Narcissism, Negotiation, and Empty Nesters: UWS Tourists Have Questions for The Love Coach, Too

By Liza Cooper

As a licensed social worker and the newly minted Love Coach (TLC) of the Upper West Side, I have the joy of offering love, dating, and relationship tips to people on the streets of our eclectic neighborhood. This past week I spoke to some of the more than 60 million tourists who flock to New York City every year, and make the Upper West Side one of their stops.

Stationed beside my easel and a large red-and-white sign that beckons passersby to “Talk to Me About ~ Love ~ Dating ~ Relationships,” I met people visiting from across the United States and the world. As they milled about the fountains, food carts, and shopping at Columbus Circle, on West 59th Street and Central Park West, some had burning questions for me — and I had a few for them.

Christopher, age 40, and Sean, age 38 – Brussels, Belgium 

Christopher: How do you negotiate in a relationship? I am a people pleaser and want to make Sean happy, so I defer to him on everything – even choosing a restaurant.

TLC: How do you feel about that Sean?

Sean: I don’t like to always be the one to make the decisions. It’s a burden, and I want him to help.

TLC: Christopher, you want to make Sean happy. But to do that, he’d like you to share the weight of decision-making. And Christopher, you have a right to get what you want, too! What if you took turns making decisions? Christopher makes the first decision, then Sean makes the next one, and so forth. Christopher, that might push your comfort zone a bit, because you defer to Sean. But for the peace of the relationship, there needs to be more balance.

Christopher: I like the idea of taking turns, but worry that he will complain about my choices.

TLC: Sean, will you be grumpy if he picks Italian, but you prefer Chinese?

Christopher: Yes, he will be (laughs).

TLC: I’m a fan of using an “emotional safety word” – a funny term that both of you agree on, like bagel or pizza. It’s a reminder to get back on track. If one of you doesn’t do what you agreed to – taking turns with decisions or happily accepting the other’s choice – then the other can– playfully — say the safety word.

Sean: I like it!

Barry, age 60, and his daughter Naomi, age 13 – Atlanta, Georgia 

Barry: I’ve been married for 30 years and have seven kids.

TLC: That’s a full house and a long time together! What’s your secret?

Barry: Forgive quickly. Every relationship has conflict. My wife and I are committed to repairing our ruptures.

TLC: Repair the ruptures – wise advice. Do you have any questions for me?

Barry: Naomi is our youngest and going away for high school. We’ll be empty nesters soon. What will we do?

TLC: It will be an adjustment, and you may need to get to know each other again. Everything has been about your kids, and that will continue in some ways still. But being alone as a couple for the first time in years can be a time of growth. Consider a class that has interested either of you – cooking, art, ballroom dance – and take it together.

Naomi: Is it okay to like several boys at once?

TLC: Yes! You are learning about what you like and don’t like. I encourage adults in the early dating stages – before things get serious – to date multiple people, so they can see how they feel around each person. Everyone should ask these questions about the people they are dating:

• Who makes you most comfortable?
• Who do you laugh with?
• Who can you navigate disagreements with?
• Who is kind and supportive?

If you want to have a romantic relationship, choose a partner with intention and care.

John, 40 – Rutherford, New Jersey

John: I’d like to have a romantic relationship, but I prefer to be friends first. I have friends whom I have more than a platonic interest in, but I never want to risk losing their friendship.

TLC: What about a dating app, where you don’t know the person beforehand?

John: It’s hard for me, because I really need friendship as a base. How could I have romantic interest in someone I don’t know?

TLC: Friendship is important to you as a starting place, and that’s lovely. But you have carved out a no-win situation for love if you won’t go deeper with a friend and you won’t go out with a stranger.

John: That’s a good point! (laughs)

TLC: May I suggest you either take a risk by seeing if a friend will go deeper with you, or take a risk by meeting someone new? If you get together with a stranger, go slow, get to know them, build a friendship that can become more intimate over time, if you both want it to. That’s part of dating too!

Miriam, 32 – Barcelona, Spain

Miriam: I tend to go for narcissistic types, which is not good. They have desirable characteristics too – charisma, confidence. They observe a person very well, so they know how to create a context for seduction. In the past, I was naïve to this, but eventually I saw a pattern in my love life.

TLC: Do you know about the concept of repetition compulsion? This is when we repeat the negative relationships we had with parental caregivers as children in our adult romantic lives.

Miriam: Well, then the pattern I am repeating is the relationship with my mother. I have been doing this for a long time, but how the hell do I change it?

TLC: It’s hard to break the cycle, and it can be frustrating. We might fall for a person who seems like our narcissistic parent, but they might have differences, too. Maybe the partner can also listen, hear us, and work to heal their wounds and ours. Sometimes we repeat things because we want to get it right this time. We strive to have a healthier relationship than we had previously or in early childhood.

Miriam: This is hopeful.

If you have questions or thoughts to share, put them in the comments. And look for The Love Coach with her sign in the neighborhood!

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