Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

Happy New Year! We wish all our West Side Rag readers a happy and healthy year to come. So tell us, did you celebrate New Year’s Eve? What did you do? Did you go to Times Square? Seriously? That’s nuts! Did you wear a diaper? And it was raining! Are you insane? Did you make any resolutions? We did. Karen’s resolution is to stop exercising so much. Cindy’s resolution is to eat more.

Dear Ruthless,
I have two dozen Absolute Bagels in the freezer. I feel like I won the lottery, but now I’m reading that they had all these terrible health inspection results [before they closed]. Do we eat them?
Signed,
Frozen in Indecision

Dear Frozen,
KAREN: Believe you me, the rats will miss them more than you will. Go bring them back to the store as an offering.

CINDY: Karen and I happen to have connections at the health department. Why don’t we arrange for you to drop the bagels with us, and we’ll take it from there.

Dear Ruthless,
How do you deal with a friend who acts like she loves you but every now and then enjoys throwing a mean dart at you?
Signed,
Nice Friend

Dear Nice Friend,
CINDY: A friend who “acts” like she loves you but says mean things is not a great friend. We all have friends with characteristics we overlook, but meanness shouldn’t be one of them. Either call your friend out and put an end to the darts or put an end to the friendship.

KAREN: I’m not sure why people do this, but it is no reflection on you. Plus, it’s really hard to confront an old friend on what sounds like a well-worn habit.  If you guys have mutuals, you might want to carefully ask them if this is their experience with her. I doubt she’ll stop, but you won’t feel quite so alone.

Dear Ruthless,
I have zero patience for tourists who walk slowly on the sidewalk, especially when it is a family of five strolling abreast. How do I cope?
Signed,
Annoyed Local

Dear Annoyed,
KAREN: You have to connect with your inner Karen. Push through the people, loudly, screaming “Excuse me!” Once you get by, say something under your breath about how they need to read up on NYC etiquette before coming here. Or you could suggest they stop and take a picture with Elmo and assure them it’s free.

CINDY: With all the aggressive tourists and bikers who use the sidewalk, I think it’s just easier to walk in the street with the cars.

Dear Ruthless,
I want advice on how to tell people in the gym locker room not to sit on the bench with their bare tushies.
Signed,
Underwear Fan

Dear Underwear Fan, 
KAREN:  I had this very experience at my gym.  One day I put a few singles in her gym bag, told her she could make more on the pole, and the problem was handled.

CINDY: Follow her around with a bottle of Seventh Generation spray cleaner, and every time she stands up, spray the spot with a flourish.

Dear Ruthless,
Now that the holidays are over, can you talk about the etiquette of regifting? When is it okay? When is it not okay?
Signed,
Cheapskate

Dear Cheapskate,
KAREN: Here are the rules I live by: regifting a nice gift is always permissible as long as you don’t give it back to the person who gave it to you. One can re-give a terrible gift only if you can’t stand the recipients, or (and this is important) they are so rich they don’t bother to open them anyway. Frankly, you can give those people an empty box from a downscale concern.

CINDY: Let me tell you a story. We were moving from one apartment to another and we had a counter in the kitchen where we put a bunch of nice things we didn’t want to take with us. When friends came by we told them to help themselves to whatever they liked. David’s best friend stopped in, and I sent him to the counter where he chose a green fuzzy throw blanket. The one he gave us as a wedding gift.

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