Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Cynthia Kaplan and Karen Bergreen

Oh, hi. It’s your new best friends, back with advice you can read while lying in the space between your couch and the wall or hiding under your bed. Funny how only one writer this week wanted to talk about the election. To be honest, we’re pretty proud of the rest of you. You are some first-rate tamper-downers. Bravo. We do want you to know, though, that when you’re done with the initial swallowing-your-bile period, we’ll still be here for you, answering your most pointed and pointless questions. Send them to us via info@westssiderag.com.

Dear Ruthless,

How do I deal with people on the sidewalk with giant golf umbrellas that are hogging all the space?

Signed,

Cramped on the Sidewalk

Dear Cramped,

CINDY: Yell “Fore!” as you walk by.

KAREN: I say we outlaw all umbrellas. They are a safety hazard. Learning to get wet will better prepare us for the climate apocalypse.

Dear Ruthless,

There’s a woman that I keep running into who is friends with a lot of my friends. She’s never been nice to me. Recently, I was at a wedding and she met my husband, and she spent much of the evening trying to be HIS friend, while still giving me the cold shoulder. Should I have said something to my husband that night, so we could have come off as a united front, or am I being over sensitive and should let it go?

Signed,

Spurned

Dear Spurned,

KAREN: I think this woman is deeply in love with you, and you should let it go.

CINDY: It’s never too late to tell a husband that someone hurt your feelings and you want him to buy you a present.

Dear Ruthless,

How do I politely say, “Yes, I do mind if you hold the elevator for too long to get loaded up” when I am trying to get somewhere? They are neighbors, but if I keep being nice about it aren’t they just going to keep taking advantage of me?

Signed,

In a Hurry

Dear In a Hurry,

KAREN: While I have been known to mutter under my breath in these situations, I wouldn’t recommend it – especially if they are your neighbors. There may come a time when you need to borrow a cup of sugar or a glass of wine and you’ll want to be in their good graces.

CINDY: How often does this happen? Are you getting on the elevator every time they head out of or into town? If so, that’s weird.

Dear Ruthless,

In the olden days, New York dogs were asked to pee and poo over the edge of the sidewalk in order to limit stepping in it. We now have pooper scooper laws, but it’s hard to find anyone who will enforce them. I once witnessed a passerby run up to a negligent dog owner, hand him a baggy containing the poop he’d left behind and say, “You forgot something.”  I’m tired of zigzagging the sidewalk to avoid piles and puddles!

Signed,

Tired

Dear Tired,

KAREN: As for the pee, most trees and flower beds are enclosed to keep the dogs from poisoning the soil. If you’re upset about the dog peeing on the sidewalk, I can’t help you. I don’t believe in the death penalty but I do think failing to pick up dog doodies is a capital crime.

CINDY: Otis suggests you leave the city for Connecticut.

Dear Ruthless,

I knocked on doors in Pennsylvania to help get out the vote for Harris. There was so much enthusiasm! Obviously that wasn’t the best barometer of what was going to happen. I don’t want to spend the next four years doom scrolling. How do you suggest I channel my energy until there’s another opportunity to vote?

Sincerely,

At Sea

Dear At Sea, 

KAREN: I feel you.  You should spend two weeks in denial. Watch a lot of TV, and eat junk food. After that, channel your energy into creative pursuits. You don’t need to write a novel or take up oil painting. Baking, knitting, even coloring (ok maybe not coloring) will make you feel better. Writing is also healing as long as you don’t call it “journaling.” And we don’t need another essay called “Why Trump Won.”

CINDY: Oy, I know. Put down your phone and be with friends. Go hear music or see comedy. Come be with us at our show or take a comedy class from Karen. Then find a group that is helping and join them. I’m a raging atheist but I believe in tikkun olam, which is a Jewish concept meaning “heal the world.”  I think trying to heal even one small piece of the world helps us heal ourselves. Also, let me know if you want a link for a shirt I just bought that has a picture of a uterus on it and the words “Literally no one asked you.”

Dear Ruthless:

I was invited to a 50th birthday party. The invitation says “No gifts, please.” Should I bring a gift?

Signed:

Jesse W.

Dear Jesse:

KAREN: Yes.

CINDY: No.

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