Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

For those of you who are wondering if you can annex the one bedroom next door despite the fact that someone lives in it and it is not for sale, our answer is no.  If you live in a brownstone and have a backyard and are thinking of doubling it by acquiring your neighbors’ backyard without their permission, you can’t do that either. If you attempt to conquer any co-op, condo, or single-family building territory without the express permission of the current occupants, the Ruthless Advisors will send troops, i.e. themselves, to protect the property. In case you weren’t aware, we are members in good standing of NATO.

Dear Ruthless,

My mother has sold her apartment, and we kids have been laying claim to various items. My brother took the silver. Which is fine. But if something happens to my brother, the silver will go to his girlfriend, who is TERRIBLE to my mother. She would never want my brother’s girlfriend to have it. Is there anything we can do, besides speaking to my brother, who won’t discuss it?

Signed,

Forked Over

Dear Forked, 

KAREN: Legally speaking, once your mother gave the silver to your brother, it became his. If he has a will and names her, she gets the silver. Yes, this outcome violates your mother’s spirit and basic human decency. Unfortunately, the law does not recognize “she was awful to my mom” as a disqualifying factor. Your only leverage would have been before the silver changed hands, via conditions, trusts, or explicit instructions. You can still try to talk to your brother, framing it not as control, but as honoring your mother’s wishes. But if he won’t engage, the law will pass the girlfriend the soup ladle.

CINDY: It seems as though you didn’t mind giving it up during the divvying of your mother’s things. I’d let it go and chalk it up to lessons learned re: estate planning. You don’t get to tell people what to do with their possessions after they possess them. Caring now may well bring a rift between you and your brother, which your mother would probably hate more than the GF getting the silver.

Dear Ruthless,

We just moved to New York City for my job from a small, homogeneous town in the Midwest. What’s important about that information is that my husband grew up there not knowing any gay people and perhaps as a result is pretty homophobic. I love my husband. He is a good, kind, and generous person. We’ve been invited to dinner by my boss. And his husband. I’m terrified of the coming event. How do I speak to my husband about it?

Signed,

Mortified

Dear Mortified, 

KAREN: Moving to New York comes with many adjustments: noise, crowds, a $7 cup of coffee, and tolerance. None of these are optional. You don’t need to stage a seminar or gently introduce the concept of gay people. Just be direct, calm, and very clear. Tell him exactly who will be at the dinner.  Then say: “This is my boss and his husband. This dinner matters to my job. I expect you to be normal. If you don’t feel capable of that, I will go alone.” If he can’t do that one simple thing, you may have to go alone for longer than just dinner.

CINDY: Many of us have partners with traits or opinions we don’t agree with or admire. For example, my husband doesn’t like mint chocolate chip ice cream. If you knew your husband was a bigot when you married him, you must own that. Frankly, I’m a little disturbed that it only bothers you now that your move to NYC has made it more overtly offensive. Also, there are gay people everywhere. They were probably hiding from him.

Dear Ruthless,

My friend has gotten a pet rat, whom she loves and whom she really sees as an emotional support animal. This is a friend who has been very good to me–there for me at every turn.  I have a terrible phobia of rats but would hate to stop going to her apartment or let her think that I don’t accept her rat or don’t take her need for an emotional support animal seriously.

Signed,

Dog person

Dear Dog,

CINDY:  I think of rats as small, smart dogs. Definitely smarter than a lot of those tiny dogs who wear barrettes, or other domesticated rodents. Have I told the story here of the time there was a flash flood in the city after a torrential rain and a rat found his way onto the seat of our third floor toilet? You know what he did when he saw me? He dove back in and swam away. See what I’m saying? Smart. Frankly, I don’t see a guinea pig or hamster pulling that off.

KAREN:  Just reading your question made me anxious.  You have a phobia. Not a preference.  And my guess is your pal is going to try to paint her rat as somehow different from those monsters we see in the subway every day.  She sounds like a good friend–except for the rat part. I would tell her about your phobia and maybe she could put the rat in a different room when you visit. But as Cindy writes, they are very smart, and it will probably find you.

Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Karen and Cindy at info@westsiderag.com.

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