By Gus Saltonstall
Last February, just after her sister Jilian Michelle Gotlib died, Valerie Gotlib Shepherd stood in Jilian’s Upper West Side apartment, absorbing the news that all of its contents now belonged to her.
Jilian had spent the majority of her life in the apartment at West 84th Street and West End Avenue. But not long before she died, the sisters had a falling out. So it was a surprise to Valerie that Jilian had left her all of her possessions.
“I really didn’t think she’d want me to have anything of hers after what had happened,” Shepherd said. “I almost feel like it was a gift and a little bit of a curse, because there were so many things, and [I wanted to] honor her properly.”
To make matters more overwhelming, Shepherd was five months pregnant, had a husband and toddler at home, was working a full-time job, and suddenly was faced with an urgent, daunting task for which she had no experience.
The Backstory
Jilian Michelle Gotlib was the first child of Georges Henri Gotlib, a Holocaust survivor who escaped from France and made a life in New York City.
Valerie Gotlib Shepherd was Georges Henri Gotlib’s last child, born 29 years after Jilian to a different mother.
Both of the sisters grew up on the Upper West Side.
“She and I were always very close, but the age difference did make it an interesting dynamic; we lived a block apart,” Shepherd said.
At the beginning of COVID-19, Shepherd and her husband moved back into her childhood UWS home to take care of her father, who was in poor health. She had learned she was pregnant with her first child around the same time, and her father passed away eight days after she brought her son home.
Then, in the summer of 2023, her sister Jilian, in her early 70s, was diagnosed with liver cancer. After an attempt at chemotherapy, she decided to halt treatment.
Around the same time, Shepherd found out that she and her husband were expecting their second child, a girl, whom they decided to name Sloane. Unexpectedly, and for reasons they never fully understood, that name enraged Shepherd’s older sister.
“She said it was a horrible name, that it was disrespectful,” Shepherd told West Side Rag. “She said that we couldn’t name our daughter that, and she gave us a list.”
The back and forth on the name went on for months. Then, last December, “We told her, ‘We love you, we want to support you, but you can’t dictate what we name our child,’” Shepherd said. “My sister decided that meant she was going to cut us off.”
The sisters did not speak for the next month, but when Gotlib’s health deteriorated, she said she was willing to see Shepherd again.
“I went over there and just sat with her,” Shepherd said. “At this point she couldn’t even open her eyes, but I was able to sit with her and have that kind of goodbye, which was very important,” she explained.
Honoring Her Sister
Gotlib died in early February, and then came the surprise that she’d left everything to Shepherd — and that it all needed to be removed as soon as possible so the apartment could be vacated.
“My first instinct was to throw everything away,” Shepherd said. “But that just felt terrible. I knew that would not be honoring my sister at all.”
That’s when she had an idea.
Shepherd had already used the Buy Nothing 76-90 St. UWS Facebook group to help get a nursery ready for her newborn daughter. Now, she reached out to Jenn Mattie, administrator of the group, to see if Mattie could help with her sister’s belongings.
The Buy Nothing group is a community of locals where residents exchange gifts and essentials free of charge. With its help, “and along with my sister’s friends and my amazing brothers, we began to champion an effort to get her stuff to people who could really use it,” Shepherd said.
Gotlib’s dishes went to a family moving to the city from Albania. Her many coats went to various shelters in the neighborhood, and her thousands of beads and art supplies (Gotlib was a lifelong artist) went to an occupational therapist for use in art therapy for kids.
But when March rolled around, the apartment still contained heaps of Gotlib’s belongings, and the building management began getting irritated about people coming over to collect things. So Shepherd had the idea to bring the remaining belongings to her apartment, where people from the Upper West Side Buy Nothing group could come pick them up.
Then she fell and spent several days in the hospital, before being sent home on bedrest for her pregnancy.
That’s when Jenn Mattie came to the rescue, said Shepherd, “going through everything, sorting belongings into different piles, working with people from the Buy Nothing group to make sure these belongings went to people that would honor my sister’s memory.”
“I was happy to,” Mattie said in an email to the Rag. “I always feel a bit sad when I walk by a building’s trash and see the contents of someone’s life waiting for the garbage truck. Lots of families have limited resources or time to empty these apartments more intentionally, so I understand the why, and I was happy to take the opportunity to help honor her sister, possibly help the healing process, all while gifting some really amazing items to those in our community who would appreciate them.”
“The thing I wasn’t expecting was that, although I had never met Valerie’s sister, I felt that I began to know her through her beautiful things, her art, and books,” she added.
Both women spoke to the importance of the role that the Upper West Side Facebook group played.
