By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Happy Tax Day! So fun! We just love the Spring holiday season. Another Tariff Liberation day, come and gone, Passover almost over, Easter just on the horizon. This year, Cindy had twenty for Passover, and they so enjoyed their egg. Karen and her gang will be painting their egg for their annual Easter egg hunt in Central Park. Good luck finding it!
Dear Ruthless,
Love your advice column!
My dog is perfect except for the barking at people. I am desperately trying to teach her not to. Sometimes people seem to feel the need to bark back at her. They think it’s funny, but it sabotages all my work. Do I stop the person and nicely tell them my predicament and goals, ignore them and accept that it is what it is, or give them the finger?
Signed,
Lousy Dog Mom
Dear Lousy,
KAREN: I think giving them the finger, while satisfying, feels very drastic in this situation. First, remember that dogs bark. It’s how they communicate. But if your little guy never stops, yes, the training is good. And training the people in the street isn’t so bad either. As for people who bark at your dog, offer them a treat.
CINDY: I’m so happy you love our column.
Dear Ruthless,
I was in Central Park and I saw my friend’s husband in what appeared to be a very passionate embrace with a woman who was not his wife. Do I say something to her?
Signed,
Witness for the Prostitution
Dear Witness,
CINDY: How good a friend is she? Does their marriage seem stable? If you say something and you are wrong, your friend will hate you. She may hate you if you are right. She may hate you if she finds out you knew and didn’t tell her. You can’t win. But next time you see the husband, give him the universal hand to eye signal that means you are watching him.
KAREN: I don’t care if they were choosing their baby furniture, SAY NOTHING!
Dear Ruthless,
An acquaintance of mine gave me a fairly elaborate gift for my birthday last week. I’m having a big party and didn’t invite her. We aren’t really friends, but I like her. The party is tomorrow. Do I give her a last minute invitation? It would be so obvious.
Signed,
Birthday Girl
Dear Birthday,
KAREN: If it’s a small dinner party, then she really shouldn’t expect to be invited. But if it’s a big bash, and you can fit her, yes invite her. You said you like her. And why make an enemy?
CINDY: Call her and tell her you just realized you didn’t hear back about the party and want to check if she is coming. Then it seems like you invited her and now it’s her fault.
Dear Ruthless,
My husband and I just went to a nice-ish restaurant for dinner with our friends and their nine-year-old son, George. George misbehaved from the moment we sat down until the moment we left. He was in his seat only half the time; the other half he spent running around the venue, humming and screaming. The couple seemed unconcerned. I really have two questions, because I don’t have kids. Is this acceptable nowadays, and should I have said something?
Signed,
Kid-free Diner
Dear Kid-free,
KAREN: It’s not acceptable and you should say nothing.
CINDY: It’s pretty bad form to let your kid run around screaming in any restaurant except Chuck E Cheese. (That’s just a guess; I’ve never been to Chuck E Cheese.) When you next make plans with these folks, do it somewhere that has a no-kid policy.
Dear Ruthless,
I’m reading in a poetry slam, which is something I do regularly, and the place where I perform just changed hands. Someone from the regular crowd, who I invited to the slam and consider a friend, emailed me that she and some of our gang are no longer going to the place because they don’t like the new management. I didn’t invite her to check out the new management, I invited her to see me perform. Why would she write that? What has one thing to do with the other?
Signed,
Angry Poet
Dear Poet,
CINDY: As both journalists AND performers, Karen and I commiserate. She obviously has no idea what it means to be a creative person and put yourself out there. We applaud you. Send us your info and we’ll come to your slam. If you feel you need to respond, ask your friend if she could send you a list of venues she approves of.
KAREN: I would just email her back with the following: I didn’t realize this was about you.
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Haha! I love this! I had avoided this column thinking that it would be pessimistic snark—how wrong I was! Your advice really has good advice nestled in a humorous layer of (good) snark. Bravi, ladies! I’m a new fan!
Agreed! I’m Impressed, as they make a great advice duo!!! (This never came up, so I’ve never seen this before-)
Love your column! But your admitted lack of expertise means that sometimes you’ll get it wrong. “Witness,” your correspondent who saw a friend’s husband in a passionate embrace in Central Park with a woman not his wife, asks if she should say something to her. Your advice assumes Witness wants to know whether to say something to the wife. No! The “her” in the question is the husband’s paramour. Witness wants to know whether to inform the paramour that the man is married. I should think that would be unnecessary. She already knows. Any man indiscrete enough to carry on as this one did in a place as public as Central Park is probably too scatterbrained to have remembered to remove his wedding ring.
What, you expect grammar with your comedy? But the advice stays the same – if your beef is not with the ladies, leave them in peace. To the husband, you may also offer multiple choice, if the eye signals don’t transmit – like “Saw you in park the other day – do you have a new a acting gig that involves hidden cameras? Or are you and Ann doing the open marriage thing she was telling me about? “ Just seeing as he’s making it everyone’s business.
Excellent and very funny advice! It doesn’t get any better.
Great advice and laughs as always ladies! Many thanks! Will definitely be checking out your next show at New York Comedy Club at 236 w 78th st Tuesday April 29th at 7:30pm for even more laughs and to check out your guests Myq Kaplan and Nancy Giles!!
There I was just skimming the intro para ahead of the good stuff – when I laughed out loud. And had to stop and re-read it slowly, for every gem. Still chuckling. Thanks 😉 And – yes, enjoy your egg: I hear it can be boiled in the tears you shed over, your retirement account balance, your remote-only government job doing something you thought was serving our country, and any rights you thought you and your loved ones had to freedom of speech and due process.