Halloween is in the air. Storefronts and stoops have been transformed into spooky scenes featuring flimsy apparitions, which, if you’re a dating coach like I am, bring to mind the subject of “ghosting.”
In my work with hundreds of singles and couples, I have found that ghosting – vanishing suddenly and inexplicably from a (usually) romantic relationship – has become ubiquitous in the dating world. Such disappearing acts can trigger a grief response, causing ghosted individuals to feel stunned, angry, and heartbroken.
Why is ghosting so common? The abundance of romantic options on dating apps combined with the rise of cancel culture can make discarding people sadly routine. It’s easier to move on quickly than it is to offer a considerate goodbye. While this phenomenon crosses all age groups, I was curious about how it has permeated Generation Z, born between 1997 and 2012.
With my large red-and-white sign that reads “Talk to Me About Love, Dating, and Relationships,” I traveled to the gates of Columbia University at West 116th Street, where I spoke with young passersby, as well as one middle-aged couple, about their ghosting experiences. Some requested that their faces not be shown, but they were happy to share their feet.
Lexie, age 20
Lexie: Two summers ago, I met a guy on Tinder. After a month of hanging out, he stopped responding to my texts. There was no goodbye.
The Love Coach: I am so sorry. What was that like?
Lexie: It was confusing. Things had started as fun and lovely. When the communication slowed, I knew something was up. That final text was a sucker punch. I blamed myself.
TLC: It’s a reflection on him, not you. He didn’t recognize the hurt it would cause, or didn’t have the courage for a conversation. What do you wish he had done instead?
Lexie: Speak to me honestly, even if he was blunt. End things maturely. Since that experience, it feels easy for me to ghost others, but I try not to.
Arlin, age 18
Arlin: We had been hanging out for a couple months. He disappeared and it made me sad.
TLC: It hurts. What would you want to tell him?
Arlin: You don’t want to hear what I would say (laughs). It would be rude. He reached out again on my birthday, but I ignored him. I wish he had been straight up and said he’s not feeling it or that I was not the one for him. Be grown.
TLC: Be grown! Yes, love that. Take responsibility — treat others with care.
Benji, age 18
Benji: I was talking to a girl for three months; out of nowhere she blocked me on everything. It was so puzzling, because we were almost at the relationship point. Then I checked Instagram, and she had posted: “in a new relationship.” It hurt so much!
TLC: That’s painful. Blocking is a kind of ghosting – taking away your ability to reach out. It’s a loss and takes time to grieve. Have you ever ghosted anyone?
Benji: Never. I’m communicative, emotional, and always convey my feelings.
Ani, age 23
Ani: I’ve ghosted people when I felt unsafe, but I’ve been ghosted, too. My last relationship was a whirlwind; things seemed perfect. At one point we planned a FaceTime, but they were unreachable. Eventually, I got a breakup text and responded with a thumb’s up emoji and a selfie from a night out with friends. Haven’t dated since, but being single in New York isn’t the worst thing!
Alef and Ayelet, ages 56
Alef: A friend ghosted me! She was a sweet woman I worked with, who would tell me about her romantic troubles. We were quite close. Then, she left the company. When I reached out, she didn’t take my calls, which really upset me.
TLC: Ghosting happens in friendships too. It’s awful.
Ayelet: Here in the U.S., people are Teflon. We are from the Mediterranean where everyone is friends forever. No one would ever cut you off.
Sarah, age 22
Sarah: Being ghosted isn’t fun, but I don’t take it personally because I ghost, too. Some things are better left unsaid. Do you believe in ghosting?
TLC: It’s hard to let someone down graciously, but people feel hurt when they’re ghosted. A conversation is meaningful for ending longer relationships, but if it was a few dates or hang outs, offer a brief, kind, parting text. Avoid anything negative about chemistry, the other person’s looks, or personality. Try something like: You are lovely. Enjoyed our time together, but I’m looking for something different right now. I wish you the best. If the person pushes back, maintain your boundary: I didn’t want to hurt you. Take care.
Sarah: That is better. Being ghosted can break your heart, but it’s not the end of the world. There are eight billion people on this planet. You will find someone else.
Were you ever ghosted? Do you ghost? Tell us about it in the comments. And look for The Love Coach in the neighborhood!
Liza Cooper is a licensed social worker and a dating coach.
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https://www.bobdylan.com/songs/i-dont-believe-you-she-acts-we-never-have-met/
Alan, this is wonderful and so spot on! It just goes to show you that ghosting has always been part of dating culture, but now it seems more pervasive than ever unfortunately Thank you for giving us some wonderful music to remind us what matters.
Ghosting: Unkind and immature.
Bob Dylan: Brilliant.
Thank you Alan!
Yes, Raleigh, agree with all that you have said here! Music saves us every time.
I wonder if Sarah’s attitude is generational. It is an odd take.
But I think she is right about not taking it personally. 99% of the time they are ghosting because it is easier to say nothing than to say a few worlds.
Lllll, thank you for your astute comment. With the young people I interviewed, they recognized the pain ghosting causes and acknowledged also how acceptable it is in many ways. Hopefully this article can help change that. But yes, people seem to take the easier path instead of doing the kinder thing. Thank you for your comment and for reading!
