By Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan
Hi, Karen Bergreen and Cynthia Kaplan here. We’re the hosts of the long-running Ruthless Comedy Hour, the Upper West Side’s favorite monthly comedy variety show. We’re not bragging; it’s just what we’ve heard in line at Murray’s buying salmon or at Town Shop trying on bras.
We are very pleased to announce that we are joining forces with West Side Rag to bring you Ruthless Advice, a bi-weekly column (once every two weeks, not twice a week, we have lives) dedicated to offering the kind of honest, no-holds-barred advice you won’t get anywhere else, not even from your mother or best friend. In fact, WE will be your mother and best friend, only more so.
Kindly send your dilemmas to Info@westsiderag.com, subject line, Ruthless, and we will employ our universal lack of expertise to solve them.
Also, since you asked, our next Ruthless Comedy Show is Sept. 24th, 7:30 pm, at NY Comedy Club on West 78th, in the old Stand Up New York space, and our guests are the charming actor Evan Handler, star of Californication and Sex and the City, plus a fabulous comedian we’re keeping under wraps.
Final note: The following questions for this inaugural column came from friends and friends of friends. We thank them.
Dear Ruthless,
I’ve run into famous people on the street pretty often, people whose work I just love. You always hear that the great thing about NYC is that we leave celebrities alone. But then, on talk shows, some celebrities mention how much they enjoy it when strangers tell them how much they love them. I still feel regret about not speaking to Ben Platt when he walked past me on 67th Street. What’s the acceptable thing to do?
Signed,
Fan girl
Dear Fan Girl,
KAREN: You know how Us Magazine has a section called celebrities: they’re just like us? Well, they’re not. Why do you think Ben Platt went into show biz, my dear fan girl? He needs constant adulation. My suggestion is you keep packets of expensive chocolates in your purse as an offering just in case this ever happens again.
CINDY: I agree. Celebrities are not like us. They don’t eat so they can look thin at the Met Gala. Enjoy the chocolates yourself or give them to a friend who can love you back.
Dear Ruthless,
I was on a number 11 bus one summer when a young woman several rows in front of me made a call on her cell phone. She began screaming and for the next ten minutes or so never spoke any more softly. When she got off at her stop, everyone else on the bus burst into applause. Is there anything we could have said or done to avoid having been overpowered by a conversation that was so loud and so intimate that we all felt captive?
Yours,
Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
KAREN: This is why god invented earbuds. Good luck
CINDY: This is why you have your own cell phone. Pretend to call someone and then start screaming at them. If you can make out what she is saying, repeat it. Or just yell nonsense. Make eye contact with your fellow bus riders and encourage them to follow suit. Rudeness should not be tolerated. The bus is one of the last bastions of peace when traveling the city.
Dear Ruthless,
We will be moving out of NYC in June and will not be able to take our current nanny with us. When would you tell her and how much severance pay would you give? She’s been with us for a year and we are very happy with her. I would like to tell her now to give her time to plan for the change. My husband is worried that if we tell her too soon we run the risk of her leaving earlier for another job and then we would be stuck without childcare. What would you do?
Signed,
Guilty Mom
Dear Guilty Mom,
CINDY: Your instinct to give her notice is right. Your husband’s instinct to leave her in the lurch is not. If you loved her, show her with a generous severance. Two weeks pay, at least! Also, why would you leave New York City? Especially when you have a good nanny?
KAREN: I would give her four weeks’ pay. You should also spread the word that she’s available. If you are moving to the suburbs, you should also stock up on antidepressants.
Dear Ruthless,
Now that weed is legal, any advice for non-smoking tenants? It’s still a non-smoking building. Our new next door neighbors smoke every day. The entire floor smells and I can smell it in our apartment. I love the apartment, but have kids. Am I stuck? I hate it!
Grouchy Neighbor
Dear Grouchy,
KAREN: Check with your building’s management company to see if there are any rules against smoking in the apartment. If so, get them involved. If the rules are silent on the issue, I suggest you go full on passive aggressive. Buy some gummies and a bottle of Febreze and leave it at their front door.
