By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Editor’s note: This month, author, podcaster, and longtime UWSer A.J. Jacobs is filling in for Karen Bergreen, who is on hiatus.
Your Ruthless Advisors come to you today prepared with an important recommendation pertaining to your mental and physical well-being. We suggest you give it your utmost consideration. For the foreseeable future, we strongly advise you to wear Knicks T-shirts, hats, jackets, shorts, whatever you can get your hands on/afford. Recent but not particularly scientific research leads us to believe that doing so will increase your sense of joy, and will make you a better citizen, a better friend, and a kinder person. It will inspire you to exhibit a newfound warmth towards strangers, provided they, too, are outfitted similarly. This prescription is good for the next three months, or until sweaters and coats return. At that point, a wool logo hat will do.
Dear Ruthless,
Now that summer is here, an ice cream truck idles all day outside my ground floor office. I thought there were rules for idling trucks, but someone told me ice cream trucks were exempt. I’m not a Grinch, but it’s both a noise issue and an environmental nuisance. I went to Gail Brewer’s office, and they said they’d hand it over to their legal department. Crickets. Now what?
Signed,
Not a Grinch
Dear Not,
A.J.: I looked at the 311 website, and it seems to be true: Ice cream trucks are allowed to idle all day long if they’re using the motor to power the freezer. On the other hand, ice cream trucks aren’t immune from all noise laws. Apparently, they are NOT allowed to play their infernal jingles except when the truck is moving. So if that truck is idling and jingling at the same time, call 311! If not, then I’d recommend AirPods’ noise cancellation feature. Or, for only $10.07, try Walker’s ear protectors for “shooting any type of gun,” as they advertise on Amazon. I don’t shoot any type of gun, but I wear them all the time because there’s construction outside my window.
CINDY: I did not take the time to confirm A.J.’s information because he is always correct. Therefore, without further ado, I would recommend all of the above, as well as treating yourself to a Mr. Softee once in a while. I go years without having one, but then I do and can’t BELIEVE how tasty it is. On the other hand, if you have a car, you could try to park it in the spot the truck typically uses.
Dear Ruthless,
On my street, everyone who lives on the south side walks their dog on the north side of the street, and vice versa. Why?
Signed,
Dog Curious
Dear Dog,
CINDY: I, for one, know my dog likes a fresh array of other dogs’ excretions for his sniffing pleasure. Sticking to our side of the street is like taking him to the same Red Lobster buffet every night. Also, why are you clocking your neighbors’ and their dogs’ movements? No pun and then pun intended.
A.J.: This does not seem to be a mystery that rivals Stonehenge or the identity of Jack the Ripper. People don’t appreciate dog poop and pee near their homes, so the farther away the poop and pee is from their front door, the happier they are. Ergo the sidewalk shuffle.
Dear Ruthless,
I’ve played Mahjong in a foursome every week for the past five years, not counting COVID. We’re all in our seventies and we get along great. Unfortunately my partner retired to Florida last month. I asked another friend who plays to be my new partner and brought her to the game. After two weeks, the other two players told me privately that they don’t think she is a “fit” for our game. Is this high school? She’s a nice woman, she’s my partner, and I feel they are not even giving her a chance. I’m both outvoted and insulted. What should I say?
Signed,
Mahjong Maven
Dear Mahjong,
CINDY: Oof. Older women who play games can be so tough. Someone chews too loud, doesn’t hear well enough, or brags about her grandchildren too much, and she’s OUT. I’ve heard my mother-in-law complain about just this sort of thing, but to her credit, when at the game table she displays an admirable generosity of spirit within earshot. Someone needs to make a movie about it, like Mean Girls but with retirees.
A.J.: This question hits the UWS Jewish trifecta! Mahjong? Check! Florida retirement? Check. Larry David-like crankiness? Check! (I say that as an avid Mahjong player who gets annoyed at people a lot and has in-laws in Florida). There seem to be two routes. First, double your Mahjong playing per week. Find a different substitute player for Game 1 and then start a whole new splinter group with your friend. Second, try to convince your two friends to change their minds. Have you asked them why this new person is not a fit? Maybe they object to something unchangeable: Her core personality, her pheromones, the sound of her voice. But maybe they don’t like that she uses salty language or wears unpleasant perfume – in which case you can gently guide your friend to meet the friends halfway.
Dear Ruthless,
Now that school is over for the year, the birthday party/bar mitzvah/bat mitzvah season is blessedly over. I say blessedly because of this trend in party throwing for kids where there is a party favor in the form of clothing and the kids wear it to school the next day and whoever wasn’t invited basically gets a big fat reminder staring them in the face. Is there a way to stop this exclusionary and consumer-ish trend?
Signed,
Who Needs Another Sweatshirt?