I think it’s a natural part of life simply to not have enough time to keep in touch with people constantly, especially if one works or has family or other community obligations; but today there is social media to make it much easier to stay connected; that is, compared to us older folks who were teens or young adults back in the days before computers and the Internet. We had to use a landline phone, or the postal system, or visit in person to stay in touch. However, I find it strange, immature, and childish today to “ghost” someone purposely. No one has to be deeply “involved” or in a sexual relationship at all. It’s much more advantageous to remain friends with someone than it is to disconnect. No one has any idea where his/her life is headed, or what professional or personal road might be taken, or any of it or who might be crossing your path in the future, either personally or professionally. A very wise teacher taught me, “Be kind on the way up, because you will meet the same people on the way down.” And for young people, learn now that getting older is rough physically. You will want to get there with as big a “community” as possible. I’m still friends with friends I met in elementary school, summer camp, junior high school, high school, and college, not to mention many work environments. I’ll be 69 years old in November. I love and cherish my friends and family. I’m still single, and have no kids, and I watch way too many crime shows not to know that relationships don’t always work out — so why would people think being rude, nasty, dismissive, and childish by “ghosting” when young is okay? It’s not. Grow a spine now and deal with open and honest communication, always. You will never regret being a good and kind person. You will deeply regret being a jerk.
Sam, there is so much wisdom in your comprehensive comment. Love the concept of being kind to everyone on the way up…and also your thoughts about staying friends, building community, and being a good person. Amen to all of that. Thank you for reading the column and for your profound commentary.
“Be grown” is now my favorite response to ghosting! Great article. Ghosting has become too normalized when there are so many respectful ways to part from someone.
Yes thank you for this lovely comment! “Be grown” was such a brilliant statement and interestingly from such a young person (18!). She definitely had a very ‘grown’ philosophy, and now has touched so many of us with it. Maybe we should put it on t-shirts? I hope she sees herself in the article. Thank you for reading and following this column!
Ghosting is always okay if you don’t feel safe or respected.
Otherwise, I’d say, the third date is the point at which you need to make a formal (but brief) announcement instead of simply dropping out of touch.
Right on, Sarah! I am with you. Don’t continue to interact with someone who is abusive or disrespectful, and always get help if you feel unsafe with anyone.
And third date gracious farewells are very encouraged, unless you decide you want to continue to date of course!
Thank you for reading and your valuable comment.
I can relate to the being ghosted by a friend story. A coworker of mine was from Australia, she was in the process of applying for a green card but had overstayed her visa and was told to go back to Melbourne to renew it. Needless to say, once there, she was denied the visa and banned from the US for 10 years. She had left everything behind, so some of us got together and packed up her apartment, put her furniture in storage, rehomed her dog (heartbreaking) and when she was ready I pulled her clothed from storage, sorted through everything, sold what she didn’t want and packed up what she did and shipped it to her in Australia. She was obviously devastated, depressed and disoriented. After the final box arrived and I had sent her all of the money from PayPal, she cut off all communications. She still follows me on IG but has never spoken a word to me since. I can understand the need to find your footing and perhaps the desire to avoid contact for a while with people who remind you of a life that was ripped away from you, but years have passed. Had it been me, I think I would have circled back to apologize and explain my behavior, once I had gained some perspective and emotional distance. Having the strength of character to acknowledge actions or chooses that we are not proud of is what keeps us from becoming complete sociopaths, or no?
What a heartbreaking story of friendship loss and ghosting.
I am so sorry that this happened, and that for whatever reason, she was not able to be in touch then to thank you for your incredible support, or later, to apologize for her inability to do so at the time.
Sometimes when people do things that leave a hurtful memory with us, we learn even better how we want to treat others. This is also the goal of this article, to remind people to avoid ghosting (unless anyone acts abusively) and to try to be considerate and intentional with goodbyes and communications.
Thank you for sharing this personal story.
I was ghosted after a 7 month relationship. I would Never ghost anyone. I’m a big explainer. But I also Don’t believe in pushing people to places where they don’t want to go. (I do enough of that at work!) So I don’t really ask for explanations. I tried to reach him a couple of times, but quickly got the message and moved on ASAP. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I think he’d be worth my time and effort to extract an explanation? Nooooo. Life’s too short.
Thank you for sharing this painful story of ghosting, I am so sorry that happened.
What a helpful philosophy you also shared, however, of being able to recognize that someone who didn’t stop to explain things before leaving, isn’t worth pursuing to find out more.
It is certainly confusing when a person closes a door without any reason, but it gives us a teaser of what communication might have been like with that person over time.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing your experience.
Be grown! I love that so much. I think ghosting is the cowards way out. This world is full of cowards, I suppose. Best to say good riddance to the lousy communicator and move on to find a higher quality match.
“Be Grown” is such a wonderful statement. I wish I had the young woman’s email so I could share this article and how her wise words have impacted! I have learned that communication is a struggle for many people – we are all works in progress. Yes, being ghosted hurts and disappoints and takes away the opportunity to develop communication skills..but when two people are willing to learn and grow in this area together, it’s wonderful.