear Ruthless,
Now that people are staring at their phones all the time, they often don’t seem to notice when an old or pregnant person, or a person with a disability gets on the train. As a very pregnant person myself, and shy, I’d like to know how to ask for a seat without sounding like a whiner.
Signed,
Pregnant Non-whiner
Dear Pregnant,
OTIS: When I want or need to sit, I just do it. I don’t care who is already there. I think this should be your strategy. Just start sitting on someone’s lap. Chances are they’ll get up. If they object, say, “I’m sorry, I’m so pregnant I didn’t see you sitting there.”
CINDY: This happened recently when I was on the subway with my mother. No one offered her a seat. No one even looked up at her. She’s pretty sturdy but was still dismayed by the lack of situational awareness. Either fake/accidentally kick or bump someone and hope they tear their eyes away from the screen, although I feel like we just don’t have that kind of time anymore. Otis has the right idea. Almost. Be direct, but try using your words first, and it doesn’t need to sound whiny. “Hi, I’m elderly/pregnant/on crutches, so what are we thinking here?”
Dear Ruthless,
I’m part of a small artist’s group. We get together once a week to paint and talk about our work, and, after many years, our lives. Last week, one of our members was coughing. A lot. Deep, bronchial, phlegmy hacks. We remarked on it, but she insisted it was dust from a cleaning house session or allergies or the end of something. Now she writes to us all, apologetically, I’ll add, that she is sick. Still, shouldn’t she have been smarter about that? Or should we have cancelled the session when she coughed her first cough, even though she demurred?
Signed,
Art Plague
Dear Art,
CINDY: I honestly think this error in judgment can be chalked up to wishful thinking. Who wants to cancel something they enjoy when they aren’t convinced they are sick? (As opposed to getting sick and canceling something you don’t want to do, ie, me, Thanksgiving 2022, the Poconos with the husband’s extended family. Thank you, Covid!) Your friend might have assumed, given how our world has changed since 2020, that a hacking, phlegmy cough is not the best look. On the other hand, you could have masked up or left. No one is forcing you to make art in a tuberculosis sanitorium.
OTIS: As someone who is constantly being pulled away from drinking puddles full of giardia or some other horror, I am grateful that I can count on my community to keep me safe. I certainly can’t do it myself. Who can? Also, I don’t know what the word demurred means, but I’ll say this. If it coughs like a duck, it’s a duck.
Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan are the co-creators of The Ruthless Comedy Hour, a comedy variety show for grownups with brains. In its 12th year, it features top stand-up comedians musicians and celebrity interviews, and addresses social, political, and local concerns by making brutal fun of them. Bergreen is a veteran stand-up comedian and author of two acclaimed novels. Kaplan tours extensively with her comedy rock band, The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal, and is the author of two just as acclaimed collections of humorous essays.
Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Ruthless at info@westsiderag.com.
Read all Ruthless Advice columns here.
You are both such a joy. Again, much love & best wishes to Karen.
Such sage and hilarious wisdom!!! But where’s Otis’ bio? 😉
What a treat to read something that makes you laugh out loud. In my book, you guys are right up there with healthy eating and tai chi.
The rudeness of people not giving up a seat on buses or trains for people in need, i.e. pregnant, elderly, infirm, is nothing new. Decades ago pre-smartphones, my elderly mother would visit me, on the UWS. Whenever we got on a bus that was full, I’d just stand in front of a young man or woman and say, “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind giving your seat to my mother.” Then, I’d just look at them directly without another word until they got up and gave the seat to my mother.
In this case, absolutely do not lead with a damned apology! For what!? for being pregnant?! Just say, “Excuse me, I really need to sit down. Would you mind…?” Say nothing more and just keep looking at them until they remember their manners and get up. If they don’t, say “your mother would be so ashamed of you right now.”
No offense but a lot of disabilities are hidden, and assuming the young man is in a better position to stand is making a lot of assumptions. If you’re going to be demanding about getting yourself or your travel partner a seat it would be much more polite to address an entire section of the bus “My mother is very tired would anyone mind giving up their seat for her please”. The passive aggressiveness/entitlement towards individuals needs to stop. The seating guidance is called a courtesy, not a law and no one is owed a seat.