“We really exploded during the COVID shutdown as everyone was working/schooling from home and items were not readily available, so we looked to our neighbors to fill our needs or to gift items that others needed,” Mattie said.
Shepherd said that being part of this process made her feel part of a community.
“I’ve met many of the members in person now and we’ve become friends,” she said. “When I needed help, and I thought I had to bring all these belongings to a thrift store, I had people I never met before reaching out.”
Members took turns taking clothes and jewelry, bringing books to local libraries, and offering leads on where other items might best go. At the beginning of July, Gotlib’s apartment was officially emptied out – and in a way that suitably honored her memory, Shepherd said. “To think of other people who need or find joy from these possessions, rather than just thinking about them in a landfill somewhere,” she said.
“It helps her live on a little bit.”
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I am a proud member of this UWS Buy Nothing group. I have been the giver and recipient of the finest items and have met the most wonderful people. Thank you for this article and its highlighting of a generous and gentle members.
Please contact me about ho to join
Open Facebook, And search for Buy Nothing. Then find your buy Nothing neighborhood and answer a few questions. The group Admin will admit you.
It’s a world wide group (by neighborhood) with quite stringent group rules. I belong to a Buy Nothing group in Arizona and it functions the same way.
Sounds wonderful. I’d love to know of a similar group that does not require going to Facebook (or X or Instagram). There are lots of people – I among them – who would prefer not to support Meta (or Musk).
I am also a member since 2020 and have made lovely friends of neighbors I’d never otherwise meet. It is lovely to hear of the honor of this sisters life, and knowing that a bit of her lives on on the UWS.
The buy nothing groups are an interesting bunch, many nice people on there. Just as long as you do not run afoul of the moderation.
Despite living in the neighborhood (and the specific group boundaries) for many years, I’ve not been accepted to the Buy Nothing Group. Even sent a polite direct message to moderator Jen Mattie at one point, yet never even received a reply. I’ve heard this from others as well.
Because of outside opportunists (one of whom I unfortunately fell victim to), they have very specific instructions for how your FB page should read to identify your location. If you follow those, you should get in. I have gotten some great items, but I find the ability to give away perfectly useful items to people who need them to be an even better aspect of it!
I don’t belong to this particular group, but sometimes it helps if another member recommends you.
I am an area worker and got in.
The two UWS BNG groups are amazing! I’m so happy that I’m a member! The Being Neighborly 60-90th St group is also a wonderful source of information and help!
Wonderful story. Poignant. So glad that Valerie could get the support she needed to treat her very much older sister’s legacy with respect. I used Buy Nothing to give away some significant items when we put our apartment (UES) contents into storage pending finding a new place. Sending maybe a dozen things off (from bags of grandkids’ outgrown diapers to two matching sofas) was a lot of work. As a retired person with few acquaintances in the city, I found it amusing and rewarding. I’m in awe of using this technique for an entire apartment.
It gives me inspiration to give away more that I’ve accumulated (I think I have channeled the older sister!) to teachers……
Thank you to the women who were helping to clear out books etc from Jilian’s apt who found the book I had loaned her, and left it for me with our doorman. I’m so pleased to see my neighbor and friend being acknowledged and honored. Who has Merlin?? Condolences to Valerie on losing her sister.
Merlin is back with the person who gave him to Jilian. Living the best life he can without Jilian.
What a wonderful story! We live in Chicago and often use our neighborhood’s Buy Nothing group to give new life to things we no longer need.
I too am a member of a Buy Nothing group, 91st – 100th Sts
My husband recently had a terrible accident, getting in a taxi whose driver decided to hit the gas before he was totally in the cab. This has resulted in excruciating pain, and a need for a wheelchair.
Buy Nothing came to our rescue with two very kind women within a three block area offering wheelchairs. One was on the very next block and the chair is almost brand new. So I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the Buy Nothing community.
I am in the midst of going through belongings and will be offering things on Buy Nothing, as well. A great Facebook community.
I am a happy member of BUY NOTHING for my larger neighborhood. I would like to suggest the THE WEST SIDE RAG do an article on these kind of groups so that more people are aware of these resources. While I am happy that that artist received the supplies, I suspect that no one thought of MATERIALS FOR THE ARTS in Long Island City. When I lived on Long Island. I was an ACTIVE member of two FREECYCLE.org groups. TrashNothing is another group; I haven’t used them yet. For a different intention, there is BUY ALMOST NOTHING which permits small dollar amounts for the posted items.
What a wonderful story.
There is a BuyNothing app for iPhone/iPads which does NOT require Facebook. Please join!!