Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

Okay, so we’re having a disagreement. Karen thinks that Claire Danes cries the exact right amount in the new streamer “The Beast in Me.” Cindy thinks she cries way too much and can’t bear to watch Dane’s bottom lip quiver one more time, and Cindy LOVED “My So Called Life.” We’re not exactly angry at each other but we cannot reach consensus. We’d be happy for folks to chime in; even the best advice columnists can benefit from outside counsel!

Dear Ruthless,

I hate the decorations my co-op puts up for the holidays. They look like the interior of a Chemical Bank circa 1986. How do I say something to the woman in charge of the decorations without sounding like a snob?

Signed,

Merrill Grinch

Dear Merrill,

KAREN: The trick is to frame it as participation, not judgment. Say, “Wouldn’t it be fun to freshen up the decorations this year? Maybe a neighborhood theme?” That way you’re not the complainer. You’re asking to be on her creative team. If that fails, when no one is looking, swap out that plasticine Santa bust for a baby fir and claim it’s “from the board.”

CINDY: Sorry, but no tacky Santa display has ever come close to competing with the horror of the plug-in plastic menorah. Get some perspective.

Dear Ruthless,

I have a cousin I haven’t seen since he and his wife had a baby three years ago. At the recent wedding of our aunt he bragged to me that they have never left their son with a babysitter, not even a grandparent. (In fact, the toddler was there, even though there was a no-child request from the family!) I have an opinion about this, which is that it’s nuts. I said that and he was really offended. Was I wrong to speak up?

Signed,

Sitter Lover

Dear Lover,

KAREN: Yes. It’s nuts and you should keep your mouth shut.

CINDY: My biggest problem is showing up to a no-child event with a child. The other thing is not my problem, and it’s not yours, either.  But on that subject may I offer advice to everyone but your cousin: A trusted babysitter/friend/family member gives you time to be out in the world, alone or with friends, which helps you stay married. What’s more, your kids learned that there are other people in the world whom they can trust and love and who will love them back.

Dear Ruthless

I recently had a falling out with an old friend, and I’m not over it.  It might take months.  But, I noticed that she has RSVP’d yes for a holiday party I’m invited to. I think there might be 50 people there but it’s a smallish NYC apartment so I can’t ignore her. Should I stay home?

Signed,

Friends No Mo

Dear No Mo,

KAREN: If you sit this one out, it’s only because the apartment is too small. Running into erstwhile friends and ex-romantic partners is completely awkward FOR ONE MINUTE.
Then it’s fine.  Practice the words, “nice to see” you a few times.  Go to the party, get it out of the way, and have a great time.

CINDY: Life is too short to skip living in order to avoid people, unless you are avoiding Trump, then go ahead. I say put on your Santa hat or menorah hat and go to the party and have fun with everyone else who is there.

Dear Ruthless,

My husband keeps a bag of gifts in his closet that he accumulates as we head towards Hanukkah. I am able to shop this week so I took a peek to see what he got the kids. I found a gift box from a lingerie store.  I don’t like lingerie and he knows it.  My mind is going to the worst places.  Should I say something to him?

Signed,

Nosy Nellie

Dear Nosy,

KAREN: Why don’t you wait until after the holidays, and if the box doesn’t emerge, tell him what you told us. “I wanted to see what you got the kids and . . . “  But only ask him if you are okay with hearing the worst. FWIW, if he had a paramour, I doubt he’d keep a box of lingerie in a findable place.  I guess he could be an idiot, in which case, this could be a blessing.

CINDY: Remember when Emma Thompson opened the heart necklace by accident before Christmas in the movie “Love Actually,” and then, on Christmas Day, Alan Rickman gives her a Joni Mitchell CD? She cries privately while smoothing the bed and then gets on with it, making do with the charm of her costumed children. DON’T LET THIS BE YOU!

Read all Ruthless Advice columns here.

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