I also do believe that if you are not prepared for the change you’ll have to stand you should not be using public transport but I digress. Both trains and buses are very crowded these days and can’t guarantee seating for anyone.
Should not be using public transportation?
You do know taxis, etc cost a fortune and not everyone is well off, right?
I vote we bring back public service signs about letting older/pregnant/physically challenged people sit down. I don’t expect it to fix the problem, but it’s a start.
And also – parents: what in the world are you teaching your kids that they feel no guilt sitting while older people stand (sometimes with clear difficulty) in front of them?
The worst I’ve ever seen this demonstrated was on the M train to Queens. Long lines of teenagers sitting comfortably, starring at their phones, while people three and four times their age stood wearily in front of them.
At their age I’d have been really ashamed to keep my seat in that situation.
I agree completely. I was undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer and had to still ride the subway. I felt so miserable so often but looked relatively fine. I was relieved when I got a seat and I admit I pretended a few times like I didn’t notice people who would have appreciated my seat. Now I’m fine and I readily give up my seat.
Re. definitely Not Looking as a man in my eighties I think it is possible that the man uttering “I’m taken” could quite possibly have meant it as a compliment, meaning that he was totally attracted to Definitely Not Looking.
My reply (loudly) to the elderly ego guy:
“You’ve taken what, Viagra?”
I’m guilty of that. I was looking at my phone on the train while a pregnant woman stood in front of me for probably three stops without me noticing. Finally someone else gave her a seat and I felt bad.
Potato chips are a food group. A good food group. Amen.
As for the “I’m taken” dude, I think perhaps a compassionately horrified face accompanied by “Tsk, the poor gal”? (because, really, he ain’t such a groisse-metzieh if that’s how he introduces himself)
At Trader Joe’s potato chips are an entire department. They probably take up more space than any other thing in the store
The usual great advice and/or commentary. Thanks so much and we also ate Ritz Cracker butter sandwiches which likely contributed to a lifelong cholesterol issue, but it was worth it.
The I’m taken guy probably was just being funny, just like saying, yes, it’s me, please don’t get up. I would say something like that going into a small neighborhood bar.
I automatically get up for old folks when there are no seats around. Then I look around a bit at the other perfectly healthy young guys happily seated and wonder if I’m the sucker. I blame my mother for instilling these inconvenient, empathetic values.
I’d have said to the “gentleman?’ Thank goodness!
When I need a seat on the train, I stare at the 5 people one their phones where I am standing and say “I need to sit down.” Someone instantly pops up and seems glad to have been asked. Too old for this stuff!
So quick to judge. Maybe the octogenarian man meant “I’m taken by you.”
I think that is. what he meant, he was taken by you.
God, I love Otis. Is he ever interested in boarding with me and my cat? [the other Emma]
My cousin was weakened by chemotherapy when we boarded a crowded subway. She looked directly at a young man and said, “I have cancer. May I please have your seat?” He got up like he was shot out of a cannon. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
It’s good to know he got up, but not everyone wants to announce every ride that they’re old/ill/pregnant. It can be embarrassing drawing attention to yourself like that, especially if you’re not feeling well. Why should people who clearly need and deserve seats (I don’t mean people with invisible disabilities) have to ask?
That said, some people do get it.
A man with a cane stood in front of me starring at me and I asked him if he needed to sit down. He did. But then some young women in their teens or 20s saw that I was older and really tired, and they asked me if I needed to sit down, which I did. And we laughed at the musical chairs game we’d played in an effort to be polite and kind to each other. NYC at its best.
I missed the snack talk, please reprint, always looking for healthy/non healthy snack suggestions! Recent diabetic so be gentle l with the sugar suggestions! …but Must taste good!
( ahhh do I miss the unhealthy snacks! Boo hoo )
I would have responded.. “Taken? Where have you been taken? To Bellevue? Poor you. Take care of yourself” And then walk away. Lol