Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

Editor’s note: This month, a guest columnist, Emmy-Award-winning comedian Judy Gold, is filling in for Karen Bergreen, who is on hiatus.

We love the Winter Olympics. It is an excellent excuse to watch TV in the daytime. Not that everyone needs an excuse, but some of us do have an internal No Daytime TV rule that can only be broken to go live to Special News Coverage, Congressional hearings, or, once every two years, to watch the Olympics. Who wants to miss live luging? Not us. Does an unwatched stone curl? Never. Do we think a biathlete is the only person who should have a gun? We do. Where else can you see an athlete interviewed just after winning a medal admit to the entire world he was unfaithful to his girlfriend? Nowhere, since Maury Povich retired. The Olympics give us faith in humanity no matter how boring the event. And speaking of humanity, let’s hear it for those stateside winter superstars: Minnesotans.

Dear Ruthless,

Someone in my building put out a basket of whistles in the entryway. I know we should take them and be ready to blow them. I want to protect my neighbors but the truth is I’m terrified to get involved in that way. Am I a terrible person if I don’t?

Signed,

Can’t Whistle

Dear Can’t,

JUDY: Have you ever thought about a career as a referee? What about as a crossing guard? Just kidding. Fear is a very tricky thing. If you’re too afraid to blow a whistle, then find something else to do that you’re comfortable with. You’re not a terrible person. You’re human. Protect your neighbors in the way that feels most comfortable to you.

CINDY: If there was ever a time to put on your big person pants, this is it. That could mean something different to everyone. You might wear capris or, God forbid, barrel shaped jeans. If you can’t be a frontline resistor, there are other things you can do. Donate money to food banks in affected cities, knit red antifascist hats, call your representatives and tell them to abolish ICE. There’s a job for everyone and someone for every job. I just made that up and I think it’s good.

Dear Ruthless,

I had a horrible date with a guy on a dating app and I just ran into him at a restaurant in my neighborhood … with my neighbor! I thought this guy was a real jerk. Do I say something to her?

Signed,

Liz (not my name) on Hinge

Dear Liz,

JUDY: OMG! This is so rich! Ask your neighbor to have coffee and then inquire about her love life. Spill to her that you went on a date with the same guy you saw her dining with at your neighborhood restaurant. Tell her you want to compare notes and make sure I am sitting at the next table. Looking forward!!

CINDY: It’s entirely possible he was a jerk only to you. Next time you run into your neighbor, say you saw her at the restaurant on what looked like a date and ask how it was. Some people’s jerks are other people’s just rights.

Dear Ruthless,

I love the super in our building–he’s very responsive when I have an issue inside the apartment. The problem is I have some issues OUTSIDE the apartment, i.e. hallways, garbage cans, laundry room etc, which he says are up to the management company. I’m afraid to complain because if they think I’m a troublemaker they might refuse to renew my lease. What should I do?

Signed,

Renter’s Dilemma

Dear Dilemma,

CINDY: A responsive super is a gift from the gods, particularly Hammarskjold, the Norse god of hammers. Try polling your neighbors to see if they have the same concerns. Perhaps a group letter to the management company would take the onus off of you. Do any of your issues present a danger? I once told an elderly aunt that if she didn’t fix the deck railing at her summer house one of her gin-and-tonic wielding pals would lean on it and go right down and then sue the pants off her. That did the trick.

JUDY: I love this question for many reasons! I have been living in the same rent stabilized apartment since 1989. It’s the thing in my life that’s stable–besides my pet horse! Get it? Stable? I digress. I love my super, too. He’s part of the family. Now, lucky for you, my partner is a landlord, so I was able to obtain professional advice. It is, in fact, the super’s job to take care of building issues. And the management company likes to get feedback, since they want to make sure the building is running properly. As for your concern about your lease, if you are paying your rent, then they can’t just kick you out. I mean, you live on the UWS, I’m sure you’re not even CLOSE to being a nuisance. Also, nice Xmas tips buy some goodwill.

Dear Ruthless,

I’m very close with my cousin. We grew up together and are like sisters. She just got married and the guy is very nice, but I’ve noticed that he walks all over her and she lets him. He has her running around like a crazy person acquiescing to his demands. It’s not like she doesn’t notice–she complains to me all the time. How do I help her without making her feel worse?

Signed,

Concerned Cousin

Dear Concerned,

CINDY: My father used to say things to my mother like, “Sandy, is there any more butter?” If a thing didn’t present itself before him, he liked to question its very existence, and only my mother could reassure him by jumping up from whatever she was doing and producing the thing. Once my husband stood in front of me in our apartment while I nursed our baby and asked, “Do we need more diapers?” I thought about divorcing him but instead said, “Why don’t you look in the diaper drawer?” If she doesn’t stop it now, she’s cooked.

JUDY: Concerned, my friend, this is a tough one. It’s so hard to get in the middle of relationships. As a lesbian, I have many friends who are married to other women. And I mean DRAMA! When they complain about their spouses, my rule is to validate their experience with an “Oh, that’s awful,” or “That sounds so annoying,” and then ask if they want my advice. Often, I want to excoriate their partner’s behavior, but I also know they are going to make up in two days. So, I say you need to buckle your seatbelt for this bumpy ride and give your cousin lots of hugs.

Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan are the co-creators of The Ruthless Comedy Hour, a comedy variety show for grownups with brains. In its 11th year, it features top stand-up comedians (including this month’s guest columnist Judy Gold), musicians and celebrity interviews, and addresses social, political and local concerns by making brutal fun of them. Bergreen is a veteran stand-up comedian and author of two acclaimed novels. Kaplan tours extensively with her comedy rock band, The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal, and is the author of two just as acclaimed collections of humorous essays.

Judy Gold has had stand-up specials on HBO, Comedy Central, LOGO and Netflix. She is the author of Yes I Can Say That, When They Come For The Comedians We’re All In Trouble, a critically acclaimed book on free speech and cancel-culture. Judy has written and starred in three hit Off-Broadway one person shows, and has scores of TV, film and theater credits that span decades. Look for her in the upcoming Hulu series, Not Suitable For Work, or at a comedy club in your neighborhood. She is honored and humbled to be filling in for Karen this month.

Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Ruthless at info@westsiderag.com.

Read all Ruthless Advice columns here.

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