By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Did anyone watch the Democratic mayoral debate? Cindy did. Karen was streaming the new series, Sirens, so she missed it. What did you all think? And by all, we mean the other four people watching. There were definitely more candidates than viewers. Nevertheless, it is your privilege and duty to vote, so read up on the contenders and on the ins and outs of ranked-choice voting. We both use ranked-choice voting for everyday decision making and are very satisfied with how it works.
Dear Ruthless,
My husband’s father and his wife live far from us. We thought we’d go to them for Father’s Day. My husband bought our plane tickets, and then we told them we were coming. His stepmother said to us that she would have liked to have been asked first. My husband said that in his family, they don’t ask. P.S. There’s no love lost there.
Signed,
Wendy
Dear Wendy,
CINDY: Ooh, ooh, that is so SNAP. I’m sorry, but your husband is wrong on both counts. We do not invite ourselves to people’s homes without asking them first, even when they’re family, and we do not tell our stepmothers what is done in our family, as though she is not part of it. Ouch, OUCH. You might want to have a talk with your husband and craft an apology. He doesn’t want her showing up at your house, unannounced, does he?
KAREN: I agree with Cindy. The woman could be a monster but she’s his father’s monster. And if your husband really cares about his dad’s well-being, he needs to make this right. If not, she will take it out on your father-in-law.
Dear Ruthless,
I am a melanoma survivor. I am only alive because a friend noticed a dark circle on the back of my leg. I am so grateful to her. Last night I was at an event and a woman I have never met wore a sundress that revealed many dark, raised moles. She has likely had them checked, but I wonder if I should have said something.
Signed
Regretfully Yours
Dear Regretfully,
KAREN: This is a hard one. Theoretically, if she is exposing herself to strangers at an event, her loved ones will be all too familiar with her moley back. But, I am also a melanoma survivor and when I see suspicious terrain, I apologize a thousand times and make it about my own paranoia. Typically, the strangers I have told have been gracious but not alarmed.
CINDY: I would err on the side of being intrusive. I am NOT a melanoma survivor (puh puh puh), but I would say I am and just want to make sure she’s had her skin checked. “A lie to save a life is a lie well told.” That’s Ben Franklin. No it’s not.
Dear Ruthless,
How should I address the people on the sidewalk who are accosting me to get me to sign a petition or to save the whales or finance a sloop to clean up the Hudson River? I think these are great causes, but I hate having to side-step them or be nagged as I walk around the neighborhood. I also don’t want to give people I don’t know my name and email. How do I even know it’s legit? Can I ignore them without seeming like a jerk?
KAREN: It’s your right to act like a jerk under these circumstances. There once was a time when approaching people on the street was the only way to get the word out. But, now we have so many other ways that don’t include accosting strangers. If it makes you feel better, my friend’s son was part of a street team for an animal rights organization and his teammate, it turned out, was a convicted pedophile. For real. If that doesn’t give you permission to ignore these people, I can’t help you further.
CINDY: Carry a small pad with you and ask them to sign your petition to get fundraisers and petitioners off the sidewalk.
Dear Ruthless,
I have a newish friend who is very religious. Whenever she sees me she invokes God in some way or another. Last week I had a small medical procedure, and she keeps telling me she is praying for me. I’m not remotely religious and I know she means well, but I find it very annoying.
Signed:
Secular
Dear Secular,
KAREN: This woman isn’t banning books and shoving anti-choice material in your face. She’s telling you that she is thinking about you and wishing you well. God is her love language.
CINDY: I’m with Karen. Just say thank you. I’m pretty free bestowing my atheist prayers on people, and that really isn’t any different. Frankly, right now, we can use all the prayers we can get.
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Puh! Puh! Puh!
Keep them coming, and keep them ruthless. And yes, we can all use all the prayers we can get right now!
Brilliant advice, ladies, and funny, too! Thank you! I would add to the question about petition solicitors, that when I see a petitioner getting ready to approach, I smile at them, hold up my hand in a half-masted “no thank you”, and say “no thank you,” never breaking my stride. They have always replied with a smile and “thanks anyway”. No stress demurring, just like declining that second cup of coffee!
Spot on as always ladies!
What, exactly, does “puh, puh,puh” mean? Is it a sound made with one’s mouth, like “tsk, tsk?” Is it a verbatim of a stutter? Is it a positive thing or an admonition?
Aren’t you spitting in the devil’s eye, to ward off danger? She mentions not having cancer, and doesn’t want the evil one to notice her/bring evil. ( My deep ethnic background on this is watching some Fiddler on the Roof rehearsals, fwiw.) But possibly it’s not just Jewish/Yiddish – maybe also wider old-world Mediterranean/ European customs too – I have known people with Orthodox Christian backgrounds (Serbian) to spit in the eye of the devil, even in giving good wishes at an infant baptism, and there is no shortage of warding off evil eyes in Greek culture. 🧿🪬😈
I think it’s in the same league as “pish tosh,” as in “that’s not worth worrying about,” or thereabouts. Especially in the context of maybe trying to help someone. As a 2-time cancer survivor (not melanoma, but there are plenty of others!), I am grateful to a friend who I spoke with about something “weird” happening to me, and she was unfazed in insisting I go to the doctor. Thankfully, I took her advice.
I wondered about that too. It seems dumb
Yes, it does, doesn’t it? But my grandmothers used to utter it whenever they felt the need to ward off danger/hope the worst won’t happen. Kind of a Jewish/Yiddish thing.
It’s something you say that is sort of “hopefully not me” hard to put into words. It’s like an admonition/warning to the universe and a statement of “Geez, I hope it doesn’t happen to me.” Like warning the universe off on this. I am sure someone else can better explain.
We always say this when we wish to keep bad luck or evil away along with (forget spelling) Kenahorah puh puh puh.
Aha. It’s from Yiddish (I googled after reading your reply). Thank you!
Reacting to “Secular,” I can’t understand why people can’t accept what’s offered in the spirit in which it’s offered. Someone is wishing you well, in her own way. Why feel you have to prove something?
Re: sidewalk petition people – say “before I see your petition I’d like to share the good news of Jesus with you”.
LOL
Funny how some people will invite themselves over without asking, and then act like YOU’RE the jerk when you tell them no. Perfect example of the presumptuous, entitled and inconsiderate mentality that we’re seeing more and more of these days. Not to mention immature. Good advice ladies.
In the UK they call them “charity muggers” or “chuggers” for short.
“To avoid having your time wasted with a pushy sales pitch, you are forced to become a colder, crueller, and crucially, less trusting person.”
https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/we-need-a-chugger-crackdown/
I’m an atheist, but, as long as the intent is good (which is NOT always), it’s better just to accept prayers as a form of good wishes. I’m not going to tell my mom not to pray for me!
We need more Ruthless on the Rag (and everywhere for that matter)! Love it!
I was one of the four others who watched the debate. There was nothing there. Cindy, sorry you also didn’t do something productive.
The proper way to deal with canvassers is to say “Have a nice day!” WITHOUT breaking your stride! No pausing for even a moment or they’ve gotcha.
Excellent advice! And, I’m an atheist who finds imposed “blessings” startling and offensive, but after I flinch, I hesitatingly say thanks if I think the commenter means well. I try not to argue with people older than I am (74). I do resent the complacent assumptions that their superstitious beliefs are THE only acceptable framework of understanding the world.