CINDY: Knock on your neighbor’s door every time you smell weed and ask to partake. It is bad manners not to share your weed. They will get tired of your freeloading and take the party somewhere else. Or else tape their door shut from the outside with gaffer’s tape.
Read more about Ruthless Comedy Hour — HERE.
Subscribe to West Side Rag’s FREE email newsletter here.
Good advice! I would say that non-smoking in a building means no smoking. Not just sno smoking cigarettes. Also. I will say people are smoking way less than in 2020/2022. For which I am grateful
Also. I sat at a table next to David Duchovny’s at the Equinox Cafe. I said nothing. But to be fair, he did not seem to want to talk
Really liked the weed question. Second hand smoke is far more dangerous than people imagine. Smoke residue is detectable on the carpets at baseboards that adjoin a smokers apartment; it seeps through utility ports, pipe chases, etc. And your kids are breathing it when their young lungs are developing. If you smell it, it’s getting into your lungs.
If it’s an non smoking building, they are violating their lease.
PS: I worked for some time when I was an elected official in CA to get our town’s rental units all declared NON-smoking; went on to participate in films for use around the world on the topic. I learned far more than I would ever imagine on the subject, and it helped atone for my guilt at having been a smoker for a few years in my stupid young adult years. Of course, my horrible lungs are also my punishment.
PROTECT your kids, other tenants, and yourself and ask for the Super to take action.
Strongly disagree with Cindy’s advice (facetious?) to join the screaming match on the bus. That’s just making life more miserable for everyone, and she says herself that the bus is one of the few bastions of peace in NYC.
I can be facetious at times. Apologies.
How about going up to them and in their face, mocking them and pretending to be on the phone with them?
It would have been great if all, or most, of the passengers screamed into their phones. Well, maybe not, but then again…
I thought it was a brilliant idea.
Hooray!! Excellent new feature, thank you! Will also try to make your next show. Thanks!! And thanks WSR!
Why leave the city indeed! Good advice to stock up on the antidepressants.
I think it is more of a case of needing stimulants. Once you leave, it’s the constant stimulation, the sense of noble suffering, that you immediately lose. On the upside, you gain a lot more personal space as people don’t bump into you anymore.
Dear Ruthless,
In reference to the advice from Cindy about the weed smoking neighbors, I did something along those lines to some party guys in our building once, and it worked. A few times a week they held loud dance parties and no one else in the building could sleep. After about a month of this I bought a bottle of wine and went downstairs and knocked on the door, charmed my way in and danced with them all night. I’m unsure if their moving out the next month was a direct result of an older lady crashing their 20-something party, but I would love to think it had something to do with it 🙂
Trapped near a loud cell phone talker on a bus?
Try the old remedy of becoming part of the conversation. An example:
Loudmouth: “Where should I meet you?”
Nearby passenger: “At Zabar’s, in the cosmetics department.”
Loudmouth: “Wha? Zabar’s doesn’t sell cosmetics.”
Person on the other end of the call: “??????”
The confused look on screamer’s face is worth the price of the bus ride.
Exactly.
What’s a pot smoker to do?
-If a building is non smoking then all must honor the policy
-if it’s not, then per the law one is allowed to imbibe at home
-alternatively one can smoke on the sidewalk but a lot of people don’t like that either.
So what’s the happy compromise? Leave them a cheery note asking if they would have a minute to chat would be the right way to start. They can install door guards that will help seal the door and keep the smoke inside. They can also install a heavy curved curtain around the door to be a barrier. They can invest in an air purifier. They can use incense, candles, air spray auto pumps , etc.
Offering suggestions and helping to provide solutions is the best bet to find a happy ending. That said, if they are unwilling to make changes, you may want to consider a counter attack of the olfactory kind-cook smelly fish, cabbage, burn some rank incense-the point is for the short term it will a familiarize them with the unhappiness rank smells can have.
Remember that people use pot for medical reasons (not just pleasure) so being considerate and respectful is the neighborly way to go😏
PS-having a neighbor stop by unannounced screaming at you from the other side of the door and then kicking & denting your door would be the way I would not recommend. Yes-that happened and not just once.