By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
And so, a new year dawns. You know what? Let it. Let that new year dawn without your promise to lose weight or go to the gym or drink less. You just sit back and catch your breath. And when you feel ready, maybe next week or the week after, perhaps you might take a suggestion from your Ruthless advisors to do this one thing every day, maybe even multiple times. It isn’t hard and it doesn’t involve food or Spandex, although would it kill you to lift a weight? Anyway, here it is: Be kind. Do or say something kind whenever possible, even to people you don’t know or even don’t like. We’re not saying fully divest yourself of rancor. But kindness is the easiest type of connection to make in our increasingly disconnected, rancorous world. And be kind to yourself, too. You deserve it. One way to do this is to eat candy.
Dear Ruthless,
Is there a polite way to tell my friend I can’t deal with her therapy “journey” anymore.
Signed,
Respectfully, Stop
Dear Respectfully,
KAREN: Therapy newbies are highly annoying. They discover a whole new vocabulary and immediately want to road test it on friends. Suddenly everything is “holding space,” “doing the work,” or “honoring where I’m at.” Your friend will soon realize that personal growth is supposed to happen quietly. For now, tell her, “I’m really glad therapy has been helpful for you. I’m realizing I don’t always have the bandwidth to go deep into it, but I care about you and want to stay connected.” And then immediately follow up with, “Also, my therapist has specifically told me to stay away from the word ‘journey.’”
CINDY: Tell your friend you are on your own journey and that you can only hold space for one journey at a time.
Dear Ruthless,
My New Year’s resolution is that I’m no longer turning on my Zoom camera. I’ve already had pushback from my Zoom book group and my college gang, who meet up once a month for a catch up. I’m just tired of thinking about how I look while I’m talking to people. Anyway, I’m done. What’s my question? I guess, is it rude?
Signed,
Available for Coffee
Dear Available,
CINDY: If I never hear the word Zoom again, it will be too soon. You should only be on Zoom or the equally abhorrent Google Teams for work that pays you a salary or if your friend is homebound or an agoraphobic. If you are unpaid, there is no earthly reason you should have to look at your own face or let anyone else look at it. That’s what’s nice about being home. My mother declared a moratorium on her Zoom camera, and when my mother does something, you can assume Miss Manners agrees.
KAREN: Zoom was perfect in a global pandemic. It’s also great when people don’t live in the same city or there’s a Category Five hurricane battering your zip code. But if the weather is decent and the plague is on hold, suggest an in-person alternative: coffee, a walk, dinner, a drink. If they decline, that’s their choice. You may never see them again because they are tethered to their screens. And, truthfully, anyone unwilling to leave the house when the conditions are ideal is meh, anyway.
Dear Ruthless,
My long-time neighbor is a shut-in. During the recent snowstorm, I offered to pick up some groceries for her. She invited me in to bring them into the kitchen and that’s when I realized that in the past year she has become a hoarder. Like, stuff to the ceiling. I didn’t know you could do it that fast. I’m worried both about her safety and about ours. Do I report her? Do I try to find her relatives?
Signed,
Worried Neighbor
Dear Worried,
KAREN: The key is finding someone who can help your neighbor. Tracking down the family sounds a little too British crime procedural for this one. 311 is a good place to start. Tell them you are calling about unsafe hoarding conditions in a residential unit so they don’t think you are tattling on an untidy neighbor. You might want to mention it to some of the responsible people in the building, as “stuff to the ceiling” sounds like a recipe for a fire. Also, someone may know a social worker who handles these kinds of cases.
CINDY: I love a British crime procedural. My suggestion would be to invite your neighbor to tea (PG Tips) and let her know that you are concerned about her safety. Ask about her family and friends and see if there is someone you can reach out to on her behalf before you call the coppers. Feel free to use a British accent.
Dear Ruthless,
A friend asked if there was anything we didn’t eat for a dinner party. We said we’re fine. But then he made a pork roast. Well, it didn’t occur to my husband to mention a pork roast by name. They are childhood friends. Shouldn’t our host have known he didn’t eat pork?
Signed,
Still Hungry
Dear Hungry,
CINDY: The fact is, sometimes people don’t think of you even while they are doing something nice for you, like having you for dinner. I could name a hundred gifts from my generous mother-in-law that fall into this category. Be grateful for good friends and eat an extra portion of salad or potatoes. And next time, say you don’t eat pork.
KAREN: I forget on a daily basis that my son is allergic to shellfish. Even if your pal witnessed you renouncing pork in a formal ceremony or took you to the hospital for a violent pork-related incident, you can’t expect him to remember this detail.
Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Karen and Cindy at info@westsiderag.com.
Read all Ruthless Advice columns here.
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Happy New Year to Ruthless and co. Yes to kindness. Yes to boundaries. Yes to strolling with friends and delineating zoom cameras to when they are necessary. Also, yes to taking responsibility for being clear about what we need or cannot tolerate (or eat), and to having as sane a year as possible. Amen.
In the interest of being kind, when you show up for a Zoom gathering, be prepared to “show up” on camera.
That black screen is rude!
People want to see each other. People want to see that you’re “present”, paying attention, and participating. If you can’t be bothered to comb your hair and put on some lipstick for a Zoom, why should anyone expect to you show up in person because you can’t be bothered to get dressed?
Do I really have to buy lipstick for Zoom calls now?! And where am I going to find hair to comb?!
You’re in luck, Peter!
Zoom has a feature that will put lipstick on you – you can choose any color😉.
Rude??
