By Liza Cooper
As The Love Coach of the Upper West Side, I station myself on street corners throughout the neighborhood with my red-and-white sign that reads, “Talk to me about love, dating, and relationships.” Invariably, singles of all ages line up to ask me questions about how to flirt, write punchy dating app intros, and navigate text silences. But many partnered folks also approach me, and the question they most often pose is, “How do I know if I’m with the right person?”
When I dig deeper, they typically describe partners who are loving and devoted. They sound ideal, actually — well, except for one thing. Each person complains about ONE aspect of their other half that drives them bonkers!
I hear it all. “He dresses like a schlub or can’t dance (but thinks he can!).” “At parties, she is terrible at small talk or overdoes it on garlicky food.” I tell them, “Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water! These are annoyances, not dealbreakers. Being with the right person is a bit of a myth. What really matters is building the right relationship together.”
Here are some of the annoying partner habits passersby have shared. Nothing that a little compromise and creativity can’t solve.
My partner is sexy, intelligent, and driven. He rises early in the morning every day to go for a run. When he leaves, I feel abandoned. I’m the type that likes to snuggle and sleep late.
Have you ever seen a sunrise? No? I haven’t either. I’m more of a sunset girl, but I’ve heard the colors are quite exquisite. Time to try it and make a gentle swap. One day a week, you wake up early with your partner (I know, it’s painful at first). Consider joining him for a run or his morning coffee. One day a week, he stays in and snuggles with you. The other days, let him do his thing. Easy peasy.
And just to reassure you, I don’t think your partner is abandoning you at all. He’s just doing something he knows he needs for his mental (and physical) health. If you still aren’t sure, ask him!
My live-in girlfriend is the sweetest, most loving person, but she is also a slob – laundry on the floor, cookware in the sink, nail kits sprawled out on the bathroom counter. I’m a neat freak! Are we doomed?
Doomed? You have the sweetest, most loving partner! Half the people between West 59th and West 110th would do anything to be in your hot mess. First, write down all the qualities you appreciate in your girlfriend and ask her to do the same for you. That’s your foundation.
Now let’s address your differing interior decorating styles. Pick the ONE spot in the apartment where neatness counts most for you. Is it the bathroom, kitchen table, kitty litter corner? She can pick her spot too, where she can be as sloppy as she wants – and I mean wrecking-ball level. Agree to respect each other’s approach in those areas of your home and throw in plenty of good humor. In a month you can each add one more spot to your neat-messy roster, and so on. In a year, don’t be surprised if she says “you missed a spot” when you’re doing the dishes.
Recently I agreed to meet up with someone I met on Hinge. She hasn’t texted back to my last message, which is frustrating. If she reaches out to confirm, should I decline and move on?
Being consistent and responsive are important qualities in a dating partner. If someone is neither of those before you meet up, that’s a red flag. You could just leave her in the dust, but if we discount every person who disappoints, there won’t be anyone left to date (and how boring would that be?). You don’t know what else is going on in this woman’s life. Maybe her toilet overflowed and she is trying to find a plumber, or somebody stole all her underwear out of the building dryer. You never know. Give her some grace – at least for now.
If you do end up meeting her and she lets you down again, say “Hey, I like to hear back from my text messages the same day, not the same month. That hurt!” No matter who you date, speaking up about what you need is an important skill. Practice it whenever you can.
Pose your dating, love, or relationship questions in the comments below or email TheLoveCoachUWS@gmail.com Liza responds to every question!
Liza Cooper is a Love & Dating Coach.
“If you do end up meeting her and she lets you down again, say “Hey, I like to hear back from my text messages the same day, not the same month. That hurt!” No matter who you date, speaking up about what you need is an important skill”
Wouldn’t it make more sense to say something the first time they get back to you . If it happens twice, that is a deal breaker.
Yes! Communication is the key. Don’t let those pet peeves turn into mountains of relationship trouble. Nip it in the bud, say what you need to say, and hopefully you both will find things to compromise on to make for smooth sailing. Remember, if your partner is driving you bananas, you’re likely driving them bananas ,too. Go out for a banana split and talk about it!
Always great counsel in this column!
My now husband has an interesting relationship with time. It seems to run out on him. When we were dating, he’d leave me cooling my heels in airports, on street corners, in restaurants. This was before cell phones. Calling his home phone and inquiring as to his whereabouts did not work when he was en route. This drove me bananas! If he can’t make it a priority to be on time, then I’m not his priority was my conclusion. Two things happened to save our relationship. We got cell phones, so I could call and get his eta. And I conducted a detailed self inventory. I ticked through a mental list of my own personality and which of my partner’s traits were complementary and necessary for long term cohabitation. And it turned out that his generous perspective on the elasticity of time, while annoying, was not as important as his being a loving caring human being. It’s been 28 years and I learned to lie to him about when we need to be anywhere by subtracting about 30-45 minutes from the actual time. Don’t judge me.
…a testament to your resilience and adaptability…not a lie at all. It’s where you adapt with kindness instead of anger. Bravo! And it took time, like so many things (no pun intended, or maybe a little).
Lateness can have so many origins. The recipient of it often feels angered, de-prioritized, the victim of a self absorbed time sucker.
But the truth is more complex most of the time. As someone who is late also, I point to my ADHD and all round disorganization…estimating the time I need to get somewhere is always off kilter…as is being able to pull away from whatever I’m doing to get to a place on time, which has absorbed me in a vice-like grip…sometimes if leaving home to get somewhere, it can also be a bit of separation anxiety…which stems from so early in life. And lateness can be anger and passive aggression! It’s a lot to sort!
Your approach is the best solution I can imagine, but perhaps your hubby could also consider being within 20 minutes to one particular thing that matters most to you…your birthday dinner or your medical appointment or whatever.
Thank you for reading and your captivating comment.
There was a Chris Rock movie where one character said that 80% about the other person is good, but we focus on the much smaller percentage that we think isn’t good — and miss out on the joys of what’s good by overlooking it — or even lose the person.
You would be surprised at some of the people. I know one woman who unmatched and blocked someone because they suggested Daily Provisions as a first date location and told the person that “choosing a first date spot says a lot about a person”.
Wonderful insights and I love the cheery and fun tone. Thank you for your writing!
For the neat/messy ones, a concept that a friend thought up: “areas of diplomatic immunity.” Can apply to things conceptual or habitual as well as to physical space. The phrase may have come from some Clinton era Balkan foreign policy news…but I know one couple it seems to work for, FWIW.
What are the social rules for matching with someone on a dating app that happened to be someone who is a friend of a person one met previously off the same app?
Well life can be a little messy, but it’s nice if we don’t make it messier. Is the person you previously met someone whom you had a relationship with? Is this a close friend of theirs? That can be a little complicated, and may cause more hurt feelings than its worth. Depending on the nature and depth of your relationship with one and the relationship of those two, advice might vary.
Love this column, such sage advice! And a fun read to boot!
Thanks, Liza, for sharing your intelligent and informative column. Open communication is very important when cultivating the ‘love connection’ between partners. You have a knack for delving into relevant relationship issues and keeping the conversations flowing. I look forward to your insights.
This is the best piece yet, IMO!! It’s helpful and hopeful, and I was disappointed it wasn’t longer ❣️