By Lese Dunton
When I was a little girl, my favorite thing to read was MAD magazine. I couldn’t wait for the next issue.
I would ask my older brother excitedly, “When will it come out again?” He would reply, “In about a month.” I remember thinking… how long is a month? That seems like a long time to me. Dang.
My favorite section was called, “What they say and what it really means.” For example, when your parents say, “It’s not the money, it’s the principle of the thing,” what they really mean is, “It’s the money.”
Or when they say, “This hurts me more than it does you,” it really means, “It hurts you more.” This was very helpful to know as a young child navigating through life. A great guide to live by.
So now as a grownup, or someone posing as one, I like to notice when translations are needed. For example, when the IT department says, “Don’t worry, it will be a seamless transition,” it really means, “Nothing will ever work right again.”
Or, “It should be pretty straightforward” means, “It should be, but it’s not.”
“There has been a slight hiccup” translates to, “Brace yourself, it’s a disaster.”
If a company website announces, “Our staff has over 125 years of experience collectively,” it means, “We’re searching for new ways to make it sound like we know what we’re doing.”
“I can supply a list of references!” means, “Thank God my friends have agreed to say something nice about me.”
When someone answers your question with, “We haven’t yet explored those particular hypotheticals,” it means, “We have no idea how to answer your question.”
“There could be a nuance in the legalities” means “You could probably get away with it.”
If you hear a colleague claim, “I’ll try to get back to the office later today, but I’m not sure how long this meeting will run,” what they really mean is, “See you tomorrow!”
And lastly…
When Fairway says it’s having a BIG sale, it usually means it’s only slightly more expensive than anywhere else.”
What else do Upper West Siders and others say when they mean something else? Have fun with it in the comments!
Mad predicted video telephone calls.
Our son loved MAD so much from as early as he could read. We kept his subscription when he went to college, we would read it first before we mailed it to him. Long before on-line magazines.
What do you really mean by this article?
When they say “Going back to the office is good for our culture.”
What they mean is “We need 40% of our staff to quit on their own by Q2.”
Lese, hello! How to get in touch with you? My brother and I read Mad in the ’50s and I didn’t learn until decades later that it must have been just a couple of years after the magazine started.
When they say quality of life what they really mean is..
And the all time classic: “It’s not about the money” always means:
“It’s only about the money”
Which is similar to but not exactly what you wrote above. This was a great column, especially for a Sunday.
Mad Magazine! What an iconic cultural force for the seeker of truth it was, under that innocent guise as a humor periodical for children.
“Shared roadway” means “There’s no room for anyone anymore.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” means “I will not apologize for my bad behavior, plus something is wrong WITH YOU!”
“No problem” means I never learned how to say or even understand the meaning of “You’re welcome.”
“Have a nice day” can mean anything at all!
I don’t remember that feature of MAD. I remember other ones, like Berg’s Eye View. I still use some of those jokes. Plus live by the wisdom.
“My office is looking into this and the situation will not be tolerated” Translation,
“I’m doing nothing.
Real estate ads for apartments are the best!
“Feels like Paris”” means “It’s like living in a garrett”. “Loads of charm” means “It’s the size of a matchbox.”. “Original detail ”
means “It has antique appliances”.
Thanks for reminding me about MAD. I also enjoyed this section of MAD and read it regularly. Among my 1960’s era friends on the UWS, two cultural icons stood out: MAD and Zacharly (a TV character who hosted a weekly horror movie on Channel 9). Thanks for bringing back those memories.
These remembrances are truly funny. I am going to forward your piece to a friend who retired from Mad.!
I was raised with the adage: “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”
This is perfect. Send it to
NYT for an op ed
“Congestion pricing is to ease congestion.”
Means: “congestion pricing is a money grab.”
When they say we’re reaching across the aisle and expect bipartisan support on this bill, they really mean it has no chance of getting passed.
“Have a nice day” means “I know I’ve been so rude to you that I’ve ruined your day, but I’m not going to apologize for anything until hell freezes over.”
“We Upper West Siders have a reputation for being inclusive”
means: “Great idea as long as it’s not opening on my block”
Drives me crazy when people say “It should be in later today…..” SHOULD?????
“Customer satisfaction is our first priority.”
“There should be more AFFORDABLE housing!” ——> Someone else should subsidize my rent.
Past performance is no guarantee of future success = We have no idea what’s going to happen to your money
Previously-owned = Used
Baked fresh yesterday = Stale
Competitively-priced salary = The lowest salary level matched
Banned For Hate Speech = Censored for disagreeing with our politics
Value oriented = cheaply made
When the conductor says “there’s another train right behind,” he means “I have no idea how long it is until the next train, but you might as well think I know what I’m talking about.”
“Please listen carefully, our menu options have changed” means “we haven’t changed a thing in 10 years, but are too lazy to fix the recording.”
Terms & conditions may apply. MAD would have had a ball with that one. And let’s not forget “Resort Fee”, the favorite of hotels.
“We take this very seriously”…means “We’ve been covering this up for years but now you’ve caught us”
Fun article. Thanks!
Wow, it’s great to see some MAD stuff in the West Side Rag and read some comments from (former) MAD fans. I’ve been an upper westsider for like 40+ years and have been MAD’s Maddest Writer for 50+ years. (I’ve been in every issue for all those 50+ years.) And a subscriber to WSR for a very long time. MAD is mostly reprints now, but at least it’s still around. MADly, DickDe
Wow, great to learn that Dick DeBartolo is an UWSer! Maybe our crazy neighborhood contributed to his crazy (and wonderful) sense of humor. Dick, if my memory is correct, I read a book you wrote back in the 90’s (Good and Mad Days…or the Good Days and Mad)…wonderful read and probably would be even more fun to read again all these years later. (I’m going to hunt for a replacement copy on line in a few minutes! Look for the royalty check!) Thank you for all the great contributions you have made over the years!
Thanks for the kind words Bruce. Yep, the book is Good Days & MAD. If you can’t find a copy, I can put a page a day in the window (I’m on the ground floor) and you can read it as you walk by. In less than a year you’ll have the read the whole thing! (And gotten a good amount of exercise!) MADly, DickDe
See…exactly the humor I like. I will find a way to get it! (I also think you have some of your items on your web site too for sale.) I’ve become obsessed again starting today!
“Your call is very important to us” means “get ready to start pressing those buttons.”
… when the IT department says, “Don’t worry, it will be a seamless transition,” it really means, “Nothing will ever work right again.
Hey! As a member of an IT team that’s… all too correct, actually. Sorry.
What they say: “No offense but….” What it means: “Not only do I know that I am about to be offensive, but I mean to be and I don’t really give a damn if I offend you.”
“We need to escalate your problem”…….means you’ll never hear from us