By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Well, we haven’t been DOGE’d yet. That’s something.
You know, we’re getting a lot of people asking us: “What’s the point of anything?” because their problems seem petty and pedestrian compared to the insanity of our current political situation. We’re here to tell you that your petty and pedestrian problems matter to us. Besides, how can you fight fascism on the home front when you are worried that your neighbor will never return your $750 Dyson V15 Detect Cordless Vacuum? As they say at the start of every airplane flight: Put the oxygen mask on yourself first.
Dear Ruthless,
I was on the Amtrak from DC to NY, not in the quiet car, because I couldn’t get a seat there, and the woman sitting next to me talked loudly on the phone from the moment she sat down. I could also hear the other person on the line. Finally, after 45 minutes, I nicely asked her to end her call or speak more quietly. She yelled at me that this wasn’t the quiet car. I said I know, but it’s still rude. Am I wrong? What’s the etiquette here?
Signed,
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
KAREN: Next time, get to the train station earlier.
CINDY: The entire world has become one giant phone booth. Next time, take off your socks and start filing your bunions. Two can play at that game.
Dear Ruthless,
Can you recommend a good eye cream?
Signed,
Droopy Eye-Lids,
Dear Droopy,
CINDY: I recently discovered Super Multi-Corrective Anti-Aging Eye Cream at Kiehl’s. It isn’t cheap, but the jar lasts forever, they have two-for-one sales, and I swear I once again have the eyes of a mature twelve-year-old.
KAREN: 1-800-EYE-JOBB
Dear Ruthless,
I could swear my friend is on Ozempic but when I compliment her on her recent weight loss, she doesn’t come clean. Can I ask her anyway?
Signed,
Need to Know
Dear Need to Know,
CINDY: Do not ask her. The next time you are at her house, look in her medicine cabinet. I’m kidding, please don’t do that. Stop mentioning her weight, entirely. Just say: “You look fabulous, but then you always look fabulous.”
KAREN: Obviously she’s on it. Now move on with your life.
Dear Ruthless,
Now that Robert Kennedy Jr. has been confirmed as Secretary of Health and Human Services, is it safe to forgo future vaccinations?
Signed,
Feeling Healthy
Dear Feeling,
KAREN: No, it’s not safe. Too bad there isn’t a vaccine against stupidity.
CINDY: He and his kids all are vaccinated. You’d be better off if you gave up watching anything on TV with his wife in it.
Dear Ruthless,
I love dogs but people in the park let their dogs off leash at all hours when they KNOW the rules are only for before 9 a.m. and after 9 p.m. Park rangers used to ticket but not since COVID. It makes me crazy. Why can’t people follow the rules? Are they and their dogs so special and magical that they don’t have to follow the rules? My dog and I follow the rules and, frankly, I’m pretty sure he feels left out. What’s a law-abiding dog owner to do?
Signed,
Thoughtful Dog Lady
Dear Lady,
CINDY: This is a pet peeve of mine, as well. (Pet peeve, ha ha ha.) These people and their dogs should be deported to Europe where you don’t have to use a leash even in the train station. (Berlin, I’m talking to you.) Maybe try yelling, “Escaped dog, someone please catch him!” every time you see one trotting around loose during leash hours. If all else fails, try reporting them to DOGE.
KAREN: I take pictures and post them all over the park.
Dear Ruthless,
E-bikes are so dangerous. I was almost hit by one on my way to the Ruthless Comedy Show. Can we get rid of them?
Signed,
Endangered Pedestrian
Dear Endangered,
KAREN: Cancel culture is dead. We are never getting rid of them. Stay home and get stuff delivered to you by e-bike.
CINDY: First of all, look both ways. Second of all, if you can find a reason for Elon Musk to hate them, like they are too woke or something, you might have a real chance at a ban.
Send Karen and Cindy your questions! Write to info@westsiderag.com. Subject: Ruthless Advice
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How fun for these two writers to answer these questions. It’s like a bracing bucket of cold water poured over your head. Keep it coming!
Each month gets funnier ladies! Thanks so much for the reprieve from all the other awfulness! So sorry to read Endangered Pedestrian almost got clipped on a way to the Ruthless Show, but it’s well worth the risk!!! I promise! Have seen Upper West Side treasure Judy Gold and Janeane Garofalo at recent shows!!! Next one is Tuesday, March 25, 7pm, New York Comedy Club 236 W 78th St.
I just adore these comments… makes me smile on a day I usually want to slit my throat.
For me it’s like a warm embrace with a good chuckle. Keep it coming!
Thank god for some levity! But still making some digs at Elon. Keep it coming!
Once again proving how overrated expertise can be.
Could we perhaps just get the advice without the political commentary?
No.
NEXT!
Get over it, UWS Dad. You can’t be serious about curtailing political commentary in a column meant to make fun of people and things. Besides, It’s the UWS, we used to just poke fun at the orange Cheeto,- it’s more serious now…undermining him, humiliating him, disparaging his cabinet choices…it’s self preservation. RFK Jr. is bats**t crazy. And, his agriculture secretary just said we should all raise chickens so that eggs are affordable – or some such sound byte babbling.
My advice to you – don’t read this advice column when next it appears, Just go hide your head in the ground.
Just because people dislike urbanists on the comments section does not mean we should get the advice with no political commentary.
“KAREN: No, it’s not safe. Too bad there isn’t a vaccine against stupidity.”–LOL
Another favorite:
CINDY: The entire world has become one giant phone booth. Next time, take off your socks and start filing your bunions.😂
When cell phone conversations get loud and/or go on too long, I like to just inject my thoughts into the discussion.