By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
One of the delights of summer is outdoor swimming. Get your bodies in the water, people! Oceans, rivers, lakes, pools are all ripe for splashing around. Have you checked out the new pool at the Harlem Meer? Do it! If you don’t know how to swim, sign up for swim class but in the meantime, wear flotation devices! Swimming clears the mind, and is fun alone or in groups. And if you are one of those people who are like, “I can’t be seen in a bathing suit,” it’s time to get over it, because no one cares. Literally, no one. We are all just bodies. The important stuff is inside.
We are a mere two months from our column’s one-year anniversary. We mention this in case you were thinking of getting us a gift that needs to be preordered. Also, if you would like to put us up for the Nobel Advice Prize, we’d be honored.
Dear Ruthless,
I love to read thrillers. I find them totally diverting, and I read for pleasure and relaxation. I have a friend who is always lording it over me with the latest literary fiction or “important” non-fiction. She says she thinks anything else is frivolous and not worth the time. I need a clever retort and I don’t have one. Help!
Signed,
Bookish Barbara
Dear Barb,
CINDY: First of all, we need all the diversion we can get right now. I love police procedurals and historical fiction. I do not need to read about the fall of democracy while it is falling on our heads, although I do recommend everyone read Timothy Snyder’s On Tyranny, which is really just a glorified pamphlet. Anyway, just tell her to mind her own beeswax.
KAREN: Ask if in any of her literary journeys, she has ever come across the phrase: Don’t Yuck My Yum.
Dear Ruthless,
How do we keep people from talking about their infirmities or death itself at dinner parties?
Signed,
Holding on to my Health
Dear Holding,
KAREN: Infirmities are almost as juicy as gossip. Lean in. And I give you permission to wear ear pods.
CINDY: The fact is, we all need comfort and commiseration. That’s how we get through the hard stuff. What we do is cover it all during cocktails and cheese dip and then call it.
Dear Ruthless,
Any advice for a newly minted widow who’s struggling to gain her footing?
Signed,
On My Own
Dear On,
KAREN: I teach stand-up and I often have students who’ve lost a loved one or are going through trauma. Sometimes, unlocking creativity, especially in a form you never imagined, can be surprisingly healing. It can give you moments of distraction, new reference points, and a sense of power you may not have felt in a while. It doesn’t have to be stand-up, although laughter is so good for you. You could work with clay or try some kind of metalsmithing or even bake. It doesn’t matter if it’s a masterpiece or a lopsided mug. The point is to get your hands and mind busy with something that’s yours.
CINDY: I don’t know your pain, but my own, such as it, has been eased by the following: Be kind to yourself. If you need quiet and solitude, take it. If you want to watch Downton Abbey for the third time, do it. If you need company, seek it out. Grief is universal, and you may get solace from unexpected places and people. Create standing dates with friends or join a widows gang, but one that does fun things like going bowling. If you want to talk about your loved one, do it. “May their memory be a blessing” means that remembering a loved one keeps them alive in your mind and heart. I find that incredibly comforting.
Dear Ruthless,
My mother-in-law likes to take the whole family on trips. She just invited us all to a house she is renting for Labor Day weekend. A rented house means lots of shopping and cooking for people I wouldn’t necessarily choose to vacation with in the last hurrah of the summer.
Signed,
Not the Chef
Dear Not,
KAREN: Unless your mother-in-law is a monster, power through it. If everyone’s finances are flexible, maybe you can eat out a couple of times or hire a helper to assist with cooking and cleaning. It’s a weekend; not a year abroad.
CINDY: Yes, sometimes we are required to partake in family “vacations.” It’s not impossible for them to be delightful. But we are also allowed to opt out. My best advice is that as soon as you are invited and know the dates, decline immediately with the words, “Thank you, I’m so sorry, we have plans.” Plans are plans. And if you don’t have any, make them fast.
Dear Ruthless,
What’s the best response for the question: How old are you?
Signed,
Not Young but Fabulous
Dear Fabulous,
KAREN: Somewhere between TikTok and MSNBC.
CINDY: How old are YOU?
Subscribe to West Side Rag’s FREE email newsletter here. And you can Support the Rag here.
Thanks as always for leavening my day with a bit of spicy humor and Common Sense!
In the Russian language, “How old are you?” literally translates into “To you are how many summers?” So, share a few stories of memorable summers and let your inquisitor fill in the blanks.
This column is a lot of fun and the only reason to NOT nominate you for the Nobel Advice Prize is that we might then become too small a fry of a column for yas … so, please stay? 🙂 Happy almost-one-year to ya. About the age stuff – what’s the big deal about ages? Didn’t we EARN each and every year? Also, if all fails, there’s always the “I’m a citizen of the universe, and time is SO relative…” 😉
Bookish Barbara, what a tiresome bore your friend is. Sounds like her reading pursuits are mostly driven by ego. The most intelligent and driven people I know love reading genre fiction to relax, especially mysteries and science fiction.
Not sure about the snappy retort, but maybe the next time she starts boasting about the “serious” literature she’s reading you simply smile at her and say condescendingly, “How nice for you that you have a hobby.”
The “how old are you” question is almost always asked by men who have designs on you – they want to know if you fall within their dateable range. I would always say “85”.
Stone is a UK weight measure that no one uses elsewhere. It is 14 pounds. Divide your age by 14 and round up or down. If you are 56, that’s 4 stone. Just say, “I’m 4 stone.” That usually stops the question cold or leads to a Google event.
I always ask “What year were you born? That question takes the curse off the question. Most everyone answers.
Why are you asking, though? That’s the issue.
How old are you ?
Just tell them your an explorer and how many trips around the sun you’ve made
Lol! Well yes a definitely nominate you. Keep in coming. As for the book one? Ecchh, I am an equal opportunity reader. From classics to the latest thriller. In fact, your friend may be annoying, but you might want to try one of the books she likes. She wants to have someone to talk to about it.
My late mother would say, “I’m as old as my tongue, and a little older than my teeth.”
For the newly widowed: there is a great book called “Newly Widowed, Now Socially Awkward.” Told by a psych with a sense of humor. Highly recommended. Newly Widowed, Now Socially… https://www.amazon.com/dp/099847780X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I love your column — thank you for writing it! And congratulations on your first anniversar; keep that ruthless advice coming!!
Re: checking out the new Harlem Meer pool – just bear in mind that there are a LOT of rules! No swimming in anything other than a bathing suit, and they will inspect what you are wearing to be sure. If you have a cover-up to keep the sun off you, it must be white. Seriously. You must have a lock for your stuff in the locker, but they have to approve the lock. No food or drinks (maybe water is allowed? not sure). Definitely no phones – that’s why you have to bring a lock. I don’t think you can bring a bag into the pool area, though I’m not sure. They provide sunscreen, though (from what I’ve heard on Instagram). Lines can be very long to get in, like hours.
I have gone by myself 3 times, weekdays between 11 am and 1 pm. No lines. They do allow non-white cover-ups. Be ready to show your lock. They prefer combination locks because people lose their keys. I feel safe leaving my towel, book, hat, sunglasses on my lounge chair or on the cement deck. The pool is fabulous!!!