No need to comb hair or put on lipstick. I literally never comb my hair, and no longer add lipstick for zoom, which I now realize never even occurs to me anymore. Perhaps men should wear lipstick on zooms?
Black screen isn’t rude at all and is no different from a conference call. On the other hand, expecting a live feed of everyone’s face all the time is quite presumptuous, intrusive and borderline obnoxious. It’s also the sign of a micro-manager’s personality.
Well said. I totally agree. Demanding that you see someone is rude to my thinking.
I think telling family is far better than reporting to 311. 311 spends horrible.
I have set my Zoom to not show my image on my screen. That way I don’t have to look at myself. If the other participants don’t like how I look, that is their problem.
You’re worried about how you look on Zoom when you talk? Maybe you’re the one who should be in therapy.
Absolutely yes report the hoarder immediately. It’s a health hazard and fire hazard and it’s only going to get worse. Call adult protective services. Call the Fire Department, the Health Department whoever you have to.
Ruthless New Year Karen and Cynthia!!! Looking forward to your ongoing wiseacre wisdom in 2026.
RE: Zoom. I have a right to when I will or will not use my image publicly online.
So, I prefer NOT to go live when I’m using zoom (primarily for educational presentations I’ve signed up for where I am one of many other strangers). I either use a background or a photo of myself. TONS of folks use only a black screen and I, for one, have no problem with that. To me, it is actually thoughtful and NOT rude! Just my opinion.
I don’t use zoom for personal interaction. If I did, I would go live with family and friends. I find it completely distracting to see dozens of live people when I am attending a presentation. It is visually distracting. Thankfully zoom allows you to choose to only see the speaker, one person at a time.
Far worse than whether someone uses a blank screen or just their photo, is the way people don’t seem to understand the word MUTE. Multiple times in every session I’ve ever been in the host has had to stop and ask people, some of whom keep saying: I don’t know how to mute. Don’t know how? Then don’t join a zoom meeting! That is rude and discorteous.
RE: Your neighbor who you have deemed a hoarder.
You really want to help? DO NOT CALL 311 or any other organization. This could lead to problems you cannot imagine but that I have witnessed. Protective services and other “well meaning” entities have often put apartment dwellers in jeopardy of losing their apartments. Especially if they are older. Landlords are thrilled to find a reason to eject someone instead of helping. Find out if there are families or friends and you should have a tactful conversation that starts with something like “It is so easy to accumulate stuff over time. Would you like some help in sorting and organizing? ” Be polite and thoughtful. Not judgmental. You do not know how it got that way and I will tell you that the term “hoarding” is also relative. Yes, some people have a lot of stuff. Is it clean? Is it organized? Does it not interfere with using a space?
And if you really care and have the money, suggest hiring an organizer. At the least you can, with tact, help someone to release items. You are not a therapist so you don’t know the many possible causes of hoarding (too many to list here) and each can require a different process to deal with.
As for fire hazard. I am far more worried about smokers of all ages and others who have issues with their electrical connections of starting a fire where someone lives than I am about someone hoarding items that are not flammable and also they don’t smoke. Hoarding is NOT the cause of fires, though, of course, it may increase what burns if there is a fire.
Another suggestion: Let her know that there are places where she can pay to have some things stored.
If you are willing to risk being the person who started the chain of events that might get your neighbor thrown out of her apartment, call 311. But be well aware that you are putting her at risk. Seen it happen numerous times in NYC and elsewhere where apartments are in short supply and the elderly are the first that a landlord or owner wants OUT of a building so they can get higher rent or higher selling price.
Completely agree. This is especially true for older people in rent stabilized or controlled apartments. Landlords want us out at all costs, for any reason.
Re: the “shut-in neighbor”
Have you considered actually having a conversation with her as a friend? Maybe find out if she just needs a little help getting things sorted and out of the apartment?
Sometimes simply making a gentle observation about a problem can wake someone up to the fact that it IS a problem and embarrass them into doing something about it. Very isolated people live in their heads a lot and are not always that aware of appearances.
Maybe she wants to get rid of stuff but has anxiety about leaving the apartment.
It’s really presumptuous to diagnose someone as having hoarder mental illness after simply seen a lot of stuff in their home one time. Were there piles of rotting food and other garbage? Were there bugs or rodents? Was she in danger of being crushed by her stuff?
Maybe your neighbor is worried about having enough supplies for the future because she’s unable to go out. Beware of applying your own standards of how a home should be on someone whose life is clearly very different from yours.
That said, if it was full on garbage-hoarding dangerous, have your conversation with her as soon as possible.
I love that I don’t have to go to the gym for my exercise class. Thank you, Zoom!
What’s wrong with pork roast?
I HAD AN ELDERLY (80) GUEST COMING FOR DINNER – AND ASKED HER IF THERE WAS ANYTHING SHE DID NOT EAT. SHE SAID NO – SO I MADE A DELICIOUS PORK IN LEMON SAUCE. AND GUESS WHAT? SHE DOESN’T EAT PORK…
ON THE HOARDER – I USED TO TO “ORGANIZING” FOR A FEE. I WAS RECOMMENDED TO A “HOARDER” . SHE WOULDN’T LET ME MOVE ANYTHING. OR THROW AWAY BAGS OF BAGS… SHE NEVER EVEN LET ME SEE THE REAR OF HER APARTMENT. BUT SHE MADE A “PATH” SO I COULD WALK IN THE FOYER. I DISCOVERED YOU CANNOT UNHOARD A HOARDER. THEY JUST DON’T WANT TO BE ORGANIZED.