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By David Javerbaum
I have a dog. Her name is Maggie, and unlike your dog, she is the best dog ever. I’m not saying your dog isn’t a good dog, or even a great one. Nor am I saying every dog isn’t the best dog ever in its owner’s eyes. The relative goodness of dogs is entirely subjective. There is one exception, however: Maggie, who is objectively and mathematically the best dog ever.
When I’m around Maggie, I inevitably start to look into her curious, skeptical eyes and try to guess what she’s thinking. When she sees me eating dinner, her look says, “You gonna eat that?” When she sees me emerge from the bathroom, her look says, “Why didn’t you just go outside?!” And when she sees me sitting at my desk waiting for inspiration her look says, “You can ‘wait for inspiration’, but I’m inspired to itch myself.”
Ironically, it was that very look, in that very circumstance, that first gave me the inspiration for The Dog Show. One day I turned my eyes to her and in rapid succession had the following chain of thoughts:
- She’s thinking she’s glad she’s itching herself and not waiting for inspiration.
- No, she’s not. I’m projecting onto her. I have no idea what she’s thinking, or how she’s thinking
- Everyone always projects onto their dogs without idea what they’re thinking, or how.
- It’s a universal and amusing human behavior.
- A collection of projected dog monologues would make for a good play.
- Like The Vagina Monologues, only more canine and less vulvar. It’s too good an idea. It must have been done before.h) [After two minutes on Google] It has not been done before.
Almost immediately, aided by a convenient surge of industry-wide unemployment that left my Calendar an endless succession of empty squares, I set to work on my little dog-and-pony-minus-the-pony show.
The material for The Dog Show came pretty quickly. Some of it revolved around dogs’ favorite activities: hoarding junk, sticking their heads out of car windows, peeing on the carpet. Other parts focused on things people make their dogs do: take a walk, get a bath, catch Frisbees. Still others centered on dogs with jobs: police dogs, sled dogs, seeing-eye dogs. By the time I was done, 24 lucky monologues had found their forever play, which they will happily live in for the rest of their lives, and by extension my royalties.
Early on, I realized the piece I was creating was G-rated. This made me uncomfortable. As a rule, I don’t work unblue; I prefer the work I write to be unsuitable for the ears of somebody. If not preteens, at least kindergartners. Alas, The Dog Show came out 100% kid-friendly. The material dictated it: dogs themselves are (or ought to be) 100% kid-friendly. So I gradually accepted that I’d written something that could appeal to children. Parents, you can bring the whole family along without any worries. But for the record, when you come, feel free to mentally insert the f-verb and/or f-adjective as often as you like.
Along the same lines, several of the monologues are not comic, but poignant. Again, this is unusual for me. I usually like my writing to convey no human emotion whatsoever, as I myself convey none, and indeed have none. But again, certain aspects of dogs’ lives can be affecting and even heartbreaking, so I wrote the more sentimental speeches. Any fellow comedy writers interested in seeing the show can contact me for a list of those speeches, so they’ll know when to zone out and think about their screenplays.
Now, after a year, which for this play is seven years, The Dog Show is up and running. I cordially invite theatergoers and dog lovers of all ages and breeds to see it at the Triad Theater on 72nd Street, after a hearty pre-show sit-down dinner at Gray’s Papaya on the corner. You will experience a funny, touching journey into the world of dogs, our favorite four-legged friends.
Yes, I know some people prefer cats. But there already is a show about cats, and it has a 45-year and $2 billion head start on us, so stop whining.
David Javerbaum, author of The Dog Show, served as the Executive Producer and Head Writer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, is the creator of @TheTweetOfGod and writer of An Act of God, starring Jim Parsons.
The Dog Show: Come. Sit. Stay. runs October 13 through November 29 at the Traid Theater (158 W 72nd Street). Tickets at www.dogshownyc.com. Instagram: @DogShowNYC
