Ruthless Advice for Upper West Siders: All of the Answers With None of the Expertise

By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan

Okay, what’s on the agenda for the fall? Time to get planning! September doesn’t have to be a post-summer sob fest. No one ever said you can’t go to  Cape Cod for Rosh Hashanah. And why not plan a trip to see the leaves on Italian Heritage/Indigenous People’s Day Weekend? Of course, there’s work to be done and children’s sports games to attend, but you know how carpooling works? Get together with a group of parents and take turns going to the games. One weekend, you take all the kids. Next weekend, off-season, half-priced Montauk hotel room, here you come. Or you could stay in bed and stream “Hostage” on Netflix.

Dear Ruthless,

It’s the end of August and my therapist has been on vacation and I feel amazing. I think I’m ready to end it, but I get the feeling that she won’t agree. How do I tell her I’m done?

Signed,

Mentally Healthy

Dear Mentally,

KAREN: I wouldn’t jump ship just yet.  You may need a vacation from therapy.  Wait until the shrink returns and then fully evaluate.

CINDY: Your therapist is not your mother. Your therapist is a paid consultant, no matter how dependent you may have been on her. You are allowed to grow up and move out of her house. In fact, the very act of ending your therapy may be a sign you are healthy enough to do so. (Disclaimer: I’m guessing. Don’t hold me to it.)

Dear Ruthless,

I never want to go to Duane Reade or CVS anymore because everything is locked up.

Signed,

Needing Toothpaste

Dear Needing,

KAREN: I can’t disagree with you. Going to the pharmacy takes longer than riding the bus.  And it’s incredibly demoralizing.  I’ve complained at both stores and am proud to announce they don’t care.  I have started shopping at mom-and-pop places and online.

CINDY: I feel bad for the employees. Their customers are testy, and for their own safety, they have to stand by and watch folks sweep armfuls of stuff into bags and then walk out. This isn’t an exaggeration; I saw it with my own eyes AND my mother’s eyes, although what someone wants with 50 rolls of Mentos is anyone’s guess. If you are going to go in, do so when you have a little time to spare. Otherwise, there are plenty of small pharmacies who could use your business.

Dear Ruthless,

My friend got me a very expensive session with a psychic and I think the whole thing is hokum. She keeps asking if I’ve done it yet. What should I tell her?

Signed,

Realistic on Amsterdam

Dear Real on Dam,

KAREN:  If you aren’t interested, it’s unfair of her to burden you with a time suck.  On the other hand, she’s going to want to hear details.  I would tell her that the psychic told you that if you  reveal details of your session to anyone, especially a close friend, a catastrophic event will befall her.

CINDY: I don’t believe in any of that and yet, I do. Nevertheless, next time you have the opportunity to get this friend a gift, may I recommend tickets to a junior high school performance of Waiting for Godot.

Dear Ruthless,

My wife and I take an early morning or power walk in Central Park most mornings. This summer she has taken up bird-watching and our power walks have turned into stop and start strolls. We don’t get anywhere or get any exercise. I have ZERO interest in birds but I do want to maintain my heart health. Okay, and my marriage. Please advise.

Signed,

Bird Hater

Dear Hater,

KAREN: I can see how the stopping and starting is frustrating, but it’s also nice that your wife is excited about something. Might you take her pauses as an opportunity to do a jumping jack or two to keep your heart rate up?

CINDY: Time to take a good look in the mirror, Buster, and think about all the waiting your wife has probably done over the years. All the tolerating of your hobbies. The golf on the weekends while she schleps your children around to play dates. You WATCHING it. Is there anything more stultifying than televised golf? And the insistence on telling her the plot of the Dan Brown book you just read. And your work parties and reunions. Your hip replacements, your boys weekend leaving her with the children and the new puppy. Your…oh. Oh. Anyway, look at the damn birds.

KAREN: CK, possibly reach out to Mentally’s therapist and ask about that open slot.

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