Dear Who,
A.J.: I feel you! I experienced the same big fat reminders when I was 13, including a T-shirt that listed all the names of the bat mitzvah invitees, so I got textual evidence of who was popular (i.e. not me). Maybe you could bring this up at a parents’ association meeting. Or maybe it’s even something the school administration could weigh in on. If it’s a public school, they probably couldn’t prohibit the clothing – First Amendment and all that. But if it’s a private school, maybe they could turn it into a learning opportunity about exclusion and inclusion. They love that kind of stuff at private schools.
CINDY: No one needs another sweatshirt with some kid’s initials and birthday/bar/bat mitzvah date. They will wear it once to prove they were invited, and then never again or only for messy art projects in the privacy of their homes. Is it not enough not to be invited? Must they keep rubbing your face in it? I know for a FACT that A.J. still suffers. So keep your invitation list to yourself. Then maybe go print “Knicks in Five” on 50 sweatshirts and donate them to a shelter.
Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan are the co-creators of The Ruthless Comedy Hour, a comedy variety show for grownups with brains. In its 11th year, it features top stand-up comedians (including this month’s guest columnist Cory Kahaney), musicians and celebrity interviews, and addresses social, political, and local concerns by making brutal fun of them. Bergreen is a veteran stand-up comedian and author of two acclaimed novels. Kaplan tours extensively with her comedy rock band, The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal, and is the author of two just as acclaimed collections of humorous essays.
A.J. Jacobs is an author, podcaster, journalist, Ted-talker, and human guinea pig who lives on the Upper West Side and only leaves the neighborhood under duress. He has written four New York Times bestsellers, including “The Year of Living Biblically,” that combine memoir, science, humor and a dash of self-help. A.J. is the creator and host of the popular daily podcast “The Puzzler” and he chronicles his UWS life at Substack.com/experimentallivin
Got a question in need of ruthless advice? Email Ruthless at info@westsiderag.com.
Read all Ruthless Advice columns here.
I have a nosy aunt that if she hasn’t heard from someone in a long time will call the town’s police to do a wellness check on you. How do you write people like that off?
I would absolutely want your aunt to be my mahjong partner! Good for her.
If you’re going to print Knicks shirts, do the TS route and print 50 “Knick Jonas” shirts instead.
Nick Jonas is the best looking Jonas.
Why do people buy ice cream from ice cream trucks that are blowing so much exhaust into their faces? The trucks need to do something about that exhaust — it is so hard on the lungs.
I just go to the corner store and buy a pint of good ice cream. Talanti is good for about $5. No tip jar.
Agree, I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to route my kids constant desires for ice cream to a local store instead of the obnoxious trucks
My 27-year-old daughter’s favorite sweatshirt is from a Bat Mitzvah where she was barely even friends anymore with the celebrant when the event happened, much less now, 14 years later. Go figure! (I don’t recall if she wore it to school the next day, but this being NYC, they went to different middle schools, so it wouldn’t have mattered!)
That’s odd
Nice. You don’t want the dog doo in front of your house, so you go to your neighbor’s. Can’t anyone see what’s wrong with this picture? Eliminate the dog doo. Poop in your own apartment (on newspaper — or make a dog toilet) or stop requiring everyone to have a dog. Nothing cute about dog doo.
Great advice, especially about the Knicks!
My dog would always pull me across the street to start her walk. She knew we’d return walking on our side of the street, pausing for a 10min sit down on the school steps, which she loved. I tried a few times walking her on our own side because I didn’t have time for the sit down. The scamp knew what I was doing and would have none of it and still tried to drag me across the street. They are smarter than us.
Re: the alternate-side dog walkers. Think crop rotation. The grass is always greener (or browner) and in need of fertilizer.
A friend of mine lives in Europe where they have established a semi-official “poop zones” for respective buildings in their town, with some form of tenant representative (the obligatory nosy neighbor who is in everyone’s business, pun and all) ensuring that nobody’s dog trays (pun? hmm…) into the poop zone of another building. They figure that “the pooper pupper you know is better than the pooper pupper you don’t know” and that this usually also means that the owners do not neglect to pick up the poop from/near their own stoop…
Interesting!
The Sweatshirt is the new Participation Trophy.
Who woulda thunk!
Yes, more A.J. please:)
I’m old enough to remember when the NYC>Miami Beach alta cockers, like my grandparents, used to play Bingo and shuffleboard.
I don’t think I even know what Mahjong is?? Like Bridge or something? Are cards involved. Gonna have to look into this:)
I used to drive a Good Humor truck. The problem is the soft serve trucks. They have to run their engine or generators all day, and they never really clean the truck or the machines properly. The advice here is generally correct. Really the only thing you can do is make it as difficult as possible for them to do business at that spot and maybe they’ll move.
In today’s era, I would think they could convert to battery power for their freezers easily and use solar power to boost the battery charge.
Most cabs are Battery and Gas powered in NYC at his time, cutting down on exhaust fume.
Stop buying the ice cream.